


Surrender Me

by mihomi98



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pilot!Poe, Rey and Finn siblings, Slow Burn, Writer!Finn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 07:31:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 62,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9311621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mihomi98/pseuds/mihomi98
Summary: Captain Poe Dameron, a decorated veteran and an Iraqi war survivor, has spent the majority of his adult life serving his country as a pilot in the United States Air Force. When a tragic accident takes the vision from his right eye and makes it impossible for him to fly anymore, he is sent stateside to heal and restart his life as a civilian, something that both devastates him and angers him.Unable to deal with the memories that returning to his base in Albuquerque, New Mexico brings about, he packs up and moves to St. Louis, Missouri. He, he meets Finn Scott, a young writer with past just as troubled as his own.Together, Finn and Poe develop a friendship and work together to see that their past choices do not define who they are today, and that there is more to life than just an unhappy ending.





	

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1

_Late September, 2015_

The rain drizzled down the window pane in thin rivers as Poe stared out towards the rundown courtyard of his apartment complex. If he pressed his left eye against the glass, and squinted with the right at the cracks in the foundation, he could almost pretend that he was back in New Mexico with BB8, his Golden Retriever, and that he was getting ready to head out to the base in Albuquerque to head out on a mind-clearing flight. Those were always his favorite, when all he had to do was demonstrate different flight patterns to the men and women that he was training. He didn’t have to think, he didn’t have to command, all he had to do was fly.

Now, though, that wasn’t an option. He couldn’t fly anymore, BB8 was with his sister, and Poe sure as hell wasn’t in New Mexico anymore. After he got discharged . . . he just couldn’t do it anymore. Staying in Albuquerque made him constantly remember the accident, filling him with guilt and a rage that he couldn’t quell. He pulled out a map of his previous commander’s office and hunt it up on the wall of his room, taking a knife and covering his good eye before throwing the blade as hard as he could against the wall.

It landed in St. Louis, Missouri. He packed up, left the base, and drove there less than forty-eight hours later.

It had been a little over a month since Poe had made the move, and he would be lying if said that he was even remotely happy. He missed his old life. He missed the rigidity of his Air Force regime. He missed the carefree feelings that he felt day in and day out. He missed living.

Poe raised a hand up to the cool glass and sighed, bowing his head so that only his forehead met the glass. He took a step back and swallowed thickly, moving his slightly-damp fingers to run over the pistol resting on the corner of his desk.

He yanked his hand away as though the pistol had burned him. He cradled his hand to his chest and turned on his heel, storming throughout the apartment and out towards his car. He needed to go somewhere, anywhere, before he did something stupid.

Poe got into the car and sped out of his parking spot, making his way out onto the main road through run-down neighborhood streets that advertised more violent crime than it did peaceful living. It had been all that he could afford on his discharge stipend, and seeing as he hadn't found work, it would be the best that he could do until he could secure a job. He had had a few interviews, but it seemed that no one wanted a thirty-two-year-old ex-pilot who was blind in one eye on their staff. All the companies had pretended that that wasn't the reason they wouldn't hire him, that he “just wasn't the right person for the job” so that they wouldn't get in trouble with their Equal Opportunity reps, but Poe knew the truth. No one wanted him because he was crippled.

Poe Dameron definitely hadn't had life cut him any breaks lately.

Things got even worse when Poe was twenty miles or so down the highway. “No, no, no,” he muttered as he edged his '98 Jeep Wrangler onto the shoulder, grinding his teeth as the navy-blue vehicle let out a sputter before going completely silent. He smacked the palm of his hand against the wheel and leaned his head back, letting out a deep breath through his nose and counting silently to ten.

Poe opened his eyes and straightened back up, glaring at the front windshield, where rain was bouncing so hard off the glass he could barely see the cars flying past him. He clenched his hands into fists and unbuckled, bracing himself for the ice-cold rain. /You have survived wars/, Poe reminded himself, flinching and drawing up tightly as the water immediately soaked through his thin hoodie and chilled him to the bone, /you can survive a little rain./

He went to the front of the car and opened the hood. Immediately, a cloud of dark, foul-smelling smoke erupted into the air and mixed with the rain, falling back down onto Poe and covering his face and clothing with greasy streaks. He reached out to check the engine, letting out a stream of expletives when another wave of smoke wafted out and burned him.

Poe groaned and threw his hands up. “Fuck!” he yelled, kicking his front license plate with his steel-toed uniform boots. The car made another sputtering sound.

He took a few deep breaths and walked back over to the driver side door only to realize, with horror, that he had locked the car out of habit, and that his keys were sitting on the front seat. There was no way that he was going to be able to get them out without the help of a locksmith, and unless his cell phone had miraculously somehow become waterproof, he couldn't call anyone, either.

Poe almost wished that he had just stayed home and had better reacquainted himself with the head of his gun.

He shook his head, his long, strong limbs beginning to tremble both from the cold and from the deep depression dragging him down. He thrust his tongue between his teeth and bit down until he tasted blood before he started to walk. He didn't know where he was going, but he knew that if he stayed where he was any longer that his depression would win, and he didn't want that. His father and sister had gone through enough over the last few years without his suicide getting added to the mix.

It seemed like hours that Poe was walking before someone pulled over to the shoulder up ahead of him. A dark-skinned man in a pair of gray jeans and a hunter-green polo got out and walked the ten feet or so to Poe with an open umbrella over his head and another one in his hand. “Hey, man, are you okay?” he asked, tossing the unopened umbrella to Poe and looking over Poe's drenched clothing.

“I'm fucking awesome,” Poe muttered sarcastically before his shoulders dropped and he felt guilt swirl in his gut. “Sorry, I . . . Thanks for the umbrella.” He kept his eyes on the ground, his cheeks burning shamefully. He hoped that the man would go away and leave him alone in his misery.

The man, however, seemed to have other plans. He reached out and hooked a hand around Poe's elbow and pulled him towards his car. “Come on, you're going to get sick of you don't get warm soon. Let's get you coffee and something to eat, all right? You are getting real pale all of the sudden. Sir, are you all ri--”

Poe didn't get a chance to answer as everything went black, and he collapsed in the man's arms.

 

***

 

Poe woke up several hours later to the sound of a woman talking. “Yeah, he’s still asleep―no, I haven’t tried to wake him up. Why? Finn, he’s as pale as a ghost, he probably needs the rest. Yeah, I’ll let you know when he’s up. Okay. Bye, Finn.”

He sat up groggily, letting out a groan as the movement made his head throb painfully. He pressed his fingertips to his temples and rubbed them, trying to ease some of the pressure. After a few minutes, he felt well enough to look around the room. The woman wasn’t in the room, but Poe could hear her doing something in what must be the kitchen.

He looked around at his surroundings, trying to figure out where exactly he was. The living room didn’t look all that spectacular (the sofa that he had been lying on, a few mismatched chairs, a decent sized television, and a few crates duct-taped together to form a makeshift coffee table was all that was in the room), and he could see where the kitchen must be, and where at least one bedroom was, but that was it.

“Oh! You’re up!” The woman looked out of the kitchen before going back in. Poe could hear the fridge open and the microwave begin to run before she came back out a few minutes later, a plate of nachos in one hand and a grape soda in the other. “Here. Eat this. It’ll make you feel better. You passed out on Finn pretty quickly, and you look like you haven't eaten in days,” she said, coming over and sitting down next to Poe. She handed him the food before holding her hand out. “I’m Rey, Finn's sister.”

“Poe Dameron.” Poe shook her hand, trying not too look as confused as he felt. He assumed that this “Finn” guy that Rey was talking about was the man on the highway with the umbrella, and from what Poe remembered, Umbrella Man was most definitely African American. Rey, though, looked more like she was Italian than anything, with her olive skin, big chocolate brown eyes, and curly dark-brown hair.

Rey seemed to sense the cause of Poe's confusion. She forced him to eat a few chips and take a few sips of the soda before speaking again. “Finn and I were both adopted when we were thirteen.”

“Oh.” Poe took another bite of the nachos and slumped down into the cushions. He was beginning to feel tired again, and he honestly wasn't sure how much he cared about Finn and Rey's life story. He had only met the man for a few brief seconds, for Goodness sake, and if Finn hadn't brought Poe back to Rey and his apartment.

That in and of itself was another thing that confused Poe. He barely let his own /family/ come in to his apartment back in Albuquerque, none the less a complete stranger, and /especially/ not a stranger who looked as haggled as Poe was sure that he did, with his sunken-in features and matted brown hair. Finn must be a better man than him to let him stay.

Poe finished up the nachos with that thought in mind. He tried to put the plate on the “coffee table” and get up so that he could leave, but Rey grabbed his hand and pulled him back down on to the cushion. “Oh, no no no,” she scolded, clicking her tongue against the back of her teeth. “I told Finn that I'd watch after you until he got home, and that's a promise I intend to keep to my brother.” Her eyes narrowed when Poe began to object. “That's my final say, mister. You are staying on this couch whether you like it or not.”

Poe normally wasn't afraid of women, but there was something about her slotted eyes and her nefarious grin that made him feel uneasy, and he decided that things would end up better for him if he just agreed. “Ugh, /fine/, I'll stay here,” he said, wincing as Rey's smile grew even more terrifying for a moment before softening back to normal.

Rey clapped her hands together and smiled. “Fantastic! I'm glad you've made the right choice, Poe.”

Poe nodded, although inside, he wast sure that he had.

One thing was for sure: sitting next to Rey would not be anything close to boring or calm. Rey was far too insane for that.

Boy was he in trouble.

 

2

Finn hung up from his conversation with Rey and sat back in his seat, twisting side to side so that the chair rocked over to his desktop computer. He stared at the screen for a moment before putting his head down in his hands and sighing.

He was glad that the drenched man was getting some rest, but he wished that he knew _something_ about who this man was, and why he was out in the rain. He had meant to ask the man’s name when they got back to the car, but obviously that didn’t happen.

Finn shook his head. God, he should have noticed that something was wrong the moment that he set eyes on the man, but he was . . . distracted, to say the least. Rain Man was _gorgeous_. Even wet, his hair was thick and curly, and was quite possibly the shiniest thing that Finn had ever seen. His jacket was tight enough that his strong arms were showcased, and his eyes . . . _wow._ He had one brown eye, and one blue, although the latter looked so milky that it’s color had to be due to a problem with his vision. His voice was deep and velvety, and even the few words that he had spoken had left Finn mesmerized.

He glanced down at his watch, counting down the hours until he could go home and see how Rain Man was doing. Four hours and twenty-seven minutes. He had a couple of articles to finish writing for his douche-bag of a boss, Kylo Ren, and maybe, just maybe, if he got them done quick enough, he would be able to go home early.

Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to be the case, as Finn had only gotten half of an article finished by the time that Kylo stormed into the office, his long black hair flying in the air behind him. His teeth were ground together and his nose was scrunched up, his features pinched as he regarded Finn. “Aren’t you finished yet, FN-2187?” he asked, using the internet handle that Finn used when he published his articles to the company website. “You’ve been sitting here staring at that computer for almost three hours already, if my little birdies have told me correctly.” He glanced over at the cubicle next to Finn’s, where a man with red hair and beady eyes was sitting. When he noticed that Kylo was looking at him, his eyes widened and he turned back to his computer, quickly ducking down and banging on his keyboard.

Finn glanced over and shot the man a glare before slouching down in his seat, crossing his arms over his stomach. “I’m almost done with the ‘twelve facts about the First Order’ article, and I have the one about Skywalker, Enterprise outlined.”

Kylo nodded. “And do you think that you’ll be able to get them done by the end of the day, or do I need to start looking for your replacement?”

“It’ll get done.”

“Good.” Kylo looked down at Finn’s coffee cup before darting his hand out, pushing the hot liquid down on to Finn’s jeans. He smirked when Finn jumped out of his chair and tried to brush the liquid away so that he wouldn’t get burned. “Oops.”

Kylo walked away. Finn grabbed a handful of paper towels and wiped himself off before drying off his chair. “Fucking prick,” he muttered, settling back down and trying to write some more. It was difficult, however, because now, besides the distraction of Rain Man, Finn was constantly thinking about how much he _hated_ working for First Order Journaling. He had taken the job straight out of college, and at first, he loved working there. The company was originally owned by a woman named Leia Organa, and was called _The Resistance Report_ , but she gave the company to her son, Ben (aka, “Kylo”) when she retired, and everything went to shit.

While Leia was soft, and kind, and absolutely in love with her work, Kylo acted like he would rather run the company into the ground than he would actually work. Leia wrote articles of her own and published everything that her employees wrote so they could improve themselves and their portfolios. She focused on getting the truth out about what was going on in the country, and on what /really/ was important. Kylo, though, made a complete mockery of her work, and turned her new site into a glorified combination of _The Onion_ and Buzzfeed, complete with a new title.

Finn let out an exasperated breath and slouched forward, leaning the side of his face into his palm. He used one finger to stab at his keyboard, pursing his lips and blowing raspberries. He thought for a minute before sitting up straight again, typing in whatever he could think of to get the article to the required 1800 words. He finished it and fired it off Kylo before bull-shitting his way through a draft of the second article.

He fucking hated this place.

 

***

 

By the time that Finn had finished everything and Kylo finally let him leave, it was nearly two hours after his shift was supposed to have been over. He was exhausted, starving, and he had to piss like a racehorse. He took care of the last one before he left the office, but he had to get home to do the rest.

He stumbled out of the office and climbed into his car, his hands shaking as he drove himself home. All he wanted to do was eat some leftover Chinese food and pass the fuck out. He hoped that the Rain Man was still there so that Finn could at least get his name (and maybe his number), but if not, hey, that just meant that Finn could go to sleep all the earlier.

He pulled into the parking lot of the apartment that he shared with his younger sister (he was older by a /whole six days/, he loved to remind her) and glanced around for Rey's car. He saw it parked in the far corner of the lot, so hopefully that meant that Rain Man would still be there, too.

He got out of the car and went upstairs, butterflies fluttering in his stomach as he pulled out his keys. He wasn't quite sure why he was so nervous, but there was something about not knowing if he'd see the man again or not that just flustered him. He was so flustered, in fact, that he somehow managed to drop his keys down the storm drain right across from Rey and his door.

Finn let out a groan and stared down the drain. There was no way that he was going to be able to get his keys without Rey's help. She kept a staff with a magnet tied on to the end just for moments like these.

He turned around and wrapped on the door with his knuckles, shifting impatiently from side to side while he waited. “Rey, it's me. Open up.”

Finn heard a chuckle from the other side of the door. “Did you drop your keys down the storm drain again, you klutz? We need to embed them in your skin or something, seriously.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just let me in.”

Rey did as she was asked, and a minute later, Finn was standing flush against his hallway door, Rey standing in front of him with a threatening stance and her finger pointed in his face. “Listen here, mister, I know Poe is gorgeous, but that doesn't mean--”

“Poe?”

Rey paused and stared at Finn for a moment before rolling her eyes and letting out a loud sigh. “The man you brought home with you, idiot. His name is Poe Dameron. _Anyway_ , like I was saying before you so rudely interrupted me, I know Poe is incredibly attractive, but that doesn’t mean that you need to go all gaga over him like you do over every attractive guy, okay?”

Now it was Finn’s turn to roll his eyes. “Rey, I’m not a teenager anymore. I’m not going to go falling for every attractive guy that I mean.”

“Well, I mean it’s been a while since you’ve been . . . ” she made a lewd gesture with her fingers, “and you know, when opportunity comes a-knockin’ . . . ”

Finn threw up his hands and pushed past Rey. “ _Okay,_ as much as I love discussing my sex life with my sister, I really should get inside.” He made it three steps past Rey before he stopped and turned around. “Is he still here?”

“Yep.” Rey twisted her hair over her shoulder, popping the “p” and rocking on her heels. “I told him that you’d take him to get his car from the shop once you got home. He said that it got towed from the side of the highway or something?”

“You couldn’t have taken him yourself?”

“Well, I offered, but he said that he wanted to thank you properly.” She winked, making another lewd gesture before going to her room, her laughter echoing down the hall the entire way. Finn took off his shoe and threw it at her before shaking his head and walking towards the living room. He wasn’t sure where Poe was now, but that’s where he was when he left him, so he figured that he might as well start there.

Surprisingly, the couch was empty. Finn furrowed his brows at it before making his way into the kitchen, thinking that maybe he was just getting something to eat, or drink, or whatever. Poe wasn’t there either.

By now, Finn was feeling rather confused. There wasn’t that many other places that Poe could be in the apartment, other than his room, or the bathroom, and Finn could see from the kitchen that the bathroom light was off. There wasn’t any reason for Poe to be in Finn’s bedroom, though, so why would he be?

Unless . . . “Dammit, Rey,” he muttered, kicking his other shoe off by the refrigerator before going to his room. The door was cracked, and the light was off. Finn pressed his hand to the cherry oak door and gently pushed it open, grimacing when the ancient hinges caught on themselves and let out a deafening screech. Finn’s eyes shot over to his bed, where he could see a prone form, but the sound didn’t seem to bother Poe. He shifted slightly in his sleep and pulled Finn’s blankets up closer around him, but he didn’t wake.

Poe looked beautiful in the sunlight that was streaking through the blinds. It highlighted his long, dark eyelashes that dusted the top of his cheekbones, and his full red lips were caught between his teeth. His hair was pillowed around his head like a halo and filled the room with the smell of strawberries ( _Rey’s shampoo_ , Finn quickly realized). Finn couldn’t tell what pants Poe had on (or if he was even wearing pants), but the shirt that he had on was _definitely_ Finn’s.

Finn stared at him for a few seconds longer before leaving the room, feeling far too much like he was creeping on Poe. He went back into the kitchen and turned on the stove before going over to the pantry and grabbing a box of Pastaroni. He found all the ingredients and mixed them together, pouring them in the pot and letting everything simmer.

While he waited for his food, Finn grabbed his phone from off the corner of the counter and unlocked it to see that he had a text from one of his best friends, Slip. His real name was Simon Matthews, but when he and Finn first met (six months after Finn and been adopted, a two months before Rey had) when they were eight, Simon had been running around the cafeteria at Hoth Elementary, and he had slipped on a banana peel. Finn had thought that things like that only happened in movies and television shows, so it wasn’t surprising at all that that was the main thing that Finn remembered about him before his underdeveloped brain was able to remember his actual name.

Finn and Slip had become best friends, and for a while, Slip had even worked at _First Order Journaling_ for a few months as an intern under the handle FN-2003 before he found a different job as an event planner, a job that he _loved_.

Finn didn’t read the message before swiping to the right and calling Slip. Slip answered on the second ring. “Hey, Finn-y boy, what’s up?”

“I don’t know, what’s up with you? I didn’t read the message.”

Slip snorted. “Of course you didn’t. I wanted to see what you were doing tonight.”

Finn glanced over his shoulder at his bedroom before looking back at the stove. “I was planning on just eating and going to bed, but I have to take a . . . ” Friend? Acquaintance? Hot stranger who was sleeping in his bed? “ . . . a ‘friend’ to get his car from the shop.”

“Oh. Well, what are you doing after you’re done taking them? Are you going to be a buzzkill and stay home and sleep, or do you want to go out and have a good time with me?”

Finn chuckled. Slip’s idea of a “good time” was rarely ever classified as an _actual_ good time. For instance, there was a night that Slip suggested that Finn and he go laser-tagging, which Finn thought sounded like a wonderful idea. However, Slip had decided that everyone in the office needed to come, and had sent out a mass email to _everyone,_ including (but not limited to) Kylo, Hux (the red-headed man from the office), and Phoebe “Plasma” Humphrey (Kylo’s assistant editor).

All three had shown up, and brutally _decimated_ Finn and Slip in the competition. They had killed Slip more than once, and he barely got three shots out with his blaster before he was shot so many times that the damn lights on the gun wouldn’t go off any more. Finn had bowed out pretty early, the game much less fun than it was a full-on war. Besides, Kylo started to threaten Finn with writing the worst and most dull of articles, and that _really_ took all of the fun out of it.

Well, it’s not like Finn had any other plans. “Yeah, I guess I’ll go.”

“Awesome. Text me when you’re done?”

“Yeah.” Finn hung up the phone and turned off the stove. He moved the Pastaroni off the burner and grabbed some bowls. He separated the pasta into three parts before shoveling them into the bowls. He added cinnamon to Rey’s (something that she loved, even though Finn thought parmesan and cinnamon mixed together were _disgusting_ ) and took her bowl to her room before taking the other two bowls into his own room.

The shocked growl that he heard when he opened the door let him know that Poe was already awake.

 

3

Poe pulled the covers up over his chest and stared at the man entering the room. His heart was pounding, and he slammed his hand down on the ground around him. The ground, however, was unusually soft, and his gun was no where to be found.

Poe shot up out of the bed and crouched down, crossing his arms and holding them protectively above his head. He bit his lip and dropped lower so that he was in a mock-bow. His legs were already starting to tremble, and he could hear the pathetic whimpering breath that was escaping his lungs. He needed to be silent, or the punishment he received from whatever commander was in front of him would be more severe.

He didn't know what he had done. As far as he knew, it was not his night to stand guard at the head of the camp--and he didn't think that he had slept through morning drills, either. His bed had been consistently made correctly (other than he was sleeping in it), and he doubted that he'd left anything around his bunk that wasn't supposed to be there.

Poe lowered his body down closer to the ground and tensed when he felt a hand land on his shoulder and squeeze, shaking him lightly. He tried to listen carefully so that he wouldn't get into any more trouble than he was already in.

The voice that reached Poe's ears, however, wasn't the voice of his commander, and when he looked up, he saw an unfamiliar face staring back at him.

Suddenly, everything began to make sense to Poe, and he remembered where he was. He wasn't back in Iraq on his first or his second tour, and he wasn't standing down to his commander. He was in the apartment of Rey and Finn Scott, and he was resting from getting caught in the rain. This man in front of him (holding some kind of food that smelled /delicious/, Poe realized as the smell wafted toward him) saved him when he passed out on the highway, and he was taking Poe to get his car from the shop. Poe was safe.

Finn crouched down in front of him and held his hand out. Poe took it warily, and Finn helped him back up onto the bed. "Hey, man, are you okay?" he asked, pulling the blankets up over Poe's legs and handing him a bowl of pasta with some kind of white sauce. "You can stay here for tonight if you need to, we can always go pick up your car tomorrow, or I can just go get it if you aren't feeling up to it."

Poe shook his head. He looked down at the pasta and took a bite, his stomach clenching at the thick consistency of the sauce. Other than the nachos that Rey had given him (and the chocolate milkshake she had tried to force on him an hour later), he couldn't remember when the last time he had eaten was. He didn't have anything other than a bit of stale bread and some expired milk in his own kitchen, but other than that, he hadn't care enough about his health to go grocery shopping. It just seemed like such a waste when Poe was barely even sure if he wanted to stay alive or not.

Poe closed his eyes at that thought and took a deep breath. He needed to stop thinking like that.

He opened his eyes again and looked at Finn, giving him a tight, tired smile. "Thanks, but I need to get back home."

Finn nodded. "Ah. Someone waiting for you?"

"Yeah, something like that." Poe forced himself to eat more of the pasta. Finn ate, too, and sat down on the end of the bed by Poe's feet.

For several minutes, neither Poe nor Finn said anything while they finished eating their dinners. Finn didn't seem to be in any kind of a hurry, so Poe used that time to study the man that had saved him. He had cropped black hair, and eyes that were nearly as dark as Rey's, with a jagged scar that ran from just under his left ear around to the back of his neck, where it disappeared under his shirt. He looked young, really young (Poe figured that he was twenty-two or twenty-three, maybe twenty-four), and his tight white tee shirt revealed that he worked out frequently. He had black tribal tattoos running up and down the lengths of his arms, and his face, while still showing his youth, was chiseled and masculine.

In short, he was gorgeous.

Poe scratched the back of his neck nervously before dropping his hand back down to the comforter. If he had been back on base and met a guy like Finn, he'd be taking him back to his bed in no time. Hell, he would have scored Finn's phone number before the end of their phone conversation, although he would be lying if he said that he would wake up in Finn's bed like this hours later. He was more of the love 'em and leave 'em type than he was anything to do with actual romance or intimacy, and other than a few brief flings, he had never actually been in a relationship.

Now, though, with how fucked Poe's head was, he didn't think that he could even handle a one night stand. As much as he hated to admit it, he needed stability, and while he didn't want a romantic relationship, he did need a friend.

Maybe either Rey or Finn (or both) could fill that hole in Poe's life.

He took the last bite of his pasta before putting the bowl on the nightstand. "Actually, uhm ... If it's not an inconvenience, could I stay here tonight? I mean, if you don't have any other plans or anything, I just ..." He trailed off, feeling his frustration grow at his inability to get out what he was trying to say. He took a deep breath and tried again. "I don't have any friends here yet, and it would just be nice not to spend the evening alone."

Finn didn't respond. Poe felt his stomach clench again, and he immediately wished that he could take back his request. Yes, Finn had offered the apartment for the night in the first place, but that was probably just out of the kindness of his heart, and not because he really wanted Poe, who was still a stranger, to outstay his welcome.

Before Poe was able to withdraw his words, Finn came back to his senses, and his smile grew. "Yeah, that'd be great. Let me just go and wash out these dishes out and tell Rey what's up, then I'll make popcorn and we all can watch a movie, okay?" He got up off the bed and made his way out of the room. He turned around in the doorway, however, and gestured with his head out of the room. "You can go into the living room whenever you're ready, but there's no rush. Take your time. If you want to change clothes or whatever, the dresser is free." He smiled again before leaving.

Poe watched him as he walked out, the clenching in his stomach morphing into his insides simply tying themselves into knots.

What was he getting himself into?

 

***

 

Finn rinsed the dishes out in the sink and put them in the dishwasher before pulling his phone out of his pocket. He scrolled through his contacts until he found Slip's number.

Slip answered on the forth ring. "That was quick. Your friend get their car all right?"

"Actually, Slip, he's going to be staying here tonight, so I was wondering if you wanted to swing by here and watch movies with us and Rey."

"Yeah, sure. Gimme twenty minutes and I'll be there. Need me to bring anything?"

"Nah, we're good, unless you want to bring booze."

"Roger that. See you soon."

"Bye, Slip."

Finn hung up and put the phone down on the counter. He pulled the box of popcorn kernels down off the top shelve of the pantry and went down the hall to Rey's room. He knocked twice before going on in.

Rey turned around to glance at Finn before becoming him over to where she was sitting at her computer, Skyping with her girlfriend, Jessika, who was in the navy and stationed in the United Kingdom. She built military planes for a living. Rey and she had met when Rey spent a semester in London her sophomore year of college, and had been together ever since. Jessika only had three months left in her enlistment, and was going to move to St. Louis to live with Rey as soon as she was discharged.

Finn sat down on the end of Rey's bed and waved at Jessika. "Hey, Tester, what's up?"

"Nothing much, Trooper. Just trying to convince your sister here to come visit me before I come home." She narrowed her eyes at Rey before a beeping sound came through from her side of the video connection. Her face fell. "My computer is about to die, baby. I'll text you in a bit, okay?"

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you, too." Jessika kissed her fingertips and pressed it to the camera before turning her eyes back to Finn. "Take care of my girl, Trooper."

"Will do. Bye, Tester."

"Bye, Trooper."

Jessika's face disappeared from the screen. Rey stated at the blackness for a moment before shutting the screen and swirling in her office chair to face Finn. "Did you need something?"

Finn shrugged. "I just wanted to see if you wanted to come out and watch movies with Poe and me. Slip is coming over in a bit, too."

Rey's eyebrows shot up "I thought you were taking Poe to get his car." She pressed the tips of her fingers together and slouched down in her chair, her legs spreading apart as she studied Finn's face, her expression changing when she took in Finn's darkened cheeks. She snorted. "Jesus, Finn, didn't you listen to a word I said when you got home?"

Finn rolled his eyes, but his burning cheeks gave him away. "Whatever, Rey, it's not like that. Poe said he doesn't have many friends here and, I just thought--"

"Whatever, lover-boy," Rey interrupted, sticking her tongue out at Finn and waggling her eyebrows. Finn got up and went to the top of the bed. He grabbed a pillow and threw it at her as hard as he could. She caught it and threw it back at him, laughing. "All right, all right, I'll come out and watch movies with you guys. But the first time either Poe or you puts the moves on, Slip and I get to tease the both of you /mercilessly/."

Finn rolled his eyes again and walked out of the room, ignoring Rey's cackling that was following him as he went into the kitchen, Rey only a few steps behind him. He opened the kernel container and grabbed the popcorn maker from the lazy Susan. He poured some coconut oil in before pouring in the popcorn while Rey went through their cabinets to find all of the half-eaten packets of Oreos, chocolate chips, and Doritos that they had lying around. She pulled down bowls for them and separated the junk food before taking them out to the living room.

By the time that the popcorn was finally done, Rey, Poe, and Slip had gathered in the living room with bottles of Smirnoff and Mike's Hard Lemonade with a movie from Netflix on pause. Finn poured the popcorn into a big, white plastic bowl before going in and sitting down on the floor by Poe's feet by the plaid sofa. Slip was sprawled out the sagging brown chair Finn stole from the student lounge in college with his feet over one arm and his head on the other, and Rey was hanging upside down in the hideous orange-leather chair that their father had given them when they moved into the apartment (he was colorblind).

Slip, who had the remote, started the movie before getting Finn's attention. He pointed to Poe and made a crude gesture with his fingers before chuckling, mouthing "dude is fine as /hell/" and winking while Finn blushed even harder, a feat that he didn't think was possible.

As the movie began to play, Finn tried to pay attention. He really did. Poe's hand had somehow managed to slip down on the cushion so that his fingers were just barely brushing the top of Finn's head, and his leg was so close to Finn's face that all he could smell was the musky, woody smell of Poe, and to call it a distraction would be a gross understatement. The hair on his legs looked soft and stuck out a little, and if Finn leaned over just a little, he'd be able to rest fully against Poe.

His heart racing and his blood beginning to flow downwards, Finn moved the bowl of popcorn onto the crate-table and scooted down the length of the couch so that his head was now resting against the empty seat. He briefly considered moving up to sit on the sofa like a normal human being, but something about consciously sitting that close to Poe did strange things to his libido. Hell, if he couldn't even sit next to Poe's legs, why would he be able to sit directly next to the man without exploding? No, he could sit over here, and everything would be fine.

When the movie was halfway over, however, and Finn realized how intoxicating everything about this strange new man was, things became different. Finn had never been the kind of guy to be into a one night stand, but /damn/, if all of the guys that he met looked like Poe, he might think differently. Even being in the same /room/ as Poe was driving him crazy. He kept looking over to see how Poe was reacting to a scene, or just to look at his face and his toned body. He was still wearing Finn's tee shirt and pajama pants, and he looked better than amazing in Finn's clothes.

Goddamn did Finn want him.

He wouldn't offer anything, though, as much as he wanted to (and /God/ did he want to). He was too nice for that, especially since Poe had already said that he needed a friend. It wouldn't do any good to make things awkward or uncomfortable between Poe and him if he wanted to fill that role in Poe's life. Besides, he didn't even know if Poe like guys like that. And even if he did, why would he want Finn?

Finn was a child compared to Poe. he didn’t know how old the man was exactly, but the lines in the corner of his eyes and the mature gauntness of his face made it likely that Poe was at least ten years his senior. He probably had far more experience than Finn did, both in life and in the bedroom. Why would he want to have to deal with a twenty-three-year-old when he could have someone closer to his own league? Finn didn’t know, but he still couldn’t help but hope that maybe, just maybe, Poe would see something in him, be it the potential for a friendship or a rockin’ one-night-stand.

Finn couldn’t be sure why, but he found himself desperately hoping to have the former with this man that he had just met.

 

 

4

Poe glanced over at Finn as the first movie drew to a close. He had moved up to the sofa from the floor at some point during the film. He was leaning against the arm of the sofa with his legs propped next to him, his left leg bent at a perpendicular angle up from the couch and his right leg beneath him. He had made divided up a bowl of popcorn for himself, and was picking up the popped kernels with his fingertips. Poe wasn't sure why, but there was something mesmerizing about the way that Finn's tongue darted out, almost like a chameleon's, to steal the cracked corn from his fingers.

Poe flushed red as Finn looked over and caught him staring. Finn's eyebrows furrowed, and he studied Poe for a moment before mouthing, "Are you okay?"

Poe nodded and turned his attention back to the television screen, which had flipped back to the Netflix home screen. Poe barely had time to react before Slip tossed the remote to him.

"Okay, New Boy, your turn to pick a movie."

Poe's thought for a second before his face lit up, and he let out a laugh. "I hope you guys are up for something really fucking stupid but awesome at the same time," he said, winking at Slip ... who, now that he had dragged his eyes away from Finn, Poe had to admit was pretty damn attractive, with hazel eyes and a golden-brown buzz cut. He was wearing a baggy pair of jeans and a white muscle shirt, and had a full-sleeve on his left arm. He wasn't as gorgeous as Poe found Finn, but he was easily a seven or an eight out of ten.

Slip caught on to Poe's staring, and he winked before flipping in the chair so that his position was echoing Rey's. Poe turned back to the television and scrolled through the new releases until he found his sister's personal favorite: /Patch Town/. It was one part musical, one part mock-thriller, and one-hundred parts psychotic. He clicked play and leaned back against the sofa, kicking his feet out onto the crate-table.

Twenty minutes into the movie, Poe realized that he had been enjoying himself so much that he hadn't paid any heed to his depression or his diminished eyesight. He had nearly forgotten that he wasn't just like the other three until something launched over the arm of the couch at him and scared the bejesus out of him. He let out a shriek and jumped, accidentally throwing the attacker across the room, onto Slip's head.

Finn and Rey looked over at Poe in concern before busting up laughing. "Afraid of cats, Dameron?" Rey teased, flipping herself out of the chair and scooping the ball of fur off of Slip's face. Finn grinned and winked at Poe.

Poe ground his teeth in embarrassment, his hands beginning to tremble as he struggled to hold himself together. He didn't say anything before getting up and going into the bathroom.

The moment that the door shut behind him, Poe sunk down onto the floor and pulled his knees up to his chest. He dropped his head between his legs and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to slow his breathing down enough that he could stop hyperventilating. His heart was racing, and all he could picture were shards of shrapnel and the body parts of his members of his company flying towards his face.

Poe put his hands up over his ears and rocked back and forth, telling himself whatever he could in order to calm himself down. It would be one thing if he were at home, but he wasn’t, and it wouldn’t do for him to make a complete and utter fool of himself in someone _else’s_ home, especially if it was someone that he wanted a friendship with. Finn would think that he was a freak if he saw him, and there was no doubt in Poe’s mind that Finn would yell at him for embarrassing him in front of Finn’s sister and attractive best friend, and kick him out.

It was strange for Poe to admit that he didn’t want to go home, but he really, _really_ didn’t. Ever since he had been discharged, he had kept himself locked away from the world, kept himself where no one could judge him for his eye, but . . . there was just something about Finn that made him want to stick around. Poe knew that he was as close to rock-bottom as he could get, and while when he left, his gun was looking pretty damn inviting . . .

No. Poe didn’t have his pistol anywhere near him, so he wasn’t going to think about it.

Somehow, the thought that Poe couldn’t do anything about his rage and hysteria at the current moment released a calming wave over Poe, and it was enough for him to calm himself down. He let his legs drop down to the sides in whatever manner they pleased, and his head fell back against the door with a _thump._

It was just then, it seemed, that Finn decided to come and check on Poe. He knocked on the door a few times before whispering, “Poe? Are you okay in there?”

Poe bit his lip and took a deep breath before standing up and turning around. He put his hand on the door knob and breathed deeply again before opening it. He met Finn’s eyes and forced a smile, but he knew that Finn could see the sticky tear lines left on his cheeks and the dark-red rims around his eyes. Finn, however, didn’t comment, although he did begin to reach out towards Poe. He caught himself almost immediately (not quickly enough for Poe not to notice), and retreated his hand, shoving it down into his pocket. Poe still did not speak.

Finn tried again. "Look, I'm sorry about my sister--she didn't mean anything about it, she just teases you to show that she likes you."

Poe shook his head. He didn't know how to tell Finn that he wasn't bothered by Rey's teasing without admitting what was really wrong. In the end, he just forced his smile to stay on his face even though his cheeks were burning (and he was pretty sure he looked like a demon-clown cross breed, or something even scarier) and shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm fine, the cat just startled me, that's all."

Finn clearly didn't believe him, but he didn't comment on the way Poe sprinted out of the living room to seek solitude in the leaky, mismatched bathroom, either. Poe ducked his head and walked around him. He went back into the living room and sat down on the couch, grabbing his Smirnoff and chugging it. He ignored the sour taste on his tongue as he reached out and grabbed another bottle out of the four cases that Slip had brought and opened it, downing more than half of it in one gulp.

As he lowered the bottle, Poe looked over at Rey, who was staring at him with an eyebrow raised. “All right, boy can drink,” she muttered, nodding appreciatively before drinking her own vodka-and-cranberry-juice concoction. She pulled her legs up under her and turned back to the screen, where the movie was on pause. Poe didn’t remember pausing it before he left, but he figured that one of the other three had decided that Poe’s panic attack didn’t mean that he had to miss any of whatever fucked-up movie that he had chosen.

Finn came back in a few minutes later, and he resumed his position next to Poe. They turned on the movie, and everything seemed calm, other that the glances that Finn was sending Poe every few minutes. That, Poe could do without.

It wasn’t that he minded Finn’s eyes being on him at _all_ , mind you, he just felt uncomfortable knowing that _Finn could tell_ that something was wrong with Poe. He could tell that Poe was more fucked in the head than he was acting, and they hadn’t even known one another for twenty-four hours! If Poe wanted this friendship to last, he needed to cap down on whatever he felt . . . or he needed to get help.

The last time that Poe had called his father, Kes Dameron, they had talked about the possibility of Poe seeking psychiatric help, but Poe didn’t want to rely on pills and therapy to make himself better. It could be a place to start, though. If it got rid of the nightmares, and gace Poe enough of a foundation to start at, maybe making this new life for himself wouldn’t be so difficult.

With that thought in mind, Poe let himself get pulled the rest of the way into the movie.

 

***

 

The next morning, Poe woke up on Finn and Rey’s couch with a bottle of Jack dangling from his fingers. He didn’t remember much, but he knew that he had managed to drink enough to let him sleep a dreamless sleep. He knew that Slip had left sometime around eleven (after giving Poe his number and hinting rather heavily that he wouldn’t mind seeing Poe again, in the biblical sense), and that Rey had gone to bed sometime after that . . . but him and Finn, they had sat up and drank while they watched reruns of _Mystery Science Theatre 3000_.

Poe sat up slowly, his head throbbing and his gut feeling thick and heavy. His mouth felt as though it was full of cotton, and it took everything in his power not to throw up all over Finn’s threadbare sofa.

He stumbled into the kitchen and opened all the cabinets until he found the glasses. He fixed himself a cup of water, and downed it before drinking two more. He then went to the refrigerator and helped himself to the greasiest leftovers that he could find in hopes that it would calm the waves of stomach acid down.

Finn walked into the kitchen as the leftovers finished microwaving looking almost as bad as Poe felt. “Morning, Poe,” he mumbled, glaring at the eyes before rubbing his eyes and letting out a groan. “What time is it?”

Poe glanced over the stove, flinching when he saw how late it was. “Uh, two p.m.”

Finn groaned again. “Ugh, I was supposed to be at work three hours again, then.” He pulled his hands away from his eyes and lowered them down to his sides, spreading his fingers out wide. He shook his head. “Fuck it, I hate that job. It doesn’t matter.”

Poe felt a surge of guilt wrack through his stomach . . . or maybe it was still just the after-effects of the alcohol. He wasn’t entirely sure. “I’m sorry,” he said, taking a bite of the Chinese food before offering the container to Finn, who declined.

“Don’t worry about it. Like I said, I hate working for that fuckin’ place. Was thinking about defecting, anyway.” He got his own glass of water before pulling himself up onto the counter. “Listen, I was thinking that I’d shower up, and you could too, if you wanted to, and then I could drop you off to get your car, all right?”

“All right.” Poe wanted to ask if they could hang out again soon, but he wasn’t sure how Finn would take it, seeing as Poe made him miss work and all, even if he _did_ supposedly hate working there. Besides, the Chinese food was already threatening to come back up. Poe was probably better off in his own apartment.

Finn went off to shower, and Poe finished eating before doing the same, putting on his freshly-washed clothes from the day before and borrowing one of Finn’s jackets to put over his own hoodie. He followed Finn out into his car, and together they set off towards the shop where Poe’s car was getting fixed.

For the most part, Poe and Finn didn’t talk to each other during the drive. Poe didn’t know what Finn was thinking, but he didn’t look happy at all, and Poe started to rethink this whole friendship thing. Yes, Finn had saved him from the rain, and had brought him home. For the night, Finn needed a pilot, if just for a drinking buddy and someone to recommend horrible movies.

In the long run, though? Poe had barely been able to hold on to friendships back on base, nonetheless in the civilian world. He would let Finn leave today, but maybe, just maybe, they would meet again, and they could become friends then. His parents had always taught him that if something was meant to be, it would be, one way or another, and Poe hoped that Finn and Rey were meant to be his friends.

Besides, he planned on following through with Slip, and that could get him the reintroduction that he needed.

They reached the car shop, and Poe got out of the car. He gave Finn a grateful smile, thanked him for his hospitality, and gave him his jacket back before Finn was on his way, and Poe was spending what was left of his savings on his car.

All Poe could think, as he handed over the $800, was that he felt like he just missed out on what could be the best thing in his life.

 

5

Six weeks went by, but Finn hadn’t forgotten about Poe. He had tried to, but there was just something about him that made him impossible _not_ to think about. He had, like he expected, gotten fired from First Order Journaling, but he had quickly found a new job as a barista at a little café a few blocks from his house. Surprisingly, he was making more money as a barista than he was as a writer, and while he was still working on pieces in his own time, he was enjoying no longer being confined by his words.

He walked in on a Tuesday afternoon expecting his shift to be like it was any other day. He clocked in, put on his teal apron, and went up to the front register. “Morning, Maz,” he greeted the woman behind the counter, who was putting away pastries and treats into the front display case. “Another shipment from Nevermore Baked Goods?”

“Yes, sir,” she said, standing up and adjusting the large, circular glasses that rested low on her nose. She adjusted to her full height (with meant that she only reached Finn’s hip), and smiled at Finn as she pulled out a crescent moon-shaped cookie out of the case. She held it out to him and winked. “It’s one of Trevor’s new orange-spice ones. It’s my new favorite.” She took one for herself and took a bit, letting out a little bit of a happy shudder as the cookie coated her taste buds.

Finn chuckled and took a bite of his cookie. It definitely tasted good, but Finn couldn’t say that it was his favorite. He preferred the double chocolate chip scones or the cherry-and-lemon cobbler that Trevor Herman, the owner of Nevermore Baked Goods, had brought over a few weeks earlier as a special treat for Maz Kanata as a gift for letting him sell some of his treats in her café.

Maz’s problem with having Trevor’s delectable desserts in her shop, however, was that she couldn’t seem to be able to stop himself from eating more than she sold. Finn thought that Trevor would be pissed, but he didn’t seem to care. He thought it was pretty funny, actually, and started bringing in extras of all of her favorites every time that he made a delivery.

Maz closed the display case and walked to the back of the shop. She came out of the back room a few minutes later, however, with a bar stool. Finn looked at her in confusion as she handed the stool to him. “What’s this?” he asked, taking the seat from her and gripping one of the legs in his hand.

“That’s a bar stool,” she said mockingly, nodding her head at his hand and smirking.

Finn rolled his eyes. “Yes, I can see that, Maz. What do you need me to do with it?”

Maz gestured out into the main part of the café, where there were a few customers here and there, but it was mostly empty tables. “I’ve decided that we are going to have an open-mic night tonight. You know, generate more business, let a few of our regulars and neighbors make a few tips, et cetera, et cetera.”

“Oh. Okay, then.” Finn took the barstool out and put it where Maz pointed before going to the back and grabbing the new, portable spot lights that Maz had apparently purchased for the evening. He set the scene up while Maz worked the front counter.

It took a couple hours to get everything set up, but by the time that he had, Finn was more than ready to get back up to the counter and help Maz get some of the orders out. She was right, there _was_ more business because of the open-mic night, but Finn didn’t think that even she expected the turnout that they received. People came out and recited poetry, presented their art, sang, danced, _whatever_ , and they bought loads of coffee and snacks to go along with their performances. If Finn didn’t know better, he would think that he was working in a bar, not a privately-owned café in the middle of an artsy neighborhood.

Finn was so busy, in fact, that he could barely look up from the register to see who he was serving. “Welcome to Maz’s, what can I get you?”

The customer was quiet for a moment before saying, “Hey, Finn.”

Finn’s head shot up and his eyes widened when he saw who was standing in front of him. It was Poe, and he had a guitar slung over one shoulder. Somehow, he had gotten even more attractive over the last six weeks, his dark, curled hair fluffier and his face fuller, a goatee around his full lips. He looked happier, too.

Finn wondered if there was someone who was putting that look on his face. He hoped that wasn't the case.

Finn reached a hand up and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Hey, Poe. What do you want? To order, I mean."

"Uhm ... What do you recommend?" He looked up to the menu behind Finn's head before he looked back at Finn, his eyes trailing down to his lips for a moment before jumping back up.

/Giving me your phone number/ Finn nearly said, but he caught himself just in time. He coughed. "Uhm, anything off the breakfast menu or the drink menu. I like the cherry hot chocolates, personally."

"Okay, I'll have that and loaded fries with a fried egg." He pulled up the total on the screen before coughing again. He typed in his employee number and printed out the receipt. "It's, uh, it's on the house."

Finn was already blushing, but the smile that Poe gave him sent half of his blood up to his cheeks, and half down to his groin. He jiggled one of his legs and felt his heart begin to race. He took a deep breath. "Listen, Poe--"

"Next up, Poe Dameron!" Maz yelled into the microphone, waving her registration list up over her head.

Finn closed his mouth and swallowed. Another opportunity to ask Poe for his number gone awry. He smiled at Poe encouragingly, but he felt like it came out like more of a grimace than anything. "Good luck up there. Your food will be ready once your done."

"Okay. Thank you, Finn." Poe turned around and maneuvered his way through the crowds of people up to the cheap microphone that Maz had picked up twenty minutes before the first open-mic customer showed up. Finn put in the order for Poe's food and put the hot chocolate mixture into the pot of boiling milk on the stove.

Once Finn had made sure that the mix was reducing down properly, he turned back to face the front, just as Poe was getting settled in. He sat down on the bar stool and spun the guitar over his shoulder so that it landed on his lap. He adjusted the microphone so that it was suited better to his height, and strummed a few chords on the guitar before speaking. "Uhm, hi, everyone. My name is Poe Dameron, and I, well, I figured this was as good a way as any to make a little extra cash. I wrote this song myself, so . . . enjoy."

He strummed some chords again before he started plucking the strings in some sort of a melody. Finn didn't really know all that much about music, but he had to admit, the little bit that he was hearing right now told him that Poe had talent. And when the man started to sing . . . Wow. Finn was almost convinced that he was falling in love right then and there.

Poe's voice was /amazing/. It was rich, and velvety, and make Finn's arms and legs explode into goosebumps. The guitar complemented him in every way possible, from the way that the muscles in his arms flexed as he strummed to the way his voice danced with the chords.

It was so distracting, in fact, that Finn completely forgot about the other orders he was both taking /and/ cooking until the smell of something burning reached his nostrils. "Oh, fuck," he muttered, ripping his eyes away from Poe and darting over to the stove, where the hot chocolate had long since boiled over and was burned on to the stove in thick, chalky chunks. He turned around and apologized to the customer whose order he had been taking before shutting the stove off and trying to scrape off what he could of the mess. He grabbed a ladle and spooned out what he could of Poe's drink, but there really wasn't much left.

It was a good thing that his meal had been on the house.

Finn let out a groan and stuck his head into the kitchen to let the cook know that he needed more milk before going back to the customer at the register. "Sorry about that," he said, using his employee discount on this meal, as well, to make up for how poorly he was doing his job.

The customer, a young blonde woman who was holding a squirming toddler in her arms, gave Finn a smile and shook her head before paying Finn the full amount. "Don't worry about it, sweetie. New boyfriend?" She glanced up at Poe before looking back at Finn and winking.

Finn blushed, and his heart fluttered again. "Something like that," he muttered. He reached under the counter and pulled out a chilled chocolate milk for the toddler.

The young woman's smile grew. She pecked the toddler on the head. "Tell the nice man thank you, Eddisyn."

The toddler did and she asked. Finn responded softly before going back into the kitchen to get the newly-warmed milk and place the young woman's order.

By the time that Finn had come back out to the counter, Poe had finished his song, and was leaning against the wall and talking to Maz. There weren't any other customers that needed to order, so Finn remixed the hot chocolate and stared over the counter at Poe. He hadn't noticed Poe's clothes before, but now, he couldn't help but take everything in.

Poe was wearing a tight pair of black jeans and a black tee shirt, and he had a dark-green plaid flannel buttoned over the tee shirt. He was wearing the same military-style boots that he had on the last time that Finn saw him. It was hard to tell across the dark café, but it looked like Poe was wearing a pair of dog tags around his neck.

Finn rocked back on his heel, surprised. Why hadn't he made that connection before? Poe's shoes, the dog tags, the way that he responded to sudden movements . . . It all made sense. Poe must have been in combat before. When they were drinking, Poe had said something about going overseas, but for whatever reason, Finn took that as a /vacation/ overseas rather than an occupation.

Finn remembered the pure fear that took over Poe's eyes the first time he woke up in Finn's bed, as well as the way that he stopped breathing when Rey's cat jumped out at him. He had thought, at the time, that Poe just had a thing against cats, but there /was/ the only milky eye that the older man had . . . Maybe when the cat had jumped, Poe had been sent back to somewhere that he really didn't want to be.

Finn bit his lip and turned back around to face the hot chocolate. He needed to stop hypothesizing things about Poe that he didn't know for certain. Maybe eventually he would know the answer to these things, but for now, he had to stop.

*

Poe gave Maz one final smile before walking over to the counter. Finn was facing the other direction, but Poe honestly couldn't say that he minded. Finn from the front was attractive, but Finn from the back . . . /damn/. He was wearing that ugly teal apron with the logo of the orange Poison Dart frog wearing bifocals on it, which wasn't /exactly/ a turn-on to Poe, but beneath it he was wearing a form-fitting pair of gray jeans and a black tee shirt that did nothing to hide the strong, lean muscles that made up Finn's back.

Poe leaned against the edge of the counter and cleared his throat. Finn glanced over his shoulder before turning around completely. He gave Poe a smile so bright that Poe felt like he needed to put on a pair of sunglasses to even look at him.

"You were great out there," Finn said, opening a door behind him and grabbing Poe's loaded fries. He held them out to Poe before handing him the hot chocolate.

Poe tried the drink first with an air of apprehension. He was pleasantly surprised to see just how good it tasted. The chocolate itself was rich and dark, just how Poe liked it (and how he liked his men, too, a nagging voice in the back of his head told him), but the cherry juice just made the flavor /pop/. The fries were just as good, even though the egg was a little more runny than Poe was used to.

He scarfed down a few of the fries before holding the container out to share with Finn. Finn took a few before pushing the container away. Poe shrugged, but continued to eat. He sat down in one of the three chairs that lined the counter and watched Finn work as more customers came up.

Poe sat in silence for twenty minutes before Finn finally had a few minutes to catch his breath and come over to him. When he finally did, Poe was shocked to see how exhausted the younger man looked. "When is your shift over?" he asked, watching as Finn's eyes began to drift shut of their own accord.

Finn's eyes shot open, and he glanced over at the clock above the stove. "Uh, twenty minutes ago."

Poe snorted. "Got it." He thought for a moment about what he wanted to say next. Part of him wanted to just leave their conversation here, but a bigger part of him was screaming that he had missed the opportunity to be Finn's friend before, and if he was smart, he wouldn't skip out on this second chance that he had gotten. "Listen, Finn, I was wondering--"

"Do you want to go out on a date with me sometime?"

Poe's eyes widened in shock at Finn's interruption. He honestly did not know what to say. Once again, his mind was divided up into "to do" and "not to do." Did he want to be friends with this attractive man? Yes. Did he find Finn attractive? Very much so. Did he want to sleep with Finn, eventually, if the opportunity arose? /Of course/.

But to actually date Finn? To have feelings involved? Poe wasn't so sure. He needed a friend, and he felt like Finn could be a really good friend to him. If they tried dating, though, and it didn't work out, Poe would be all on his own again.

Before Poe could say anything, Finn got a panicked look on his face and beckoned Maz over to the register before bolting into the kitchen.

Finn never came back out.

Another opportunity lost.

 

6

In the end, Poe spent nearly two hours sitting at the counter, just waiting for Finn until Maz finally cut him some slack and let him know that Finn had slipped out through the back door. She also told him that Finn was working the next day at noon, so he should come back then to try and talk to him.

He left the cafe with mixed feelings. On the one hand, it definitely made things easier, having Finn make the decision about the date for him. On the other hand, Poe still desperately wanted to be Finn's friend, and he didn't think that he could get that without actually having a conversation with him, especially now that he knew that Finn had at least a slight romantic interest in him. They needed to talk things out and see where they stood.

Poe climbed into his car and leaned his head back against the seat for a moment before tipping forward and looking at his phone. He needed to unwind after a night like this, and he knew just the way to do so. He needed to find someone to hookup with.

He skimmed through his contacts until he found the number he was looking for. He held the device up to his ear and listened to the rings until the call was answered.

"Why, hello, Poe," a male voice answered, his voice thick and raspy. "I'm glad you finally called me."

"Hey to you too, Slip. I was wondering if you were free tonight to . . . you know." He slouched down in his seat and hit the lever to lift his steering wheel, spreading his legs out beneath it. He dropped a hand down to the inside of his leg, his fingers trailing over the inside of his thigh while he waited for the other man to accept or deny his proposal.

Poe didn’t have to wait very long for Slip to answer. “Fuck yes. My place or yours?”

“Yours?”

“Awesome. I’ll text you the address. See you soon.”

“See ya.” Poe pulled his phone away from his ear and dropped it down onto his lap. True to his word, Slip sent Poe the address. Poe typed it in to his GPS and went on his way.

Twenty minutes later, Poe pulled into Slip’s driveway. He unbuttoned his flannel and threw it into the backseat, adjusting his belt so that his pants fit him a little more snug. He got out of the car and locked it before going up to the house.

Slip pulled open the door before Poe even had a chance to knock. “Hey,” he said, his voice low and raspy. He leaned against the doorframe and let his eyes trail over Poe. He bit down on his lip and his tongue darted out to play with the ring that was directly below his teeth. He was wearing a pair of gray sweats that rested below the waistband of his boxers. He had one hand resting against the top of his boxers so that they were pulled down enough to expose one sharp, shapely hipbone.

Slip clearly wasn’t playing any games. When Poe reached the door, he grabbed him and pulled him in, slamming him against the wall and pressing his lips to Poe’s neck.

What an interesting start to a friendship.

 

***

 

“Thanks for that, Poe. Let’s do it again sometime,” Slip said, leading Poe to the front door and holding his hand out towards Poe’s car. Poe nodded his head at him and leaned forward to give him one last hard, lingering kiss before he left.

Poe pulled back and winked. “Definitely.” He snaked a hand down and brushed it over Slip’s sweatpant-clad cock that only minutes before had been shoved down Poe’s throat. Slip let out a little sound before moving forward for another kiss.

Poe was ready to leave, however, and stepped away before Slip could try and initiate a round two. “Sorry, sweetheart, I’m a bit older than you, remember? It takes me more than ten minutes to recharge my cockpit, if you know what I meet.”

Slip chuckled, but stepped back. “All right, all right, fine.” He shook his head, his eyes still heavily-lidded with lust as he watched Poe walk backwards down the driveway.

Poe finally turned around when he reached the mailbox, and when he did, his cocky, sated expression dropped, and he had to swallow thickly in order to keep himself from hyperventilating. He wasn’t sure why, but there was just something about the way that Slip had sex that reminded him of being back in Iraq. He didn’t know whether it was the sounds that he made, or the way that he gripped Poe's thighs, or just Slip himself, but whatever it was, Poe didn't like it. He thought that hooking up with such an attractive man would make him feel more relaxed so that he could sleep without nightmares, but he didn't think that that would be the case.

He sighed and put the car into drive. If he had nightmares, he dealt with it. First, however, he needed to get home. It was already four in the morning, for goodness sakes, and he had to be up for work at six.

 

***

 

Poe called in sick to work the next morning.

Physically he was fine, other than a bit tired, but emotionally, he _really_ wasn't doing so great. He hadn't had any nightmares (granted, the fact that he didn't sleep was what kept those at bay), but he still felt like there was a rock on his chest and like his skin was three sizes too small. He wasn't hyperventilating or full-on panicking, but whatever he felt was far too close to a panic attack for his liking.

He dragged himself out of bed and into the kitchen, where he grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge and one of his anxiety pills that his new doctor had prescribed for him. He tossed the pill in his mouth and swallowed a mouthful of the water, desperately hoping that the pill would kick in quickly and he could finally get some sleep.

Sometime during the two hours that Poe was staring at the ceiling, he started to doubt whether or not it was a good idea to involve Finn in any of this. When he lied down on the bed, he had started to think that, maybe, a date or two with Finn wouldn’t hurt. The more that he panicked, however, and the more in his head that he allowed himself to get, the worse that he thought that that decision was.

What if Finn and he went on that first date, and then a second, and then a third, and it became something that Poe got too attached to? For a while, it would be fine, but eventually, Poe’s PTSD (as his doctor called it) would get in the way of their relationship. Finn would get tired of Poe having one too many panic attacks, or so severe of a nightmare that he would last out and hurt Finn in his sleep.

Poe sighed and went back into his bedroom, flopping down on the bed and burying his face in his pillow. He let out a scream that lasted several seconds before rolling back over onto his back.

For nearly an hour Poe, once again, stared at the ceiling and got sucked into his head. He only broke out of it when his phone began to ring.

He sighed and reached over to the nightstand. He grabbed his phone and looked at the screen to see who was calling. It was his father. “Hello?”

“Hey, son. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.” Poe sat up and pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his free arm around his shins and resting his cheek against his kneecaps. He let out another sigh, closing his eyes and biting down on his lip. He let out an exasperated chuckle. "Actually, that's a lie. I'm so fucking not fine, not in the least."

"What's wrong?"

Poe took a deep breathe before letting out all of the things that he was feeling about Finn, his new job, and everything in between, with the exception of his PTSD. He talked about how uncertain he felt, and how lonely he was. He talked about how much he missed the military life, and how much he wanted Finn and Rey to be his friends.

God, he hated how childish he sounded saying that. He was thirty-two, for Pete's sake, not some second grader with a crush. If someone didn't want to be his friend, it didn't matter. He could just find someone else to spend his free-time with.

Kes, however, didn't seem to think that it was childish at all. "Son, if you want to be friends with this boy, go and talk to him. If you want to date this boy, go talk to him. If you aren't sure what you want, go talk to him. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

"I get you think I should talk to him, Papa, but what the hell am I going to say? 'Hey, I know we just met, but I think you're kind of awesome and maybe I'd like to take you up on that date but just as friends'? I think that'll just make everything more confusing."

"Again, son, you won't know until you talk to him what's going through his mind." He clicked his tongue. Poe could picture him perfectly, his dark-brown eyes narrowed and his head shaking as he stared down at Poe with a look of encouragement on his face. "I just want you to find someone and be happy."

Poe scoffed. "I don't need anyone else to make me happy, Papa. I'm a grown man."

"Well forgive me if I'm wrong, but you don't seem to be doing a very good job with making yourself happy." Kes paused, and the sound of the man taking a bite of something echoed over the phone. "I have to get going, son, but I just wanted to hear how you were doing. Call me sometime in the next few days, all right? I love you."

"I love you too, Pa. Bye." Poe put the phone back down on the nightstand and rolled onto his side. He curled into a ball and shut his eyes, breathing in and out slowly through his nose. Talking to Kes only made Poe feel more confused about what he wanted to do.

Kes was right about one thing, though. Poe was doing a shitty job at making himself happy.

Poe let out a groan and adjusted his body so that his legs were off the edge of the bed and his upper body was upright. The medicine his doctor had given him was making him feel a little groggy, but nothing like what he needed to get to sleep, and if he wasn't sleeping, there was only one thing that Poe could do.

It looked like he was going to talk to Finn.

 

***

 

For nearly an hour Poe, once again, stared at the ceiling and got sucked into his head. He only broke out of it when his phone began to ring.

He sighed and reached over to the nightstand. He grabbed his phone and looked at the screen to see who was calling. It was his father. “Hello?”

“Hey, son. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.” Poe sat up and pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his free arm around his shins and resting his cheek against his kneecaps. He let out another sigh, breathing in and out slowly through his nose. Talking to Kes only made Poe feel more confused about what he wanted to do.

Kes was right about one thing, though. Poe was doing a shitty job at making himself happy.

Poe let out a groan and adjusted his body so that his legs were off the edge of the bed and his upper body was upright. The medicine his doctor had given him was making him feel a little groggy, but nothing like what he needed to get to sleep, and if he wasn't sleeping, there was only one thing that Poe could do.

It looked like he was going to talk to Finn.

 

 

7

Finn woke up the next morning with a heavy feeling in his stomach and a pounding in his head. At first, he thought it was just the leftover anxiety from the night before (what with asking out Poe /and/ taking it back), but when he finally managed to drag himself down the hall to the bathroom nearly an hour later he knew that something had to be more wrong than just anxiety.

He splashed some water on his face and grabbed his toothbrush, desperate to try and remove the chalky, hairy texture that was covering his teeth. If he had been drinking the night before, he would assume that this was just a hangover, but as it was, he hadn't had a drop. No, this had to be something more.

Finn finished brushing his teeth and made his way back to his bedroom. He collapsed onto his bed and reached over to his night table for his phone, trying his hardest to ignore the tremble and the feeling of heaviness in his arm. He grasped his phone and pulled it over to him. He unlocked it and scrolled through the contacts until he found the number for Maz's Café.

Maz answered on the second ring. "Maz's Café, this is the owner, Maz Kanata, how can I help you today?"

"Hey, Maz," Finn croaked, his voice cracking and his throat feeling like it was made out of sandpaper. He let out a dry cough and rolled over onto his side, letting his phone balance on the side of his face while his arm sagged back down onto the pillows. "It's Finn."

"Finn! Are you all right? You sound like someone took a carving knife to your voice."

Finn forced a chuckle. "Yeah, about that. I don't think I'm going to be able to make it into work today. I'm sorry."

"No worries, dearie, I'll call someone else in. You get some rest, and I'll bring by some goodies for you later."

Maz's words brought a slight smile to Finn's lips. Even though Finn had only been working at her cafe for a few weeks, she treated him like she was her own son. He had gotten sick one other time, and like Maz had just offered, she brought him all sorts of leftovers from the day to try and make him feel better. "Thanks, Maz. I'd like that. See you tomorrow."

"All right, Finn. Bye bye."

"Bye." Finn shook his head just enough for his phone to fall off of his face. He let his eyes drift shut as he pulled the blankets up over him the rest of the way, trying to warm up his body as much as he possible could to fight off the chill that had filled the room. He began to shiver, and he vaguely wondered if he had a fever. With the way that he was feeling, he wouldn't be surprised if he did.

He nuzzled into his pillow and tried to get warm as sleep overcame him.

*

When Finn woke up several hours later, he was feeling much better, at least in terms of his stomach. Hi throat was still rather scratchy, and he was pretty sure that if he tried to talk, it would sound like he was spitting out air and running it through a motor of some sort rather than speaking.

He tossed back the covers and spun around so that his feet were on the ground. He shakily stood up, swaying on his feet for a moment before he took a step forward and slowly made his way toward the bathroom. He wasn't sure that he could stay standing for more than a few minutes, but he was hoping that a shower would clear what was left of the grogginess in his head.

Miraculously, when he got into the shower he felt worlds better than he had a few minutes previously. The hot water relaxed his muscles, and the steam opened up his sinuses and soothed the aching of his throat. He still felt weak, but he didn't think that he would fall over if he spent ten minutes or so under the stream.

Finn let out a groan and tilted his head back, resting his back against the shower wall. He let his eyes flicker shut and his mind wander, his hand drifting down over his stomach and over the top of his thighs of their own accord as Poe's face snuck into his mind. He had seen the muscles that made up his arms, and had seen the way that Poe's form-fitting clothes clung to his body, but he couldn't help but imagine how gorgeous the man would be without any of his clothing on.

With that thought in mind, Finn felt his cock beginning to fill. He trailing the tips of his fingers down his chest and over his hips before gripping his cock tightly, giving himself a few teasing strokes as he imagined what Poe would look like with his mouth wrapped around him.

Finn would card his fingers through Poe's hair and grip hard, occasionally giving the dark, curled strands a tug when Poe did something particularly magnificent with his tongue. He didn't think that Poe needed any coaching in bed, but he would urge Poe to jerk himself off while he sucked Finn. He would move his hand down to Poe's shoulders, and he would dig his nails into the soft flesh as Poe made him cum.

As Finn reached the height of his fantasy, his hand began to stutter over his cock as he felt his balls draw up and tighten, and he came all over the glass doors of the shower.

He collapsed bonelessly to the shower floor as he was suddenly depleted of all his energy, the movements he had done to himself using up the rest of what he had in reserves. He could barely feel the pain in his throat or his head any longer, though, so he counted it as a win.

After a few minutes of lying on the ground, Finn forced himself to stand up and properly wash himself. He may be feeling good at that exact moment from the orgasm, but if he wanted to feel good when he came down from that high, he needed to be clean.

Ten minutes later, Finn was washed, dried, and dressed in a warm pair of sweatpants and a soft black sweatshirt. He had on two pairs of socks, and had stolen the cheetah print slippers of Jessika'a that Rey kept at the foot of her bed. He was snuggled down on the couch with a heated blanket tucked in around him, and he was watching reruns of /Chopped/ on the television. He was almost comfortable enough to fall asleep.

Of course, then, when his eyes finally fluttered shut for more than a few seconds, there was a pounding on the door.

Finn sat up groggily and rubbed his eyes before unplugging the blanket and standing up. He dragged the chord behind him as he walked to the front door, his stomach starting to roll again at the movement. Regardless, he made it all the way to the door before collapsing against the doorframe.

"Hold on," he struggled to call out to the visitor, taking a moment to rest before pulling back the wood to see who was there.

When he saw that it was Poe, his eyes widened. He pulled the blanket tighter around himself and stepped back so that Poe could come inside. He watched in confusion as Poe made his way over to the couch and sat down, putting the laptop bag he had over one shoulder down next to his feet.

After a few minutes of silence, Finn had to ask, "What are you doing here?" He wrapped the blanket tighter around himself and sat down next to Poe. "I mean, not that it's not nice having you here, but . . . How did you even know where I lived?"

"I've been here before, remember?" Poe leaned forward and spread his legs, dropping his elbows down onto his quads. "Besides, Maz gave me your address. I went to the café to talk to you about what you said last night, and Maz said that you'd called in sick, and told me to come here." He reached down into his laptop bag and pulled out a white paper sack. He sat back up and held the bag out to Finn. "She sent these with me, too."

Finn took the bag and looked inside, chuckling dryly when he saw what Maz had packed him. There were all of her favorite treats in addition to the ones that Finn liked, as well as a few pouches of what Maz called her "famous get well tea," which was, in reality, a mixture of lemon, honey, and three different kinds of rum.

"Thanks," he said, taking out a cookie for himself before passing the bag back over to Poe.

Poe took a scone out and put the bag on the crate table. He sat back up and kicked his feet out in front of him, taking a bite of his scone before turning back to Finn. "I wanted to talk to you about what you asked me last night."

Finn's blood ran cold. /Oh God/. He had forgotten all about asking the other man out, what with how sick he was feeling, but now everything was coming back to him in full.

He really hadn't meant to ask Poe out like that. He definitely had an interest in him, but they had just met, and Finn, for whatever reason, wanted to be his friend before anything else. Poe just seemed like he was so alone and so lonely, something that Finn most definitely understood, and if he could do something to make things better for Poe, then why wouldn't he do it?

But then he had messed it all up by asking Poe out on a date. How could they be friends now when Finn so clearly wanted to have a taste of something more? Why would Poe want to put himself through that, when he could have a friend that was /only/ focused on friendship?

" . . . if that would be all right by you," Poe finished, his cheeks lightly pink and his knees bouncing up and down.

Finn gave him a look of confusion before realizing that he had zoned out through the entirety of whatever Poe was saying. He coughed, both in discomfort and from the coating of phlegm in his throat. "I'm sorry, what?"

Poe rolled his eyes, but started again. "I /said/, I thought about what you asked last night, and . . . yeah, okay, let's try it. I want to be your friend first and foremost, but I can't deny that there's some sort of attraction between us, so if it's okay with you, we hang out as friends for a bit first, get to know each other, then yeah. We can go out on a date." His cheeks were dark-red by now, and his milky eye had taken to darting around its socket nervously.

Finn's own eyes widened. "Okay, yeah. We can be friends first, I can do that."

"Okay, cool." His voice had a slight tremor to it, and the redness of his cheeks seemed to move down to his neck. "Uhm, do you want to start hanging out now, then? Unless you're feeling too shitty, I mean."

Finn shook his head rapidly, which only made his headache worse. He was having trouble caring, though. Poe had agreed to go on a date with him! "Nothing some Tylenol can't fix. I /am/ pretty tired, though, so do you want to order Chinese food or something and watch movies? I can invite Slip over when Rey gets home, if you want, but I'd rather get to know you by myself, if I'm being honest."

Poe's face fell, and Finn immediately knew that that was the wrong thing to ask. He had figured that if Poe wanted to date him then he would be fine with some one-on-one time, but maybe it was too soon for that, even though they /had/ stayed up drinking the first night that they had met.

Well, he could fix that. He would get his phone from the bedroom and call Slip, and text Rey, and see if any of Rey's other friends could come over and hangout.

Before he could get very far, Poe darted out his hand to grab Finn's wrist. He pulled him back down onto the couch. "I need to talk to you about that, too."

Finn raised an eyebrow in confusion. "All right?" He sat down next to Poe and pulled his legs up under him. He adjusted himself so that he was more comfortable while he waited for Poe to continue.

It took several minutes for Poe to say anything, and when he did, Finn almost didn't want to deal with it when Poe blurted out, "I slept with Slip last night."

Finn's heart sank. It would be one thing if Poe and Slip had slept together any other time during the last six weeks. But directly after Finn had asked Poe out? He understood that Poe probably felt confused, but to deal with that confusion by sleeping with one of Finn's friends? How exactly did that work out?

Finn wasn't sure he wanted to know.

 

8

Finn twiddled his fingers and leaned forward in his seat, his mind whirring as he studied Poe's features. Poe seemed like he felt remorseful about sleeping with Finn's closest friend, but Finn couldn't help but feel a little bit betrayed, both by Poe /and/ by Slip.

He knew that it was stupid to feel hurt and jealous when Poe wasn't his, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't help the way that his throat seized up, or the way that his stomach began to churn. He couldn't help the feelings of anger that ran through his veins at the very thought of Slip and Poe being together, and the more that he thought about it, the more angry that he felt.

Poe was a grown man, and he could do what he wanted, but to sleep with someone else right after Finn had asked him out . . . It made Finn feel like a second choice. Yes, Poe had made the decision that he /wanted/ to see where things went with Finn, but how could Finn be sure now that it wasn't just because Slip had had his fun with him but didn't want more?

He didn't think that he could.

Finn closed his eyes for a moment and sunk down in his seat. He knew that he was being stupid and acting like a jealous teenager, but he needed to think this through before he said anything to Poe that he would regret. Even with this new information, Finn still very much wanted to see where this relationship with Poe would go.

"Listen," he finally said after a few minutes of tense silence, "this doesn't change my interest in dating you, but I need a little bit of time to process this, all right? We can hang out tomorrow, if you'd like, but I think that I just need to think about this alone tonight."

He pushed himself up off the couch before looking at Poe. The other man's face was downtrodden, but he nodded regardless. "Okay. I get that. I just . . . I want to do this right, be it friendship or more. I figured it'd be better to be honest upfront than have it come out later."

"I know, and I'm glad you told me." Finn gave him a tight smile and reached a hand down to squeeze Poe's shoulder. "Just give me a call tomorrow and we will do something then, all right?"

"Okay."

"Great." Finn nodded once at Poe before turning on his heel and walking away.

Once he was sure Poe couldn't see him, his face fell. Why did he always end up falling for men like this?

 

***

 

Poe watched Finn’s back as he retreated to his bedroom. He felt a bit confused as to why Finn didn’t tell him to show himself out, or kick him out himself. He didn’t know Finn all that well, but he felt like he must have screwed up pretty badly to make _him_ leave instead of Poe being the one to do the leaving.

When Poe really thought about it, he felt more stupid than anything. He was a _grown man_ , for goodness sake! Why was he acting like such a teenager when it came to Finn? It just didn’t make sense. He had been with more men (and a few women) than he could count. Why did it matter that he was with one more? Besides, it was better that he had been honest about it and didn’t let Finn invite Slip over without clearing the air.

He was too old to deal with this shit.

See, this is exactly why Poe didn’t need to date anyone. If he and Finn had just been friends, and that was all that Finn felt for him, it wouldn’t have mattered that Poe slept with someone else, even if it _was_ one of Finn’s friends. Hell, maybe they would even make it so that the three of them could all warm one of their beds together.

Poe sighed and slouched down into the cushion, slinging one ankle over his knee and jiggling his foot lightly. He didn’t really want to go back empty apartment and stare mindlessly out the window, wishing for his old life.

He hated to admit it, but he had been really looking forward to spending the evening with Finn and Rey, and he was more than a little disappointed that he had screwed things up so quickly. He wasn’t the type of guy to regret sleeping with _anyone_ , but it looked like there was a first time for everything.

Poe waited a few more minutes before he stood up and made his way out of the apartment. Part of him was really hoping that Finn would come out of his room and tell him that he actually didn’t care, and that they could hang out even though Poe had messed up. It didn’t seem to be happening, though, so he decided that he might as well just go and try to find something else to do.

When Poe was halfway to the parking lot, however, he heard his name being called. He looked up to see Rey standing at the top of the sidewalk, her hands on her hips and an eyebrow raised. He gave her a wave and a small smile. “Hey, Rey.”

“Dameron.” She nodded at him before walking down towards him. “What are you doing here?”

“Finn and I were going to hang out, but he started feeling too sick,” Poe lied, lifting a hand up and ruffling the hair on the back of his neck. He dropped his hand down to his hip and tried to start walking again, but Rey wouldn’t let him get around her. He furrowed his brows at her before trying again. Rey continued to block him. “Uhm, can I help you?”

“I don’t know, can you?” Rey came to a stop in front of Poe and shifted her weight back onto one of her legs, crossing her arms.

“Uhm, I don’t know?”

Rey gave him another withering look before relaxing, her shoulders slumping forward and a slight bend entering her knees. She gave him a large smile. “I’m just messing with you. Well, since my brother is being a complete buzz-kill, do you want to go do something with me for a couple of hours, get to know each other more than we did last time?”

Poe thought about it for a second before nodding. “Yeah, sure. That sounds like fun.”  He _had_ wanted to be friends with Rey, anyway. Even if things were tense with Finn, he still needed that friendship, and if Rey was there . . . what did it matter if things didn’t work out with Finn, in the end? As long as he could have at least one friendship, he’d be good.

Rey’s smile grew. “Awesome.” She pulled her sweater tighter in front of her chest and shivered slightly. “It’s a little chilly out but it’s still a pretty night, so how about we talk a walk to the Starbucks up the street? Enjoy the weather _and_ get a warm treat?”

“Sure.” He held his hand out in the general direction of where the Starbucks was, motioning for Rey to lead the way. She turned on their heel, and they began to walk.

For the first several minutes, neither Rey nor Finn said anything, but eventually Rey started to ask questions about Poe’s life. “So have you found a job around here yet? I remember before you said that you’d just moved here.”

Poe nodded. “Yeah, I did. I hate it, but you know, it pays the bills.” He shrugged. “I’m just working at a gas station, nothing exciting.”

“I don’t know, gas station attending sounds like it could be pretty damn exciting. Think of how many tourists you could fuck with day in and day out! You could send them to Timbuktu for all they know and they wouldn’t blame you one bit, what with that stupidly handsome grin of yours.” Poe gave her a strange look, and Rey threw her hands up defensively. “My brother’s words, not mine.”

Poe knew that Finn found him handsome (obviously, if he wanted to date him), but there was something different in hearing Rey say it. “He said that?”

“Jesus, Poe, all I heard for, like, three weeks after you guys met was how pissed Finn was at himself for not getting your phone number, and good God, Rey, did you see his eyes? Or his arms? And don’t even get me started on when he saw you last night. I swear, I wasn’t even there to hear you sing, and even _I_ was swooning over how amazing your voice was by the time that Finn went to bed.”

Poe’s cheeks began to burn. “Thanks,” he said, letting out an uncomfortable cough. He crossed his arms and rubbed his tingling fingers against his ribs. He shook his head, suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to change the subject. “So, uh, how are you and . . . Jessika? That’s your girlfriend’s name, right?”

Rey nodded. “Yeah."

"And she's in the military?"

"Mhm." Rey crossed her arms and rubbed her hands against her biceps to create heat. "She's in the Navy. She only has a few weeks left before she's done, though. She's gonna move back here with me." She let out a small smile at the thought of her girlfriend before she started to speak again. "You know, I was planning on entering the military before I started college. I wanted to be a pilot."

/That/ captured Poe's attention, but he tried not to be too obvious about it. He gave her a sideways glance and quickened his pace so that it better matched hers. "Oh? Then why didn't you?"

Rey shrugged. "My dad wasn't exactly happy with the idea of me doing it. He was a pilot during Vietnam and Korea, and it messed with his head--he had to go to a lot of counseling to adopt Finn and me, actually. He was just worried that it would affect me worse than him, since I already have some mild PTSD from a rough childhood."

Poe swallowed thickly, his heart beginning to beat faster. He knew that there were other men and women in his unit and in his sector of military in general that suffered from PTSD, but he had never actually talked to someone with it. His doctor, Dr. Valerian, recommended it, but Poe felt like it would make him feel worse about himself rather than it would make him feel better. Rey seemed to be fine, though, so maybe Poe was wrong.

"Oh . . . What happened, if you don't mind me asking?" he asked, grimacing at how young and immature his voice sounded.

Poe watched as Rey shrugged, barely bothered at having to relive her memories, something that greatly surprised Poe. Whenever he so much as /thought/ about the accident, he felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest and like his blood was filled with shards of glass as it carved its way through his veins, let alone talk about it.

Before Poe had time to dwell any more at how at ease Rey was, she had launched into her story. "Well, it doesn't seem as bad now as it did when I was a kid, at least emotionally, but I was abused a lot growing up. My dad wasn't around at all, and my mom didn't want me in the first place. She had a bit of a drinking problem, and got abusive. I was taken into the system when I was six, after she shoved my arm into a gas burner."

Poe's eyes widened. "Wow."

"Yeah. I was put in the system after that, went to some real shitty homes before Dad adopted me. Like I said, it doesn't bother me anymore, cuz Dad was awesome, but for a while there, I was really afraid of everything. In one of my foster homes I had a foster brother who was black and really, really violent, so when Dad first adopted me a few months after he got Finn, I was terrified for, like, a year of Finn. I wouldn't go anywhere near him if Dad wasn't around."

"What changed?"

Rey paused for a minute before smiling at the memory. It made Poe feel more at ease, knowing that there was a brighter side of the storm clouds of PTSD. He tried to focus again on what Rey was saying. “It was the winter after Finn and I turned nine, I think, and we were playing out in the snow while Dad watched from the back porch. I went a little bit too far into the woods behind out house, and some asshole kid started trying to attack me with some red stick that he had sharpened and made into a cross. Finn went all protective older brother on him and went off on him, but kid was bigger than us and totally whooped Finn’s ass. He still has a pretty wicked scar across his back from where the kid had tried to stab him.”

Poe’s eyes widened. “Wow. And that made you cool with him? Him failing to protect you?”

Rey shrugged. “I don’t know, something about seeing my brother unconscious and bleeding out from his back made it impossible to be afraid of him, especially when I knew that he was that way because of me.”

“Was it really that bad?”

“Yeah. Dad had to take Finn to the hospital, and he was in a coma for, like, three weeks afterwards ‘cause he hit his head when he fell.” She shook her head. “Dad was _so_ mad. He called up the kid’s parents and made him come to the hospital and apologize to Finn the very moment that he woke up.”

“Understandable. I think I would too.”  

“Anyway, after that, Finn and I were as thick as thieves. We did everything together, at least until we left for different colleges.” She looked in front of her before looking back at Poe. She gestured with her hand out toward the building in front of them. “We’re here.”

“Okay.” Poe followed Rey into the brick, cookie-cutter style building and up to the counter. Rey placed her order and paid for her drink and her cake pop while Poe studied the menu. After a while, he placed his own order, and stepped back next to Rey to wait for the snacks to be ready.

While they waited, Rey crossed her arms and leaned against the island-style counter. She brushed a strand of hair back behind her ear and turned to study Poe. “You know, Mr. Gorgeous, we aren’t going to end this night without talking about you. If my brother was bold enough to ask you out on a date, then I’m bold enough to ask about you in general.”

Poe’s eyebrows shot up, and his cheeks flushed pink. Hearing that Finn thought that he was handsome and knowing that he had told Rey about asking Poe out on a date made him a little bit uncomfortable. It definitely made hanging out with Rey to be under slightly different pretenses.

Rey laughed at Poe’s expression. “What, did you think that Finn would keep that from me? _Please_ , he basically ran out of work in embarrassment, of course he was going to come home and vent about how much of an idiot he thought that he was the first chance that he got.”

Poe flushed darker. Talking to Rey was going to be harder than he thought.

 

9

 

Poe cleared his throat and looked up at the counter, where the barista was motioning to him and Rey that their orders were ready. He went up and grabbed the drinks and treats, calmly thanking the barista and giving him a charming smile, but on the inside, he was panicking. He didn't know if he had what it would take to talk to Rey about his past.

He had finally managed to talk to Dr. Valerian about his time in the Air Force a few weeks previously, and while it d make him feel a little bit better about the way that things turned out, there was something completely different about telling someone who he hoped to become one of his friends. He didn't care what Dr. Valerian thought about him, so he could admit the things that he had done wrong, but . . . the sister of the man he had just agreed to date? How could he tell her about what landed him state-side, or about all of the wrongs that he had done while he was in the service?

He handed Rey her purchases before following her over to a table, his stomach flip-flopping while he waited for the questions to begin. He was desperately hoping that Rey would take the answers to her questions lately, and that she wouldn't judge him too harshly.

When Rey's questions started, however, Poe was shocked to hear that she generally just wanted to know about /him/, not about the reasons behind his loss of vision or about the Air Force. Sure, she asked what he did before he came to St. Louis (he told her he was a pilot, and she put two and two together and didn't ask anymore), but that was it. She asked about his family, and his hobbies, and talked about her own answers to nearly every question that she asked.

By the time that Poe had finished his hazelnut hot chocolate, he felt like he and Rey knew enough about one another to be considered friends, and he was feeling surprisingly upbeat. He didn't have to talk about the incident or the war or anything he wasn't yet comfortable with, but as the duo left the coffee shop, Poe felt like he could talk to Rey about stuff like that, if he wanted to. It was a comforting feeling.

They were halfway back to the apartment when Rey's phone binged to alert her of an incoming text. She pulled it out and glanced at it before looking over to Poe. "Do you want to come inside and hang out for a little bit? Finn says that he's feeling a little better if you're up for it."

"How did he know that I was with you?"

"I texted him when we got to Starbucks to see if he wanted anything. So? You in or not?"

Poe barely had to think about it before he has his answer. "Count me in."

 

***

 

Finn hadn't even made it all the way back into his room before he realized that he was acting like a child, but he didn't know what to say to Poe to make his obvious jealousy and hurt look like something else. He just couldn't understand why sleeping with someone else was Poe's first reaction to Finn asking him out on a date, even if Finn /did/ freak out and take it back a few minutes later.

Finn opened the door and made his way over to his bed, letting out a groan and twisting his body as he fell down onto the soft mattress. He hated to admit it, but he was really disappointed in himself for retreating back into his bedroom like he was an upset child. He and Poe were both grown men, for goodness sake, and they needed to get everything sorted out like adults rather than hiding like Finn was doing.

Right now, though, Finn was feeling too shitty to really do anything besides hide. He grabbed the pile of blankets at the bottom of the bed and pulled them up over his legs. He grabbed his laptop out from under the bed and turned it on, continuing the episode that he had been watching when Poe had showed up.

Forty minutes later, Finn had fallen asleep with his face smashed against his keyboard, but he woke up to the sound of his phone going off. He opened his eyes and groggily reached over to his nightstand to grab the device to read the text.

/I'm at Starbucks with Poe. Want anything? Rey./

Finn studied the text before sitting up. He rubbed his eyes and let out a yawn before turning back to his phone. /No, I'm good. Thanks./

He sent the message and put the phone back down, only to pick it up a few seconds later when in dinged again. /Lover Boy looked disappointed you felt too bad to hang. Sure he can't come over?/

Finn stared at the message, but didn't respond. He didn't know what to say. Sure, Rey said Poe looked disappointed, but maybe that had nothing to do with hanging out with Finn, or about this little hurdle in their brand-new friendship. Maybe something else had happened in the few minutes in between talking to Finn and running into Rey.

Finn let out a hefty sigh and crawled out of bed. He pulled on a thicker pair of sweatpants before going out into the living room. He scooped up the discarded bag of treats from Maz and put them on the crate table. He kicked his feet up and leaned back, propping his elbow on the arm of the table and dropping his head in his hand. He toyed with his phone for a few minutes before picking his phone back up and texting Rey back.

Once Rey had confirmed that Poe still wanted to hang out, Finn went to his room and grabbed his laptop. He pulled up the online menu for a local Chinese restaurant and placed an order, just like he and Poe had been talking about before Finn freaked out and told Poe he wanted to be alone. After the order was done, he went to their liquor cabinet and grabbed a few different things to drink.

By the time that Finn had finished putting everything out, he was exhausted again, and was covered in a thin layer of sweat. His body was telling him to just go back to sleep, but this wasn't an opportunity that he wanted to miss out on.

He lied back on the couch and kicked up his feet, using his phone to control the Netflix on the television while he tried to find something new that the three of them could watch. He had only read through a few descriptions, however, when the front door opened.

Finn started to get up to apologize to Poe, but he was only able to move a few inches before he was overcome with exhaustion. He managed to wave, however, something that made Rey crack up. She walked over to him and kicked the leg of the couch. "Budge over," she said, gesturing with her hands towards where Finn's too-long legs were dangling over the side.

She didn't wait for Finn to move before slapping his ankles and sitting down on top of his shins, making Finn groan in discomfort. "Rey, get off," he said, jiggling his legs in an attempt to free himself.

Rey bounced more on the bone before twirling around and getting off. Finn sat up and kicked Rey before patting the seat next to him. "You can sit by me if you want," he said, giving Poe an apologetic smile.

The Latino man smiled back and came over, gently shoving Rey out of the way before sitting down. He pulled his leg up under himself so that he was sitting cross-legged. Rey went over to the chair and flipped upside down, much like she had the first time that Poe had hung out with them.

Finn grabbed his phone again and started the movie, but he realized almost immediately that he couldn't focus with Poe sitting so close to him. He wanted to apologize, to tell him that he didn't care that Poe slept with his friend, but he couldn't do that with Rey sitting there, so instead, he settled for slowly edging his hand along the vacant cushion in between them until he was close enough to feel Poe's warmth. He didn't go all the way over to Poe's hand, however, in case this breeched that fine line inbetween being friends and being more than friends.

Fortunately for Finn, the line didn't really matter, because before Poe could notice where his hand was, the doorbell rang, and Finn had to get up to pay the delivery boy. He brought the Chinese food back into the living room and put it down on the crate table before going into the kitchen and grabbing the plates and forks. He grabbed the ketchup, too, for Rey, who refused to eat fried rice without it.

Finn took the utensils and the ketchup back to the living room and collapsed down next to Poe, too fatigued too even bother getting his own food. Luckily, Rey had it covered, and made his plate without any complaint.

Once Finn's dinner was securely in his hands, he took a few bites before deciding that he wasn't hungry anymore. He put the plate down on the table and slid down further into the sagging couch cushions, doing everything he could to keep his eyes open.

 

***

 

Finn woke up several hours later to a dark room and his head resting on someone's lap with their hand in the short curls of his hair. He was drenched in sweat, his stomach was growling, and he could barely remember where he was, nonetheless who's lap he was sleeping on.

Finn bit his lip and swallowed thickly before turning his head to look up at his pillow. His eyes widened when he saw thick, fluffy curls and rich golden skin.

Poe, it seemed, must have fallen asleep not much longer after Finn had, if the line of drool and the indentations from the couch were any indication. Finn wasn't sure how he had gotten into Poe's lap, but there was a pillow under his head and a blanket covering his body so the move must have been intentional on Poe's part.

Finn didn't want to remove the warm weight of Poe's hand from his head, but the growling in his stomach was becoming too prominent to ignore. He eased his way off of Poe and off the couch. He covered Poe up with the blanket, then went into the kitchen and opening the fridge, grabbing all of the leftovers from dinner and tossing them into one bowl. He nuked them for two minutes before taking the bowl back out to the living room. He sat in Rey's chair while he ate, just watching Poe and daydreaming about what things could be like.

The more that he stared, the more that Finn realized how strange this situation was for him. Total, he and Poe had spent maybe thirty-six hours together, if even that, and Finn was already crushing hard on the older man, something that had never happened to him before. Sure, he'd had boyfriends and lovers throughout college, but that was /nothing/ compared to the intense attraction and waves of affection that he was feeling for Poe as he watched him sleep. If he was being honest, it scared him, but at the same time, it also empowered him.

He just hoped that Poe would feel the same way.

Finn knew that he agreed to try friends first, then dating, but it was a hurdle that he still wasn't sure how to face. He was already dying to kiss Poe, how was he going to survive weeks of spending time with and getting to know the man without being able to get anything done?

Finn sighed and stood up. It wouldn't do any good to dwell on what-ifs now, especially when his mind was still a bit clouded from being ill. He put his empty dish in the sink and left the kitchen, pausing in the doorway to look at Poe one final time before making his way to his own bedroom.

When he got to his room, he paused again, turning his head towards the living room to whisper, "Goodnight, Poe. Sweet dreams."

 

 

10

_Several weeks later . . ._

_Dark hands fell on Poe's bare biceps and drifted down over his stomach towards the waistband of his boxers. Poe collapsed down onto the bed and pulled the man on top of him. He kissed down his neck and wrapped his arms around his waist, flipping them over so that Poe was now the one on top. He moved his kisses down from the man's neck to his chest and down further until his mouth was lined up perfectly with the bulge in the man's trousers._

_"Fuck, Finn, you're gorgeous," he said with a touch of awe to his voice, his own cock swelling to its full thickness as he pulled Finn's pants and boxers down over his hips and to his knees, Poe's mouth watering hungrily as Finn's cock sprung free and bounced against the bottom of Poe's chin._

_Poe's heart began to race, and he gave the man a look full of affection before lunging forward to take Finn's cock into his mouth and give it a gentle suck before darting his tongue out and teasing the tip._

_Above him, Finn let out a groan. "Fuck, Poe I lo--"_

Poe was woken up by the sound of his doorbell ringing. He shot up and jumped out of bed, quickly adjusting his hard-on so that it was mostly concealed by the waistband of his pajama pants. He checked the time on his phone and narrowed his eyes, confused at who would be stopping by this early in the morning. Sure, he and Finn had plans (like that had nearly every day for the last two months), but Finn wasn't supposed to come over until sometime late in the afternoon.

At the thought of Finn, Poe smiled softly. Their friendship was going really, really well, even if Poe _was_ still a little unsure about actually dating the man (although, if he was honest with himself, that was exactly what he was doing, without any of the physical or romantic aspect). Poe and Finn spent nearly the same amount of time at each other's apartments as they had their own, and they had gotten so comfortable with one another that Poe and Finn could find anything in eachother’s homes without any trouble. There was nothing that they couldn’t talk about (with the exception of the event that ended Poe’s time in the military), they were comfortable with each other, and they (or at least Poe) felt like this was the best friendship that he had ever had him his life, even when he thought back to the camaraderie that he had with the other men in his unit during his time in the Air Force.

Poe hated to admit it, but even though he was still uncomfortable with the idea of being in an actual relationship with Finn, he was most definitely developing some pretty strong feelings for him. It was impossible for him not to. Finn was smart, and sweet, and he was incredibly attractive, to boot. There had been multiple times that Finn spent his lunch hour coming to Poe’s _new_ job (he quit working at the Gas Station, and started working at a 24-hour-bookstore, something that he had applied for on a whim and, surprisingly, really enjoyed) with a paper sack full of all kinds of Maz’s food items. There had been a few times, too, when Maz _herself_ had come by and brought him meals when Finn had other things to do on his break, something that Poe was sure she did because she thought that Finn and he were a couple.

A louder knock on the door pulled Poe away from his thoughts, and he pulled on a sweatshirt before going to the door. He shivered as the cold December breeze hit his bare feet before his eyes widened in shock when he saw who was standing there.

“LeeLee? What are you doing here?”

Poe’s baby sister smiled at Poe before stepping around him, pushing the door shut with her foot. She pulled her sweater down over her leggings and jumped in place, trying to get warm. “Hey, big bro. Surprised to see me?”

“Uhm, yeah. I thought that I was coming to visit you and Dad in two weeks for New Years?”

“Well, we decided to come and see your neck of the woods instead! Dad dropped me off; he’s going to the store to pick up stuff to make dinner for you tonight.” She winked. “You know how much Dad loves cooking for us.”

Poe snorted. It had been a long-running joke since before Poe and Kimberlee’s mother had died that Kes Dameron hated to cook. Shara, their mother, had asked Kes to cook dinner maybe a dozen times over the course of Poe and Kimberlee’s childhood. He had bitched and moaned the whole time he was in the kitchen, but he always managed to cook meals that were more likely to be served at a five-star restaurant then they were to children, preteens, or teenagers.

Kimberlee figured out her way to the living room, with Poe close behind. She sank down on to the couch and pulled her leg up under herself. Poe sat down next to her, pulling his own legs up towards his chest. He leaned against the back of the couch and studied his sister, seeing all the ways that she had changed in the five months that it had been since he had seen her in person. Sure, they had Skyped, and he had seen pictures of her on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat, but seeing her in person was a whole different ball game.

Kimberlee had put on a little weight since they had seen each other last, but she defiantly wasn’t fat. Her thick, black hair had grown down to her hips, and she wore it in a thick plait that rested over one shoulder. The biggest surprise, though, was the engagement ring that stood out at least half an inch above her ring finger.

Poe’s eyes widened at the ring, and he grabbed her hand to examine in closer. “Woah, LeeLee, I know that I moved away, but you couldn’t have mentioned this during a phone call or while we were Skyping? I mean, _damn_.”

Kimberlee blushed, but she couldn’t hide her smile. “Well, it just happened a few days ago.” She pulled her hand back and studied it, herself. “Michael was going to come with Dad and me so that we could tell you together, but he got tied up at work.”

Poe nodded. “Got it.” Michael, Kimberlee’s now-fiance, was in the process of opening up his own restaurant in Santa Fe, and averaged almost a hundred hours of work every week, in between coming up with recipes and finalizing carpentry plans.

Kimberlee’s smile grew, and she stared at her ring a second longer before looking back up at Poe. “How are you and Mystery Man doing? Are you still ‘not’ dating?” She gave Poe a knowing look.

“Lee, we’re friends, nothing more.”

“Yeah, and talking about him for at least an hour of _every single_ conversation that we have is _completely_ normal friendship behavior.” She rolled her eyes. “Seriously, Poe, don’t try and sell me that shit. I know you better than that.”

There was a funny feeling in Poe’s chest, but he ignored that. He and Finn really were just friends. Friends who were attracted to one another, sure, but friends nonetheless. He chose not to say anything, rolling his eyes when Kimberlee chuckled and said, "That's what I thought."

There was a ding from somewhere else in the apartment. Poe ignored his sister's commentary and got up to go back into his bedroom to grab his phone. He had a text from Finn.

/Hey, you. Rey wants me to go to the mall with her to pick out a bedspread for her and Jess's new bed. Want to come with?/

Poe grinned at the text. Jessika was officially moving to St. Louis in less than three days, and Rey had been dragging Finn along pretty much everywhere to get ready for her homecoming. Poe had been there for most of the shopping, too, and had even gotten a few new things for his own apartment. With Kimberlee at the house, though, he couldn't just leave and go to the mall with his friends. /I can't. Dad and Kim decided to surprise me and come in town./

Finn's response came less than a minute later. /Oh. I guess that means we're off for dinner and movies? I was looking forward to seeing you. :( I miss you/

/I miss you too/ Poe paused his typing, his mind whirring as he tried to decide what to do. He really did want to see Finn, but it wasn't like he could just refuse his family when they came all this way to see him. He could invite Finn over, but it would feel so much like a meet-the-parent affair that Poe was afraid that Finn would get the wrong idea.

At the way that his heart beat at the thought, though, he wasn't so sure that he cared.

 

***

 

Finn flipped his phone back and forth in his hand while he waited for Poe to respond. He stared down at the little "typing" dots, his heart beating in his throat. He hoped that he wasn't being too forward by telling Poe that he missed him. It had only been a few days since they had seen each other, but after spending nearly every day and night together, that time apart felt like an eternity.

Finn knew that Poe and him weren't actually in a relationship, and although they went out on dates (or at least that's what they felt like to Finn), they were going out as friends rather than as a couple. Finn desperately wished that Poe would start seeing him as more than a friend, but everything just seemed to point them in the opposite direction of being together. Hell, Finn had tried to go in for a kiss a few weeks after they started hanging out, and he only leaned in halfway when he was suddenly hit with a sneezing fit that ended up with him head-butting Poe's face and breaking Poe's nose. He had tried to tell Poe that the original feelings of lust and attraction that he felt when he first asked Poe out had grown into something much more permanent, and instead had started blabbering about his fear of lobsters when it showed up as an ingredient of one of his favorite cooking shows.

Finn waited a few minutes for a response, but eventually, he gave up and left his phone on the counter while he went to take a shower and to get ready to go out with Rey. It took him about twenty minutes, and when he was done, it took all of his self control not to go straight to his phone and see what Poe had said.

Finn could only stall for so long, though, and eventually, he had to check. It felt like there was something heavy on his chest, though, and nerves filled his belly as he unlocked the phone to see what Poe had said.

When he read Poe's message, all of the tension and nerves disappeared. He let out a heavy breath and smiled before typing out to Poe that he'd love to come over for dinner and meet Poe's dad and sister.

He slid his phone into his back pocket and went down the hall to Rey's room. Her door was open, and she was standing in a corner of the room, her hands on her hips and her brows furrowed, looking much like a petulant child who wasn't getting their way as she stared at the furniture.

"Who put a bee in your bonnet?" Finn teased, leaning against the doorframe and crossing his arms.

Rey glanced at Finn before looking back at her bed and her desk. "I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to fit all of Jessika's crap into this bedroom without losing my mind at the clutter.”

Finn snorted. “Hey, you’re the one who decided that you guys should stay here rather than get your own place. That’s on you.”

Rey looked back up at Finn and stuck her tongue out at him. She took her hands off her hips and went over to the closet to grab her coat. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah, definitely.” He went out into the main room and grabbed his own coat before following Rey out to her car, his breath coming out in a white fog as it hit the thick, winter air. Finn’s coat wasn’t very thick, and he started to shiver almost immediately. “Jesus, it’s cold out here.”

Rey didn’t say anything, obviously still lost in her thoughts about Jessika coming home. Finn climbed into the car and leaned his head back against the seat, trying to ignore how cold the leather seat was. He could feel the chill through the thick material of his jeans against the back of his thighs and against his privates, and it wasn’t a feeling that he could say that he enjoyed. He clenched his hands into fists, however, and focused on anything else while he waited for his body heat to warm the seats naturally.

He had told Rey that he was going to look at comforters with her, but he was almost 100 percent positive that he was going to spend their time at the mall wandering around and finishing up the Christmas shopping that he had been putting off.

Normally, he got all of his shopping done by Thanksgiving, but this year was different. Finn had Poe to shop for, and shopping for him was surprisingly nerve-wracking. He wanted the gift to be perfect, and not just anything would do. He thought about getting a new pair of dog tags engraved for him, but he was worried that Poe would find the throwback to the Air Force offensive. He thought about getting him something practical, but then he felt like Poe would think that he didn't care. He just wasn't sure, but he needed to think of something quickly, as Christmas was only a few short days away.

Rey pulled into the parking lot and into a spot. Finn got out of the car with her and walked with her into the first store, but when she started off to look at comforters, Finn grabbed her hand. "Hey, I'm going to check out some other stores and get the rest of my Christmas shopping done. Meet in the food court in two hours?"

"Sure." Rey shrugged and continued on in the direction of home decor. Finn turned on his heel and went into the main part of the mall.

He had a present to find.

*

Almost two hours later, Finn still hadn't found anything, and he was starting to think that he would show up to Poe's empty-handed. Sure, he could look during the remanding days up until Christmas, but Finn wanted to give it to him when he went over for dinner tonight. Christmas in Finn's family was always a big affair, so he didn't know when exactly he'd see the older man before the New Year.

Finn glanced down at his watch before resolving that he would check only one more shop before making his way over to a directory board, desperately hoping that some shop that he hadn't been to yet would catch his eye. He was pretty sure that he had the store list memorized (he'd been shopping at this mall since Luke had adopted him, after all), but it was worth a shot.

Finn didn't find any new store names. He let out a loud, dramatic sigh and shoved his hands into his pockets. He would just have to go somewhere else to look tomorrow. Rey was probably already waiting for him.

Finn turned around and started to walk back in the direction that he came when he saw it. There, in between Abercrombie & Fitch and Express was a little gift shop full of glass figurines and other unusual carvings, and in the very front window, a colored glass sculpture of some sort of dog lying on its back with a bone in its mouth. It wasn't very big (ten inches long and four inches high, at most), but there was just something about it that told Finn that he had to get it.

Finn went inside of the store and looked at the window display. It was locked, but fortunately, there was a worker already unlocking it to get a piece out for another customer.

Ten minutes later, Finn was walking across the food court to Rey with a brown paper bag in his hand and a wide grin on his face. He sat down across from his sister and stole a bite of the cinnamon-sugar pretzel that she was eating. "Were you able to find a comforter?" he asked, dipping his morsel in the sweet white dipping sauce Rey had purchased as well.

Rey nodded and held up a clear plastic bag that showed the shimmery dark-purple material of the blanket. "Jess will love this one." She put the bag down and started to pick at what was left of her pretzel, although the she didn't eat anymore of it.

Finn barely had to study the morose expression on Rey's face to tell that something was bothering her. "What's wrong, Rey? Jessika comes home tomorrow; you should be excited, not upset."

"I'm not upset," Rey answered quickly, shaking her head. "I'm really not."

"Then what is it?"

Rey shrugged and shook her head. She pushed the rest of her pretzel towards Finn and stood up. "You can have the rest of that. Ready to go home?"

"Yeah, but Rey, if somethings bothering you, you should talk to me about it. I won't judge, you know that." He took the pretzel bag in his hand and stood up. "Listen, tonight I'm going to Poe's for dinner with his dad and his sister. Do you want to come with me? It'll be fun, I promise." He reached out and put his hand on his sisters shoulder, squeezing it lightly. "I'm sure we will hear plenty of embarrassing stories from Poe's dad about him as a kid. You know you'd love to have something to hold over his head, right?"

Rey smiled softly. "Yeah, okay. I'll go. But we aren't staying out all night, you hear me? You promised you'd help me set up for Jessika, and you're not getting out of that just because your boyfriend's family is in town . . . Although wasn't he supposed to go visit them?"

"I think so, but it doesn't matter. They're here now, and they want to have dinner. Poe wants me at dinner. I want you there. Kay? Kay."

Rey shook her head and smirked, her sadness falling off her in waves. "Poe doesn't know what he's in for tonight."

 

11

Poe squatted down in front of his Lazy Susan and squinted before grabbing the first pot that he could find. "Is this big enough?" he asked, holding it out to his sister. It wasn’t all that big, but if Poe was being honest with himself, he didn’t even think that he had purchased these pots. The closest that he came to cooking for himself was making a cake in a ceramic coffee mug, or hard-boiling eggs in his squadron’s coffee pot, so it didn’t seem like something that he would bother spending the money on.

It probably came with the apartment.

Yeah, that sounded about right. Kimberlee studied it. "Yeah, that should do. I have no idea what Dad's making, but hey, if it's wrong, that's his fault. If he had told me his plans then I would know better what we needed."

"True." Poe grabbed a few more pots and pans before standing up. He put the cooking containers on the counter before jumping up next to them, swinging his feet and hitting them against the wood. He leaned back against the cabinets and looked at his nails uncomfortably for a few seconds before looking up at his sister. "So . . . how has Papa been? Since . . . you know."

Kimberlee shrugged. "As good as he can be, I guess. It'll be five years since Mom left in a few weeks, you know. Did I tell you that she called me last month?" She said the last part in a rush, like she wasn't entirely sure that she wanted Poe to be able to understand what she said.

/That/ caught Poe by surprise. Once Shara and Kes split up, Shara disappeared off the face of the earth. She didn't tell her children that she was never going to speak to them again, or that she was unhappy in her marriage. For years, Kimberlee and Poe thought that their parents were happy. They never fought, they slept in the same room, and they went out for date night every Friday from the time that Kimberlee was born, then one day, Poe was called in by one of the higher-ups with the news that his sister was on line three for him with some kind of family emergency, and the rest was history.

Poe got off the counter and went to his freezer. He pulled out two drumsticks, throwing one to his sister before unwrapping his own. This wasn't the kind of conversation that he wanted to have without something to entertain his mouth or his hands. If it was later in the day, he'd get Kimberlee and himself a drink, but as it was, the ice cream would have to suffice.

"What did she want?"

Kimberlee shrugged. She unwrapped her own cone and took a few bites before answering. "She said that she wanted to see me."

"And you told her 'no', right?" Kimberlee didn't say anything, but the look that she gave her ice cream told Poe everything that he needed to do. He let out a groan and scrunched up his face. "Dammit, Lee Lee, why did you see her? She told Papa that she didn't want anything to do with the three of us. What the fuck?"

Poe was asking all these questions and saying all these things, but in his head. All he could think was _Why didn't she call me?_

Kimberlee, once again, didn't answer. She licked the cone and leaned against the wall, sliding the way down to the floor. She kicked her legs out and shifted her bottom lip side to side as she contemplated what to say to Poe.

Poe watched her and tried to keep the anger bubbling in his stomach at bay. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before looking back at his sister. "Kimberlee, just tell me. You're making it worse by stalling like this."

"Sorry. She . . . she said she wants to get involved in our lives again. She wanted to start with you, but she didn't have your new number and I wasn't exactly willing to give it to her, so I just bit the bullet and had lunch with her," Kimberlee babbled, her cheeks growing red and her hands waving erratically next to her face as she spoke. "We went out for lunch at some new vegan restaurant, did you know she's vegan now?, and we got some really weird tacos that made me sick, and she told me all about her new husband and--"

"Wait, hold up. When did she and Papa even legally get divorced? Papa would have mentioned that, right?"

"I don't know when but they did, because she and Leonard got hitched in Vegas last fall, apparently, and now she has two step-kids and a few step-grandkids and I guess that made her miss us?" She paused to catch her breath, her cheeks somehow even redder than they were before. "She says she's been trying to apologize to Papa, too, but he won't talk to her."

"No shit he won't. I can't believe /you/ talked to her! That's fucked up, Lee Lee, and you know it. What'd Papa say when you told him?"

"I, uh, haven't yet?" Kimberlee jutted out her lower lip like a child and wrapped her arms around her knees.

Poe sighed and came over to sit next to her, suddenly reminded of when they were teenagers and Kimberlee had failed a test for the first time. He put his arm over her shoulder and leaned his head against hers. "Kimberlee, he needs to know. He will be more mad about it if he finds out about it from someone else."

Kimberlee wrapped an arm around Poe's lower back. "Can I at least wait until after Christmas to tell him? I don't want to ruin his holiday."

Poe thought for a moment before nodding. Christmas was always hard enough for Kes to deal with without Kimberlee's admission. If Shara had contacted Poe and he had dined with her, he would want to wait to tell Kes, too.

For several moments Poe and Kimberlee sat in silence, just taking in each other's energy. Eventually, though, there was a sound outside of Poe's apartment, and Poe had to go and see what it was.

He threw away the melted remains of his drumstick before going to the door and peaking through the peephole. His eyes widened when he saw who it was. He yanked open the door and crouched down with his arms wide as a fluffy golden retriever launched itself into Poe's arms. "BB-8!" he exclaimed, kissing the dog on the head and laughing with glee as the dog attacked his face with its tongue.

"I thought that you'd been here long enough to get your dog back," a deep male voice came from behind the dog. Poe looked up to see his father standing there in a worn pair of jeans and a dark-brown leather jacket that was covered in orange patches from his own days in the Air Force, back before Poe was born. He was holding several cloth bags of groceries in one hand, and had a duffel bag thrown over one shoulder.

Poe let out a wide smile and straightened up, keeping one hand on his dog as he pulled his father into a hug. "Hi, Papa," he said, turning to press a kiss into the older man's tanned, leathery skin.

"Hello, son," Kes answered, hugging Poe back before pulling away and heading through the living room to where he could see the kitchen through the doorway. He dropped the bags on the counter and started to go through Poe's cabinets and drawers. He chuckled as he pulled out Poe's collection of dull knives and as he examined the rusted pots and pans that Poe had pulled out of the Lazy Susan. "Not doing much cooking here, I presume?"

"When have you ever known me to cook, Papa?"

"I thought that maybe you'd try and make some dish for that boyfriend of yours. With how much you talk about him, I figured that he would have gotten you to settle down, by now." He winked.

Kimberlee snorted and pointed accusingly at her brother. "Ha! See? Told you you never shut up about your little boyfriend."

Poe rolled his eyes, once again doing everything he could to convince himself that the way hearing Finn being referred to as his "boyfriend" made his heartbeat quicken and his palms start to sweat like he was thirteen again with his first crush on his science tutor, Carlos. He decided to act like it, too, sticking his tongue out at his sister instead of responding verbally. Kimberlee did the same.

Kes let out a dramatic groan and turned back to his bags. "Okay, children, you two go play nicely while Papa gets the ingredients started."

Kimberlee made a face and went out onto the balcony with her phone, but Poe stayed behind. He went to the large, square opening between the kitchen and the living room and leaned back, his hands on the sill so that he could watch his father work.

Kes was quiet for a few minutes while he cut up the ingredients for /Chile relleno/, which was one of Poe's favorite dishes. When he realized that his son was still in the room, however, he pulled out a package of meat and a blue cutting board that he must have picked up at the store. He grabbed one of Poe's knives, too, and slid it over to him. "Well, if you insist on being in my way, then I'll just have to put you to work," he teased, reaching a hand out and squeezing Poe's shoulder.

Poe grinned and took the devices and meat from his father. He started cutting up the slab of pork into what he thought were reasonably sized squares.

Kes, however, didn't agree, and he darted out his hands to stop Poe's cutting. "No, son, like this," he said, putting his hands over Poe's and guiding him into cutting the cubes into much smaller pieces.

"Got it." Poe shook off his father's hands and started doing it again himself. It took a while, because the knife really was dull, but it calmed him down . . . or at least it did, until he remembered that Finn was coming over for dinner. "Uhm . . . I invited Finn to come over tonight."

Kes dropped his knife and spun around. "Oh? Your sister and I get to meet Mystery Man?" He winked and waggled his eyebrows.

Poe was already regretting doing this.

 

***

 

Finn's eyes flickered open a few hours after he fell asleep. He rolled over on his side and let his eyes close again before they shot open when he remembered where he was going in . . .

"Fuck!" he yelled when he looked at the clock on the table next to his bed. He had less than ten minutes to shower, change, and get across town. He yanked off the covers and jumped out of bed, running across the hall into the bathroom. He turned on the shower and hopped in, even though the water was still frigid. He washed himself as quickly as he could before getting out and grabbing his toothbrush, which he used to dry brush his teeth while he grabbed clothes and got dressed.

Finn skidded out of his room to Rey's to see that she was dressed and ready in a pair of dark, bootlegged jeans and a dark-pink blouse. Her hair was curled and spun up into a bun, and her makeup was flawless.

"Damn, Rey, you'd think that you were the one meeting your crush's family, not me."

Rey startled at his voice. She visually calmed down when she saw that it was Finn. She got up off the bed and over to him before following him out to the car. They had decided when they were on the way home from the mall that they were going to take Rey's car, since Finn was too nervous to drive. Finn knew it was stupid, since they weren't actually dating, but . . . what if this turned into something more? What if this first impression led to years of dating Kes's son and Kim's brother? What if these people were Finn's future in-laws? What if--

"Finn! Snap out of it. We're here."

Finn's eyes shot open and he turned to look up at the apartment building. Sure enough, they were at Poe's.

Rey got out of the car first, with Finn shortly after. Rey grabbed the wine that she had so thoughtfully picked out (something Finn was eternally grateful for; how could he make a good impression without a hostess gift?) and led the way up the two flights of steps to Poe's front door.

The closer that they got to Poe's house, the more anxious and unsure that Finn felt. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. He really wanted Poe to agree to move past the "just friends" stage, which was step one, so shouldn't he be waiting to meet the family (step 247)? What if Poe's dad didn't think that Finn was good enough and forbade his son from seeing him? How would he handle that kind of rejection?

By the time that an attractive, dark-haired woman had opened the door, Finn had begun to hyperventilate. The woman looked concerned, though, so Finn tried as hard as he could to even his breathing back down so that he didn't embarrass Poe.

The woman at the door waited for Finn's breathing to return to normal before properly introducing herself and inviting Rey and Finn inside. She led them into the living room (a place that Finn normally felt completely at home in) and took the bottle from wine from out of Poe’s arms. “This will be perfect with the peppers,” Kimberlee said, eying the wine with a smile. She went to the kitchen and put it on the counter next to an older Latino man who was wearing a pair of green plaid khakis and a mustard-yellow shirt.

The man turned around and gave the sibling a smile of his own before putting the wooden spoon that was in his hand in the porcelain spoon-holder that Finn had never seen before. He grabbed a towel and wiped his hands off. He held out his hand to Rey to shake before doing the same to Finn. “Hello, Finn. I’ve heard _so_ much about you,” he said, his eyes twinkling.

Poe turned bright red and turned into a sputtering mess, and Finn decided that maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. Nothing that made Poe look so adorable could be wrong.

 

12

  
Poe let his dad embarrass him for a few minutes before he shoved his way into the conversation. “Okay,” he said, pushing past his dad to grab the pot of steaming salsa off the stove. He poured it into a serving bowl before moving to stand in-between Finn and Kes. He turned to look at Kes, his eyes pleading and his voice firm as he spoke. “I think that it’s time for dinner, don’t you, Papa?” he asked, gesturing with his head towards the living room, where Kimberlee had set up pillows around the coffee table to give the living room a fake-dining room feel.

“Whatever you say, son,” Kes teased, grabbing the plate of stuffed peppers out from under the broiler. He bumped Finn with his hip as he walked by. Poe’s cheeks burned in discomfort at his father’s boldness. He really wished that he would tone it down a little . . . or a lot. It was humiliating, being teased like he was a teenager going to prom. Finn wasn’t even his boyfriend, and Kes was acting like Poe had declared his love to him.

It was sickening, and Poe wanted it to stop. He had been so looking forward to spending the evening with Finn that when he found out that his Dad and sister were in town, and he had convinced himself that it wasn’t creepy to have a friend-slash-item of lust come and meet his family like they had been dating for months. It was stupid, when he really thought about it. He was acting like they were something serious when Poe wasn’t even sure that he wanted to be more than friends. Sure, he liked Finn a lot, but he just couldn’t get into something serious. He ruined everything that he started, and this wouldn’t be any different.

Poe waited for everyone to get their food and settle down on the floor cushions before he stood up and made his way to the bathroom. He locked the door behind him and opened his medicine cabinet, pulling out the pills that Dr. Valerian had given him to help him calm down when he felt like he was overwhelmed.

He swallowed the pills with a few gulps of water and leaned back against the counter. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, letting the Xanax make its way through his system and ease some of the deep anxiety that he was feeling. He let his mind wander as he waited, and soon, he was transported back to the happy place that he had always gone to when he was struggling in Iraq.

/ _The sun was shining as Poe and Kimberlee played in the park, their parents watching them from a picnic table in the back edge of the playground. They had eaten Hawaiian pizza for dinner, and Kes and Shara had surprised their children with a chocolate ice cream cake to eat for dessert. Poe and Kimberlee each had a large slice, and were full of energy from all of the sugar._

_Suddenly, Poe heard the sound of a guitar playing from over by his parents. He let out a squeal of excitement and rushed over, sitting down on the seat next to Kes’s feet. He leaned his head against Kes’s leg and listened as the older man played a tune that he and Shara used when Poe and Kimberlee were little to lure them to sleep._

_Kimberlee ran over, too, and she lied down next to Poe, putting her head on his lap. She was only a few years old, and she was able to curl up in the fetal position without any part of her slipping over the edge of the bench. Poe put his hand into her hair and scratched her scalp the same way that Shara used to do for him._

_Kimberlee and Poe were starting to fall asleep by the time that the Kes had finished his song. He chuckled and looked down at his children. “Now, now, I don’t think that’s the mood we want to end a trip to the park to, is it? Wouldn’t you rather end it with fun?”_

_Poe and Kimberlee shot up. They knew exactly what Kes was talking about. “Yes yes yes!” Poe cried out, smiling and grabbing his sister’s hand. He pulled her off the bench and spun her around as Kes started to play something that was more upbeat._

_For three songs, Kimberlee and Poe danced and laughed and enjoyed themselves. By the time that the third song was over, they were falling asleep, and Kes and Shara hadn’t stopped smiling. Kes put his guitar down on the table next to him and wrapped his arm around Shara, leaning over to place a kiss on her temple before nuzzling his nose into her hair. After a moment, he pulled his arm back from Shara’s shoulders to scoop up his children. He put Poe on Shara’s lap, and put Kimberlee on his own._

_Poe pressed his head into his mother’s chest and nuzzled close, breathing in the scent of lavender and Pantine that she always smelled of. Shara held him close._

_“I love you guys,” she said, moving her hand off Poe’s back to stroke Kimberlee’s hair before settling her hand on Kes’s thigh. Poe smiled over at his sister, who was already asleep, and let his own eyes begin to close./_

Poe startled back to reality when someone knocked on the door. “Poe? It’s me. Can I come in?”

Poe sighed before stepping away from the counter and opening the door for Kimberlee to come in. He hiked himself up onto the counter so that Kimberlee could sit on the edge of the bathtub. Poe put his head in his hands and pulled at his hair before looking over at his sister. Kimberlee looked confused, and her mouth was turned down at the edges. She stared at him for a minute before saying, “Are you really so determined to be unhappy that you can’t see that Finn is head-over-heels in love with you?”

Poe rolled his eyes and started to push past her towards the door, even though he wasn’t sure that being out with his father and his friends was where he really wanted to be. Kimberlee wouldn’t let him pass, though, and stepped in front of him with her arms spread wide across the closed door. “Kimberlee, move,” Poe demanded, trying to push her away.

Kimberlee didn’t budge, her manicured red nails digging into the soft wood of the doorframe. “No. We’re going to talk about this before you go back out there. Finn seems like a nice guy, and he seems like he could make you really happy. I don’t know why you’re acting like such a jerk right now.”

“Kimberlee, there’s nothing there. Yeah, he’s hot, and he’s one of the sweetest people I’ve met, but Kimberlee, a relationship with him just wouldn’t work.”

“Why not, Poe? Why can’t you just let yourself be happy?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me! Help me understand!”

“Leave me alone, Kimberlee. It’s my decision, and I’m deciding that I can’t handle a relationship right now.” His eyes softened, and his shoulders drooped in misery. “Why can’t you just support my decision? You’re my sister, you’re supposed to accept my life on the surface and secretly disagree with it behind my back.”

Kimberlee held her look of anger for a few more seconds before letting out a loud sigh. “All right, fine. Let’s get back out there then, shall we?”

“Yeah.”

Finn poked at his pepper nervously. He wasn’t sure if he should start eating, or if he should wait for Poe and Kimberlee to come back. Kes was eating, and Rey had taken a few cautious bites, but Finn just wasn’t sure what exactly he should be doing. Poe looked so angry and panicked when he bolted from the living room, and Kimberlee was clearly worried. Maybe Finn and Rey being over was just making this whole ordeal uncomfortable for Poe.  
After a few seconds of Kes staring at him, Finn decided to just go ahead and cut up the pepper. He took a bite and made a pleased sound, his apprehension going away at the delicious, well-seasoned flavors that coated his tongue. He swallowed the bite before smiling at the older Latino man. “It’s delicious, sir.”

“Well, thank you, son. Chile renneno has always been one of Poe’s favorite foods, ever since he was a little boy.” He took another bite before swishing some of the wine that Finn and Rey had brought. His eyebrows rose, and he nodded his head appreciatively. “Mmm. Good choice.”

“Tank you, sr.”

Kes put the wine glass down and shook his head. “No need to ‘sir’ me, son. We’re all friends here. I told you to call me Kes.”

“Sorry, sir, I mean, Kes—”

“Excuse my brother,” Rey interrupted, shoving her brother lightly and breaking him out of his nervous trance. “Our dad was really big on the ‘sir’s and ‘ma’am’s when we were growing up. He’s a real southern gentleman, you know.”

Kes smiled. “Ah. I suppose that I understand the manners, then.” He took another bite of his pepper before pushing the plate away and leaning his back against the bottom of Poe’s couch. He crossed his legs in front of him and settled his folded hands against his thighs. He tipped his head back so that he was looking down at Finn through his eyelashes. “So, Finn, tell me a little more about yourself. What do you do for a living?”

Finn shifted in his seat uncomfortable. “I, uh, I work at a café.”

“Oh, are you interesting in cooking? Looking to do that as a career?”

Finn shook his head. Sure, he enjoyed cooking as Maz’s Café, but it definitately didn’t seem like something he was even all that good at. If he tried to make it a career, he would be broke before he even made it out of culinary school. He’d end up either crashing with Rey and Jessika for the rest of his life, or at least until he got sick of them getting busy every hour of every day.

Yeah, that didn’t seem like the type of life that he wanted.

“Actually, I want to be a writer. I got my undergrad in Creative Writing. I worked at The Resistance Report for a while after I graduated, but I quit after the magazine got taken over by different management, and just haven’t been able to land another writing job since.”

Kes’s eyes widened. “Oh! I know that magazine! An old friend of mine was the one who started it back in the late 70s. Leia Organa,”

Finn wasn’t sure what he was more surprised about, that Poe’s father knew his old boss, or that the magazine had been so much older than he had known. He thought that Leia must have started it in the 2000s, when the internet started to become a bigger deal than it had in the nineties, as most of the news magazine had been based online. He had never thought to ask about the early days of Leia’s business.

“How do you know her?” he eventually asked, his mind still whirring at the new information.

“Leia and I go way back. We met when we were in college, at an anti-war rally that Leia and Han, who was just her boyfriend at the time, had organized.” He smiled. “Originally, The Resistance Report was just a little college newsletter than Leia wrote, edited, printed, and distributed around the campus to bring attention to the things that she thought needed to be changed. We lost contact for eight or nine years after we graduated, but she came to Omaha, where Shara and I were living with the kids, in the early nineties just to come and visit us, and to tell us about how she was trying to make her journal a more national thing. They brought their son, Kyle, and him and Poe spent the entire summer playing together.”

He moved back to the coffee table and took another bite of his food. Kimberlee and Poe came back into the room and took their seats before Kes could say anything else about that summer with Leia. Poe sat next to Finn, and Kimberlee got up onto the couch behind Kes. She pulled her legs under herself and glared at her brother before digging in. Poe, on the other hand, gave Finn a tight smile, but he didn’t spare any looks his sister’s way.

For a few minutes, there was a tense silence while Kimberlee and Poe began to eat their meal, and Finn, Kes, and Rey finished theirs. It was obvious that whatever had been said between Kimberlee and Poe wasn’t anything good. The siblings were close to each other, but they were both staring diligently down at their plates. Poe had a stormy expression on his face and was poking around at the pepper like there was something wrong with it. Kes had said that whatever that thing was called was one of Poe’s favorite foods, but with the way that Poe was acting, Finn would have thought that he was eating the most foul, disgusting food on the planet if he hadn’t known better.

Finn put his empty plate down on the coffee table. “That was delicious, Kes,” he said again, his mind going blank as he tried to cut through the tension in the air. “You really did a great job.”

Kes didn’t seem to mind the repentance of Finn’s words. He smiled at him before standing up and grabbing Finn’s plate, as well as his own. Rey handed him her plate, too, after she finished the last few bites. Poe and Kimberlee continued to silently eat (or push the food around the plate, in Poe’s case). Kes took the dishes into the kitchen, throwing them in the sink before calling out, “I made dessert, too, if anyone is still hungry.”

“I’m fine,” Finn said.

“Me too,” Rey echoed.

Kes peeked his head through the doorway and nodded before coming back in and sitting down. He moved so that he was closer to Poe than he was Kimberlee. He put his hand on his son’s knee and squeezed it lightly before looking at Finn. “Did my son ever tell you about the time that I could him skipping school when he was sixteen?”

Poe groaned. “Pa, do you have to?”

“I’m a father, son. Embarrassing my children is part of the job description.” He winked and turned towards Finn.

Before he could even open his mouth, though, Poe put his plate down onto the coffee table and looked at Finn. “Finn, can I talk to you in the bathroom for a minute?” His eyes were wide and pleading, and he was chewing his bottom lip between his teeth. The look made Finn incredibly nervous. He hoped that he hadn’t done something wrong, and that Poe was still interested in him. Finn really, really liked him, but he had never been in a situation like this, where he was trying to impress the parents of someone he wasn’t even really with.

Regardless, he got up and followed Poe to his bedroom, doing his best to ignore the bad feeling in his gut. He entered the room behind Poe and shut the door softly. “What’s up?”

Poe crossed his arms and looked away for almost a full minute before looking back at Finn. “I think that you and Rey need to go home. I’m sorry, but this was a stupid idea. I think we need to get some space away from each other for a little while."

Finn’s throat felt tight, and suddenly, meeting Poe’s eyes was incredibly challenging. It seemed that he /had/ done something wrong. He looked down to the floor and nodded. “Oh. All right.”

“It’s not anything that you did, it’s just—"

"It's fine. I get it, no worries. Let me grab Rey and then we'll be on our way." He forced a smile, even though his stomach felt like it was trying to crawl its way up his throat and out through his mouth. Poe looked uncomfortable, too, the corners of his eyes tight and his mouth turned down. He reached out a hand and tried to grab Finn's arm, put Finn was too fast for him, and had spun away and retreated halfway down the hall before Poe even know what hit him.

Finn didn't look behind him to see if Poe still looked upset, even though he desperately wanted to. He walked over to Rey and grabbed her hand. He pulled her up and whispered in her ear what was going on before looking over to Kes and Kimberlee, and waving to Poe's golden retriever that was fenced in, in a corner of the living room.

Kes and Kimberlee looked confused until Finn said, "It was great meeting you both, but Rey and I must be going." He grimaced when he heard the tight, raspy quality that his voice had taken on, and he knew that it was obvious that he was upset. He kept on talking, trying to make up for that. "Early morning at work." Maz had given Finn two paid weeks off, plus a holiday bonus, even though he hadn't been working there that long.

Kes nodded. "I understand." He stood up and held his hand out for Finn to shake. When Finn took it, however, Kes pulled him into a quick hug before letting him go. "It was nice meeting you too, son." He moved over and said his goodbyes to Rey.

Kimberlee came over next to hug Finn goodbye. "Sorry my brother is an idiot," she whispered, "but for what it's worth, I approve of you one-hundred percent."

"Uhm, thanks." Finn patted her on the shoulder uncomfortably before stepping away from her as far as he could without it being mistaken as rude. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and turned on his heel, stiffly making his way out of the apartment without either waiting for Rey or telling Poe goodbye.

Right now, he just wanted to be alone.

 

13

The drive back to the apartment was silent. Rey tried to get Finn to tell her what had happened between him and Poe, but he couldn't work up the courage to get the words out, and if he was being honest, he was doing everything he could not to burst into tears at the thought that Poe didn't want him around any longer.

Finn knew that Poe and he weren't a couple, but it sure as hell felt like a breakup to him. His stomach was in knots, his chest was aching, and his throat felt raw.

Rey let Finn get all the way to his bedroom and collapse down onto the mound of covers before she said, "You know, you didn't give Poe his Christmas present. It's still at his house."

Finn's eyes widened and he sat up before letting out a groan. "Great." He dropped back down to his pillows and rolled over, pressing his face into the textured memory foam gel. "Just leave me here alone to die." He peeked open his eyes just in time for Rey to roll hers and for her to punch him in the shoulder.

"You didn't even tell me what was wrong, you know," she said, crossing her arms petulantly and raising an eyebrow. "You just stormed out of the bathroom and said we were leaving."

"I don't want to talk about it." Finn gave his sister a pleading look, the hollow ache in his chest growing worse

Her features softened, and she put her arms back down onto her lap. She reached under the bed for Finn's laptop and pulled it out. She loaded it up and went to the Netflix app, choosing some random comedy flick.

Fin knew that Rey was only trying to help him feel better, but he wasn't in the mood for company of any kind, even if it was only just his sister. He knew he was acting dumb, seeing as / _they weren't a couple/,_ but all Finn wanted to do was sleep and ignore the rest of the world. His phone was on silent and was somewhere on the other side of the room, and he had eaten enough of the pepper at Poe's that he knew he wouldn't be hungry for quite some time. If Rey would just leave him alone, then Finn could get all the sleep he wanted without having to get up for anything.

Rey, however, didn't see it that way, and kept trying to get her brother to open up to her. She let him have his pity party for a few minutes, but it was obvious that she was growing tired of his actions by the way that she started tapping her fingers rhythmically against the base of the keyboard. Finn could see her reflection in the corner of the screen, her eyes darting back and forth between the characters while she chewed her lower lip, something she had done ever since they were children when she had something she wanted to say.

Eventually, Rey couldn't keep her mouth shut any longer, and she hit the space bar to pause the movie before turning to face his brother. "Okay, tell me this, at least. Have you guys sat down and talked about what all this means? Meeting the parents is kind of a big thing for two people who are only 'kind-of' dating."

Finn shook his head. "No, we haven't, but Poe knows what I want. If he wanted the same thing, he would have told me by now that he's ready to be more than friends."

"Maybe he's just scared."

Finn scoffed. "Of what? It's not like I'll reject him or anything."

Rey pursed her lips at him before leaning back against the headboard, crossing her arms over her stomach. She was quiet for several minutes, a look of hurt and uncertainty crossing her face.

"It's like me and Jessika," she said finally, moving a hand away to pick at a stray thread in the comforter. "I know that she's coming home to be with me, but this is a huge change from what we are used to. I'm afraid that we aren't going to be able to handle being around each other all the time, and that the quirks we don't really notice about each other will start to show up more and drive us apart."

Finn raised himself up onto his elbow, his brows furrowing in confusion. "Do you really think that'll happen? Rey, Jess loves you. I don't think she'd leave you just because you eat weird and you lay on the couch upside down. Turning the toilet paper roll under instead of over, though, that might be the straw that breaks the camel's back, so to speak." He winked playfully, trying to lighten the ungodly tense air that had filled the room.

Rey didn't seem to catch the sarcasm, though, and her face fell, her teeth digging further into her lips and the tapping of her fingers growing more insistent. Her mouth tilted down at the sides as she asked, "What if she's not happy with civilian life? I mean . . . " She hesitated before continuing. "Poe said a few weeks back that he was really unhappy with being a civilian until we started being friends, but that he still sometimes really wishes he could go back to how things were before. What if it's the same for Jess?"

"I was there for that conversation, remember? He also said that even if he hadn't lost half of his vision, he would probably have retired from the military to be a commercial pilot anyway. I'm sure it'll be the same for Jessika; hard at times, but she will find other things that makes her happy. Namely, /you/."

Rey shrugged. "Yeah maybe." She let out a sigh before turning the movie back on.

Finn tried harder this time to focus on the movie, but his mind kept wandering back to what Rey had said about Poe. She was right, he /had/ mentioned that he hadn't been happy until Rey and he had come along. It didn't necessarily mean anything, but Finn couldn't help but hope that that happiness could translate into something more.

Then again, Poe wanted a break from him, so maybe it didn't mean anything at all.

 

***

 

After Finn left, things were tense at Poe’s house. Kes was obviously disappointed in him for sending Rey and Finn home just because he “couldn’t handle what could damn well be the best thing to happen in Poe’s life just because he was scared” (Kes’s words, not his). Kimberlee was quiet, and decided that she was “going to bed” a little bit after eight. Kes just sat on the couch and stared down at the fried ice cream that he had worked so hard on as it melted into a puddle on Poe’s best serving dish.

After Finn left, things were tense at Poe’s house. Kes was obviously disappointed in him for sending Rey and Finn home just because he “couldn’t handle what could damn well be the best thing to happen in Poe’s life just because he was scared” (Kes’s words, not his). Kimberlee was quiet, and decided that she was “going to bed” a little bit after eight. BB-8 was passed out on the floor with a bone that Kimberlee had bought him. Kes just sat on the couch and stared down at the fried ice cream that he had worked so hard on as it melted into a puddle on Poe’s best serving dish.

Poe gave it twenty minutes after the siblings had left before he started cleaning up the kitchen, his stomach feeling sick the entire time. He hated to admit it, but part of him wished that Kes and Kimberlee hadn’t come to visit him, and that they had just stuck with the original plan of Poe going out to Santa Fe to bring in the New Year with them. Finn and he would have had a nice night tonight, watching movies and laughing when Poe would “accidently” burn the popcorn, just the way that Finn liked it. They would make stupid commentary about whatever film they were watching, and Poe would feel happier than he had in long time.

Poe wasn’t stupid. He knew that those “strong feelings” he had been thinking about what Kimberlee had arrived meant that he was (for lack of a better term) in love with Finn. But there just wasn't . . . there wasn't anything he could do about it. He had been trained to follow orders and focus on anything besides how a battle or a situation made him feel, and he would be damned if he didn't use that military training to do whatever he could to keep his friendship with Finn from imploding on itself.

/ _That_ / was why Poe sent Finn away. Their friendship was important to Poe, and yeah, maybe at first Poe thought that they could make dating work, and if they broke up, Poe could just find another friend. But then they had started spending almost every day together, and spending time with Finn was something that made Poe's transition back into civilian life that much easier. Honestly, his doctor was thinking the same thing. He had said that having friends (even if it was only two) was the best thing that could happen to him. It would give him an outlet for when the nightmares grew to be too much, and it would give him something to cling to when he felt like the world was against him.

Poe thought back to the last session that they had, where Dr. Valerian had gotten him to open up about what he was thinking about doing with his life now that he couldn't fly anymore . . . and honestly, it was a horrible conversation to have. Poe didn't really /want/ to talk about it, but Dr. Valerian didn't give him a choice.

/ _Poe was sprawled out on Dr. Valerian's love seat, one leg bent over the edge at a ninety-degree angle, his foot resting against the floor. His other foot was dangling over the arm of the couch, and his hands were interlaced and resting on his stomach._

_Dr. Valerian was sitting in a chair across from him, his legs pulled up under him and a tray of cookies on the table in-between them. He had offered them to Poe, but Poe felt weird accepting the snickerdoodles from a man that he barely wanted to speak to. His thick-rimmed glasses were low on his nose, and he was tapping his fingers together as he studied Poe's face. "So . . . Mr. Dameron. During our last session, you mentioned that you really liked your new job at the bookstore. Are you thinking about doing something like that long-term? Or is this just a part-time gig until something better comes along?"_

_Poe scoffed and shook his head at the way that Dr. Valerian talked. It was always a mix between incredibly formal and proper with a huge vocabulary, and slang that made him sound like a college student. Regardless of the way that Dr. Valerian talked, though, he posed a good question. What /_ did _/ he want to do?_

_Dr. Valerian uncrossed his legs and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs and, once again, interlacing his fingers. "Okay, let's try this again. When you were a kid, what did you want to be?"_

_"A pilot."_

_Dr. Valerian's nose scrunched up slightly. "What made you want to be a pilot?"_

_Poe thought for a moment before answering. "It was when I was real little, maybe five or six. Mom was really pregnant with my sister, and we had gone to this big carnival. We lived in a small town, so carnivals like these were kind of a big deal, and everyone went to these things. One of our neighbors was a stunt pilot, and he took his tiny, one-person wooden plane up to entertain all of the kids." He spun himself up on the love seat so his feet were back on the ground. "I was in awe of the things that he could do, and something just clicked in me. That's what I wanted to do."_

_"Then why did you choose to fly for the military rather than commercially or as a stunt pilot? You /chose/ to be in the Air Force. Why?"/_

That was something that Poe was still thinking about. He had actually been planning on talking to Finn about it tonight, actually, before everything went wrong. Finn always seemed to know what he was thinking before Poe himself knew, so he thought that maybe Finn would be able to tell Poe what he should do with the rest of his life.

Poe sighed and finished putting the dishes in the dishwasher. He grabbed a soap pack from under the sink and dropped it in. He closed the door and started the appliance before going out into the living room to sit with his father.

Poe sat down on the couch and leaned his head against Kes's shoulder. Kes immediately put an arm around him and held him like he had when Poe was a boy. The ice cream was now nothing but a soggy shell in a puddle of white cream, and Poe couldn't help but feel upset with himself for ruining something that his father had worked so hard on.

For several minutes, neither Kes nor Poe said anything, both men just staring at the plate with somber expressions, but eventually, Kes spoke. "I've started dating again."

Poe jumped out from under his father and looked at him with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. "You've done what now?"

Kes nodded. "I figured that it was time to try and move on from your mother. I'm always going to love her, but I'm not a young man anymore, son. If I want another shot at being happy, I need to take control now, before I lose my chance." A small smile spread across his cheeks. "I've met someone. A beautiful lady named Ida."

"Oh?" Poe's eyebrows shots up. He was sure that he looked like a cartoon character with his wide eyes and arches brows. He chuckled at the image in his head, a sound that woke BB-8. He pulled the dog up onto the couch so that he could pet him before continuing. "How did you and this lovely lady meet?"

Kes blushed, something that Poe had never seen his father do in all of his thirty-two years. Kes must /really/ like this woman to have a reaction like that. Or . . . they met in a way that Kes somehow found found embarrassing or uncomfortable.

Now, Poe wasn't sure that he wanted to know how they met.

Kes scratched the back of his neck and kicked his legs out. "It was, uhm . . . We met in a support group for people whose spouses have left them."

Poe's eyes widened. "Oh. I didn't know you were going to one of those."

Kes nodded. Before he said anything, he stood up and took the melted ice cream to the kitchen. He grabbed another bone for BB-8 before coming back and sitting down with Poe to finish talking about Ida. "I started going about a year ago. It was your sister that convinced me to go, actually. She thought that it would be good for me to find people to talk to; she thought it would help me move on."

"Well I guess it did." He smirked. "I'm glad you met someone, Pops. I really am."

"I am too." He smiled, reaching a hand over and clapping Poe's knee. "I would say it's good that you've met someone, too, but it seems that you've been a total ass to him."

Poe let out a groan and sank back into the couch. He pressed his fingertips into his eyes and let out a breath through his nose. "Papa, I don't want to talk about this right now. It was a stupid idea to invite him over tonight; I should have just rescheduled hanging out for sometime after Christmas."

Kes squeezed Poe's knee tighter, his eyes changing from being teasing to exasperated. "Poe . . . "

"No, Papa, I don't want to talk about it. Not right now, okay?" He pushed Kes's hand off and stood up. "I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

"Poe."

"Goodnight." Poe shook his head with an air of finality and headed in the direction of his bedroom. Before he left the living room, though, he noticed a messily-wrapped box sitting on the end table next to the couch. Poe paused and went back to pick it up. Kes tried to get his attention again, but Poe ignored him.

Poe took the box to his room and sat down on his bed. There was a piece of masking tape on the wrapping that said that it was a Christmas present from Finn to him. He shook it lightly before deciding that he didn't want to know what it was.

Poe got up off his bed and went over to his closet, where he had Finn and Rey's Christmas presents already wrapped. He looked down at Finn's present in his hand for a moment before putting it up next to the other two.

“Merry Christmas, Finn.”

 

14

When the next morning rolled around, Finn hadn't gotten any sleep, and all he wanted to do was stay in bed. His heart was hurting, and he couldn't help but check his phone ever few minutes in hopes of Poe changing his mind. He never got any texts, or calls, or, hell, / _Facebook likes_ /, but he wasn't willing to give up hope yet. He had been thinking about how sad Poe looked when they separated, and that made him think that maybe this was just something that lasted a couple of days, and then things would go back to normal.

Hell, at this point (or at least after the point of going through different scenarios in his head all night), Finn didn't care if he and Poe were just friends, as long as Poe was in his life at some point. It had been years since Finn had actually had someone that he felt he could trust and confide in, and he didn't want that to change. Should he have talked to Poe about what the dinner meant before going over? Probably, but that wasn't something he could fix now. Clearly, he had messed up somewhere, but he still honestly wasn't sure what he had done wrong. He hadn't been too forward in his actions towards Poe, he had made sure that he wasn't making his feelings for Poe obvious, and he really thought that Kes and Kimberlee had liked him.

No, something must have happened while Poe and Kimberlee were in the bathroom talking that made Poe want a break. Finn didn't know what, but there just wasn't any other possible reason that he could think of for Poe feeling that way.

Finn pulled his blankets up all the way to his chin and rolled over onto his pillow. He heard his sister in the bathroom getting ready, and there was something about the mixture of her Korean pop music and the sound of the shower running that was relaxing him and lulling him to sleep. He wasn't sure if he would actually sleep or not, especially when Rey and Jessika actually came home, but with all the "reunited and it feels so good!" sex that the two would likely be having all night, he needed to keep on trying.

Unfortunately, Finn was only able to barely drift off when Rey started pounding on his door before barging on in. Finn groaned and rolled over again, holding his pillow against the back of his head and covering his ears. Rey didn't care that he was hiding, though, and came over to his bed, dropped down next to him, and ripped the pillow out of his hands. Finn turned to glare at her, but once he saw her expression, his own turned to one of concern.

Rey's eyes were rimmed with red, and she was breathing heavily. There were angry red welts down the length of her right arm, a sure sign that she had had a panic attack, and had taken her anxiety out on herself, something that she had started doing when she was in college.

Finn sat up and pulled his sister into his arms. Immediately, she started to cry, and she buried her face in the crook of his neck. "I don't know if I can do this," she sobbed, reaching down and gathering up the comforter in her fist to keep herself from scratching her arm. "I'm so scared, Finn; everything could be so different after today."

"Everything is /going/ to be different after today," Finn corrected her, "but it's going to be different in a good way, not a bad one. Jessika adores you, Rey. She wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't what she truly wanted. You know that."

"Do I? Do I really? I haven't seen Jessika in person in over a year, Finn, just over Skype. How do I really know that?" She pulled her her face from Finn's neck and covered her eyes with her hands. Finn pulled her fingers away and made her look at him.

"Rey, I can't tell you for sure that everything is going to be perfect. All I can say is that you love Jessika, and she loves you. Things will work out." He kissed her temple. "Things always work out the way they're supposed to."

Rey didn't say anything else for several minutes. She cried, and she started to hyperventilate, but she didn't speak.

Eventually, the crying stopped, and Finn was able to convince his sister to go and finish getting herself ready to go pick up Jessika. Once he had, how every he found himself feeling empty and just as sad and panicky as she had been. In his case, though, he couldn't be sure that everything would turn out the way that he wanted it to.

Finn lied back down as he heard the sound of Rey fishing her keys out of the basket on the front end table and leaving. At first, he tried yet again to go to sleep, but after a half-hour of unsuccessfully traveling to dreamland, he gave up. He pulled his laptop out from under his bed and turned it on, not worrying about using his headphones as he cranked the volume up to full blast. He turned on a show and let himself get lost in the movie he had picked at random.\

 

*

 

Finn didn't notice himself falling asleep, but he must have, because the next time he looked at his computer, it was on sleep mode and the sun was high in the sky. He sat up slowly and put the laptop on the bed next to him, going from being groggy to wide awake when he heard the ding of a text message from his phone.

He got off of the bed and grabbed the device, quickly looking to see who the message was from. When he saw that it was only from his dad, his heart sank.

"Get over yourself," he muttered as he put the phone back down and dropped onto his bed, putting his face in his hands. "You're a grown man, for fucks sake. Don't be so hung up on this guy."

... And suddenly, just like that, Finn knew what he needed to do. While Jessika and Rey got reacquainted with each other's bodies, he would go out and find someone to sleep with. Sure, his feelings for Poe ran /much/ deeper than just lust, but maybe, just maybe, finding someone new would make it easier for Poe and him to keep their friendship. At the very least, it would keep his libido at bay for a few days.

Finn rubbed at his eyes and sighed. He breathed in and out deeply a few times before getting up off the bed again and going to the closet. He pulled back the dark-brown curtain that made up the closet door. He grabbed a pair of boxers and socks, as well as a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved maroon sweater. He went into the now-clear bathroom and turned on the shower. Immediately, the shower mirror began to fog up, and Finn got undressed before getting in under the spray.

Finn let his hands drift over his body as the water woke his muscles up more fully. Lately, every time he did this he thought of Poe, but this time, he forced himself to think about something different. He pictured the fencing instructor that he had back in college, with his wavy blond hair and his slender, extremely tall form. He thought about the graceful way that he moved, and the way that his eyes sparkled beneath the fluorescent lights of the Rec center.

It was enough to get Finn hard, but it would require more than just pulling at his cock and thinking about the man to push him closer to the edge. He switched tactics, and started thinking about the hottest porn that he had ever watched. He tried to keep the faces blank, and for a while, it worked, but by the time he was reaching his climax, his mind had filled in the details with the dark haired, golden God that he wanted so desperately.

As soon as Finn came with Poe's name on his lips, he felt sick to his stomach. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go at all, and it was exactly why he wanted to go out that night. If he could find someone, things would be so much easier, and it wouldn’t matter if Finn’s sexual desires grew too strong when he was around Poe, because he just go to his new guy and work off those desires with _him_. Hell, maybe Finn would even see if this new guy would consider going on a few dates with him. His feelings were too strong to just go away on their own, but if he could fill the void with someone else . . . maybe, just maybe, Poe would stay in his life a little bit longer.

Finn shook his head, trying to think about something else. He was feeling worse and worse by the second. He looked up into the shower spray and let the water pound against his face and the soapy water drip down his neck as the stream washed out his shampoo. He used the suds to scrub down his body, and let the guilt and disgust he was feeling swirl down the drain with everything that the soap removed.

Once Finn was done, he shut off the water and got out. He used a fluffy sapphire-blue towel (something new that Rey had bought for Jessika's homecoming, apparently) to dry himself before pulling his clothes over his still-aching muscles.

Finn folded the towel and put it back over the towel rack. He went out into the kitchen to grab something to snack on while he waited for his sister and her beloved to return home. He wanted something rich, something decadent, that would soothe him and make him feel more relaxed for the girl that had turned his sister into such a worry-wort.

Eventually, he found a box of chocolate cake mix in one of the cabinets. He pulled it down and began to prepare it, his stomach beginning to growl in anticipation of the treat, especially when he added chocolate chips to the recipe. He got down a few spices (his own creation of cinnamon and chili powder, which he always added to chocolatey desserts) and mixed in a few teaspoons before pouring it in a cake pan.

Delicious.

 

15

By the time that the night rolled around, Finn was no longer in the mood to go clubbing. He wasn't in the mood to do anything, in fact, for nearly a week, until it was finally Christmas Day. Jessika and Rey had tried to convince him to go out to dinner with them, or to go do /anything/ fun, but something just felt wrong. It made Finn think that something more painful was happening in his mind and his heart than just missing Poe.

On Christmas morning, Finn woke up with a feeling of dread. He forced himself to get out of bed, and to drag himself into the bathroom to take a shower. It was a trick that he had taught himself back when he was in college, when he started to realize that he was getting the blues more often than not, and that there were days were it took all of his strength just to get out of bed, just like it was right now. He would take a shower and put on clean clothes, then he'd make his bed and make himself eat something small. That way, even if he felt insignificant and numb, he could tell himself that he had at least taken care of himself, even if that was the only thing he could do that day.

Finn only stayed in the shower for a few minutes before getting out and wrapping himself up in the fluffiest towel that he could find. He dried himself off and went to his bedroom to pull on a pair of soft gray sweatpants and a black flannel nightshirt. He pulled on a pair of fuzzy socks, and wiggled his toes into the fabric. He made sure that he was 100 percent comfortable before making his bed, and going into the kitchen.

Jessika and Rey were already up and sitting around the island-style counters with high stacks of strawberry pancakes. There was an extra plate next to them slathered in Nutella, just the way that Finn liked it. The girls were already dressed in fancy clothes, and they had their hair and makeup done. It made Finn feel a bit inadequate in his comfy clothes, but, he reminded himself, Rey and his father wouldn’t care what he looked like when he came for their yearly Christmas celebration later on in the afternoon. Besides, if Finn had a sudden burst of energy later in the day, he could always change into something nicer.

When Finn sat down, Jessika raised a perfectly-shaped eyebrow at him, her honey curls cascading over her left shoulder. “Rough morning?” she asked, eying Finn's comfort clothes with a twinkle of amusement in her eyes.

Finn shrugged and looked down at his plate, grabbing the fork that was resting next to the plate and cutting out a healthy bite. He shoved the morsels into his mouth, his mood improving slightly when he realized that either Jessika or his sister had made these from scratch, rather than a pre-made mix. They were fluffier than they were from the box, and there was the slightest hint of brown sugar and maple mixed in with the Nutella-strawberry goodness.

"Merry Christmas," he mumbled through a full mouth, lifting his eyes from his plate to see Jessika and Rey interlace their fingers. When he saw something sparkling on Rey's left ring finger, his entire demeanor changed to shock. "When the hell did that happen?" he cried out, dropping his fork to grab Rey's hand to examine the ring more closely. It was a solitaire princess-cut diamond on a pencil-thin band that was made up of smaller diamonds, set in white-gold. Under the LED lights of the kitchen, the main diamond looked like it was made up of rainbow facets, and it complimented Rey's designed, black-and-lime-green nails perfectly.

Rey and Jessika looked at each other before looking back at Finn, both of them beaming. "Actually, it happened a couple of nights ago. We were wondering when you were going to notice," Rey said, winking. She pulled her hand out of Finn's grasp and looked down at her ring, her smile fading to something softer and more affection-filled. Jessika didn't look away from Rey's face, but her eyes held that same gentle love that Rey's did.

As Finn stared at how sickly sweet his sister and her fiancée were, he couldn't help but feel guilty that he had been so wrapped up in his own bullshit that he hadn't noticed such a huge event happening to his sister. She had been so panicked about Jessika coming home, and while Finn had offered some moral support, he really failed at his duties of being a big brother.

His face fell. "Shit, Rey, I'm sorry I didn't notice earlier."

"Don't worry about it." Rey put her hand back down on the table and stood up. She took Jessika's plate and stacked it on top of her own. She took them to the sink and rinsed them off before putting them in the dishwasher. She turned around and leaned against the counter, crossing her legs beneath her straight-line pencil skirt and placing her hands over her stomach. "Are you excited about seeing Dad?"

Finn took another bite of his pancakes and nodded. He chewed and swallowed before saying, "Well, it has been a while since we've seen him."

Rey snorted. "That's not what I asked. I know that things weren't great the last time you saw each other, but . . . "

"Not great" was a bit of an understatement. The last time that Finn saw his dad was a few months previously, right before Poe came into his life. He was still excited to see his father, don't get him wrong, but there was just a bit of a . . . tense nervousness that came along with seeing the man.

Maybe that was part of why Poe's "break" was hitting him so hard. It would make sense, and it made him seem far less love struck than just being upset about Poe did. Hell, his father and him had only talked on the phone once or twice since then, and even that was only to talk about Finn's new job after he quit First Order Journaling.

That was what the fight had originally been over, in fact. Finn had wanted to quit First Order before the whole mess with Poe started, and Luke didn't approve. Luke thought that since so much money had been spent on Finn’s education, and since First Order Journaling gave Finn a pretty decent paycheck (plus benefits), that Finn needed to stick it out. _Just do your personal writing on the side_ , Luke had said, _and keep on working there until you can find a job that pays better. I get that you’re unhappy, but would you rather be unhappy and be able to pay your bills or happy and living on the street_?

Finn had responded with the latter, and Luke had gotten angry. He said that it made Finn sound ungrateful for the things that Luke had done for him, and that it was a waste of the thirty-six-thousand dollars that it had cost for Finn's four-year degree. Finn, on the other hand, said that working at First Order was a waste of that money, since all they wrote was garbage.

It led to the two men yelling at one another for well over an hour, and when Finn did finally quit his job, it made him more than slightly terrified to admit to his father what he had done. As he expected, Luke hadn't been happy with his decision, and that led to another argument. He barely even cared about the details of Finn's new job, too angry to really listen to what his son was telling him. It hurt Finn's feelings, and added to the fire that was fueling his own irritated outbursts.

Finn felt that anger bubbling in his stomach again as he looked at his sister and her fiancée. He took a deep breath and swallowed hard to fight it down. "I guess I'm more nervous than excited," he admitted, slouching down in his seat.

Rey nodded. "I get that." She glanced down at her watch before uncrossing her arms and legs. She pushed herself forward onto the balls of her feet and went over to kiss the top of Jessika's head. "Jess and I are going to go to the store before it closes and pick up some more stuff to make dinner tonight. Do you need anything?"

"No thanks."

"Okay."

Finn watched the girls leave. Once they were out of sight, and the apartment door had shut beyond them, he finished up his pancakes before taking the plate over to the sink. He rinsed it off, but he didn't bother putting it in the dishwasher. He would get to it later, when he was planning on helping Rey and Jessika straighten up the house for their father's visit, but for now, he just wanted to go back to sleep.

He went back into his room and lied down, wiggling his toes in his socks and pulling the covers up over himself. He wasn't exactly tired, per say, but the stress of Poe and the nervousness about seeing his father made it simple for him to just want to block everything out, and sleep the day away.

 

***

 

When Finn woke back up, he had no idea what time it was, or even if he was still in the same day. The sunlight that had been streaming in through the window when he had fallen asleep was gone, and it was replaced by soft, yellow beams that showcased just how filthy Finn's carpet really was.

He yawned and got out of bed, looking around on the oak nightstand and on the floor for his phone. He found it peaking out from under the corner of his comforter, next to where his feet had been resting during his nap. He grabbed it and clicked the screen on, his eyes widening in both shock and panic when he realized that his father was expected to be over in a mere twenty minutes.

"Fuck," he grumbled, shaking his head and going over to the closet. He grabbed a pair of jeans and a nicer sweater, hoping to at least look somewhat presentable for Luke. He quickly took his comfortable clothes off and pulled on the nicer ones before stumbling out into the hallway, and down towards the kitchen.

At the counter, Jessika was working on preparing some sort of cheese ball, while Rey was putting the finishing touches on a dark-chocolate cake that Finn knew she had baked from scratch. They both looked up when Finn walked into the room.

"Brother-mine, how nice of you to finally join us," Rey teased, winking at Finn before grabbing a spoon and getting him a scoop of the frosting. She handed him the sugary treat before going back to work. "You were so out when we got back that I didn't think you'd wake up in time to even /see/ Dad."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

"He called while you were sleeping, though. He said he's going to be a little bit late and that he has a surprise for us."

"Mm. Fascinating." Finn raised his eyebrows for a moment mockingly, his lips pursed and his features tight. He softened when he lifted the spoon of frosting and tasted it. "Damn, Rey, nice job."

"Thank you. There, all done." She pushed the plate that the cake was on away from her and brushed her hands off on the red "Kiss the cook" apron that she was wearing. She turned and looked at Finn, smirking when she saw that he was no longer in sweats. "I see you've decided to get dressed."

"Yeah." Finn walked over to her and glanced over the counter to see if there was anything he could do to help. From what he could see, though, Rey and Jessika had everything covered. He decided instead to go into the living room and pick at the tray of Christmas cookies that Rey had made the night before. He kicked his feet up onto the coffee table and turned on his phone, glancing to see if he had any missed messages from Poe before going to Facebook and goofing off.

Before long, Finn had gotten so engrossed in miscellaneous videos from different pages that he had liked that he didn't realize how much time had passed until there was a knock at the door. He sat up and dropped his feet to the floor. He contemplated getting up and answering the door himself, but Rey beat him to it. He watched, though, as the door opened to reveal Luke . . . and two children?

Finn sat up straighter and examined the boy and girl, his brows furrowing and confusion filling his gut. The boy was staring at the ground with his hands behind his back, and had skin so dark that Finn looked like a ghost compared to him. He had close-cropped black hair, and was wearing a pair of jeans and a striped sweater. He looked to be about twelve, at least judging by his height, but Finn couldn't make out his features well enough to really judge. The girl was just as dark, but her hair was braided into nearly a dozen plaits that landed just above her shoulder. She had on white tights and a red velvet dress. Her, Finn had a much harder time guessing her age. She reached the boy's shoulder, but her face still resembled a toddler. She was looking down, too.

Luke, unsurprisingly, looked the same as he had the last time that Finn had seen him, other than the beard and goatee that he had apparently decided to grow out. His hair was longer, too, and was so frizzy that his waves looked more like curves.

He gave his daughter a hug before nodding at Finn in greeting. "Hello, son," he said, his voice raspy and with a hint of apprehension in it. Finn lifted his hand and waved, but he didn't say anything.

Jessika came out of the kitchen with a towel in her hands. She finished drying her fingers off and threw the towel onto the entryway table before going in to hug Luke herself. "Hello, Luke."

Luke hugged her back before pulling away and beaming down at her. "I hear congratulations are in order," he said, looking over to Rey's hand for a moment before looking back at Jessika.

"Yes, sir." She returned his warm smile before turning her attention on the children. She crouched down in front of them. "And who might these two be?"

Luke's smile dropped, and the nervousness came back into his expression. He coughed and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Finn, Rey . . . These, well, they're your little brother and sister."

Finn's eyes went wide. His brother and sister? Why hasn't he known about this?

He looked at Rey to see if she had any idea that this was happening, but she looked just as shocked. She looked fine when she greeted her father, but now that she had had a few moments for everything to sink in, it was clear that she found the situation amiss, too. Her mouth was slightly agape, and she took a step away from the trio. Finn was sure that he had the same look on his face. Luke bit his lip and looked down at the kids. He didn't say anything, though, and neither of the children raised their heads.

After several tense, silent minutes, Jessika clapped her hands together and raised up to her full height in front of the kids. "/Okay/, how would you kids like to taste some of the leftover cookie dough that your sister made? You can eat as much as you want before dinner. Bet your Dad doesn't let you have dessert first, huh?"

The boy didn't look up, but the girl raised her chin slightly before nodding. She tangled her fingers with her brother's before following Jessika into the kitchen. Finn could hear Jessika opening up the refrigerator and pulling out the leftover dough that Rey was planning on using to make ice cream sundaes after Luke had left, although he had to agree that this served a much better purpose for it. It kept the children quiet, and it gave Rey and Finn a moment to let Luke explain what was going on without causing any emotional turmoil or bring up any bad memories.

For a few minutes, though, it seemed that Rey and Luke were both unable to say anything. Finn had plenty that he thought about saying, but no matter how he tried to arrange the words in his head, it always sounded accusatory and rude. He knew that his father loved him and wanted what was best for him, but there was just something about the memory of their last fight that made Finn feel like Luke was using these two kids as a second chance to have a child follow the dreams that he had put so much money towards.

He also knew that this thought was a rather selfish one, and he felt bad the moment that it crossed his brain. He didn't know anything about these kids' situations or about their lives. For all he knew, this was their first day with Luke, and this was a spur of the moment decision.

The more he thought about it, though, the more he remembered that his father had always wanted more children. After Luke adopted Rey and Finn, he had worked with a social worker for a short period of time to bring home a third child (some girl from the same town that Rey was from, Jakku, Kansas), but with all of the heartache and energy that it took raising two children who dealt with pasts of abuse and abandonment, he just couldn't make it work. With his children grown, though, it was only logical that he would try to expand his family again. It just didn't make sense that he wouldn't involve Rey and Finn in his decision.

Eventually, Finn was the first one to speak. "So . . . what are their names?" he asked, screwing his mouth up on one side and jiggling his knee. He tried to give an encouraging smile, but he felt like it came out more like a grimace.

It seemed to relax Luke, though, and he smiled back. "Anuba and Malako," he said, coming over to the couch and sinking down next to Finn. He put a hand on his knee and squeezed lightly. "And for who they are . . . Well, this is going to be quite the story."

 

16

Over at Poe's house, things weren't as uncomfortable as they were at Finn's, but they weren't great, either. Kes had made a great dinner, but Kimberlee, Poe, and him had eaten it around 4:30, and Kimberlee had made a lemon meringue pie, but BB-8 had managed to knock it off the counter and eat three-quarters of it while the family was opening presents. Poe had figured that he and his guests would spend the rest of the evening watching Christmas movies like they had done when him and his sister were children, but his DVD player refused to read the disks, and a sudden winter storm that kicked up around the time that they ate dinner knocked his wifi out so they couldn't even watch Netflix.

Poe let out a sigh and slumped back into the couch, kicking his legs up onto the coffee table and pulling out his phone. He opened up the Internet tab and started to browse random websites. On the adjacent chair, Kimberlee was doing the same thing, only she was sprawled out with her legs dangling over one of the arms. Kes was in the kitchen cleaning up from dinner.

Poe had just finished an article about some new machinery that was meant to allow cars to drive themselves when he had the sudden urge to text Finn, something he had been battling ever since he told the darker man to leave. He hated to admit it, but he really missed him. He had gotten so used to seeing Finn most days and talking to him /every/ day that these four-and-a-half days apart made him feel out of place and like his days were incomplete.

He debated with himself for several minutes before throwing caution into the wind and sending Finn a simple "Merry Christmas" text message. As soon as he sent it, however, he regretted it almost immediately, his heart racing and his palms sweating.

Poe had hoped that taking some time away from Finn would tone down their feelings for one another, but all it seemed to do for Poe was make him crave Finn's presence all the more. He was starting to rethink this whole "just friends" thing, too. Every night since he told Finn he needed a break, he had been dreaming about kissing the man's sweet chocolate lips and holding him while they relaxed in Poe's bed. He imagined how beautiful Finn would look waking up, and how much Poe would love to be able to come home to him after a hard day, be it at work or dealing with his memories. He wanted more out of their friendship.

He had always heard that distance made the heart grow fonder, but he never thought that it would be true for him.

Poe flipped his phone back and forth in his hand a few times before dropping it on the cushion next to him. He leaned his head back against the couch and closed his eyes, jiggling his legs and tapping his fingers against his thighs. When he felt his phone vibrate next to him, though, he shot up and grabbed his phone.

Kimberlee looked over from the chair and snorted. "Lover boy text you?"

Poe's cheeks burned, but he didn't deny Kimberlee's accusation. He unlocked his home screen and went to the message.

/I hope your Christmas is going better than mine./

Poe's brows furrowed. He stared down at the message for a minute before responding. /What's up?/ He sent the message and hesitated before typing out another one, which he sent before he had time to second-guess himself. /I miss you./

Finn responded almost immediately. /Come over. Please. Bring your dad and your sister, or don't, I don't care. I miss you too and I want to see you./

Poe stared down at his phone for several minutes before he looked over at Kimberlee. He cleared his throat, and she looked over expectantly. "Uhm, Finn wants to know if we want to come spend some time over at his place."

Kimberlee's face lit up and she spun around so her feet were on the floor. "Definitely!" She propelled herself up so she was standing. She went over to the kitchen doorway and spread her hands out, rocking onto the balls of her feet and looking at Kes. "Finn and Poe are talking again. Finn wants us to come over."

Poe couldn't see his father, but he could hear the clatter of whatever dish it was that he dropped into the sink. "All I need is a few minutes to change, and we will be on our way." He pushed Kimberlee aside and burst into the living room. He was beaming, and he winked at Poe. "You made the right choice, son."

"I didn't decide any--" Poe cut himself off, slumping back into the couch. Kes was right, he /had/ made a decision, even if he didn't realize it at the time. He was the one who told Finn that he needed space, and now, he was the one who wanted Finn back in his life. By texting him, he was opening the door wide open for any feelings between them to rush in and take over everything else.

Poe sighed and got up to grab his keys.

**

A half hour later, Poe and his family showed up at Finn and Rey's apartment. Poe was shocked to see Finn waiting by the parking lot, leaning against a concrete divider with a cigarette dangling between his lips.

Poe told his dad and Kimberlee to go on inside before going over to lean against the concrete next to Finn. He stood so the left so that he was fully capable of seeing Finn on his right. "Can I bum a smoke?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest and squeezing his arms tightly to try and stay warm.

Finn blew out a few smoke rings before looking over at Poe. "You don't smoke."

"Neither do you."

Finn looked away and shrugged, taking another drag. "Yeah, well, tonight I needed it."

"What happened?" Poe watched Finn ash his cigarette. He didn't give Finn the chance to lift the stick back up to his mouth, though, before batting it out of his hand and onto the ground. Finn turned his head to glare at him, but he didn't say anything.

Poe gave it another minute of freezing before gesturing with his head towards the steps leading to Finn's apartment. "Look, I know that we have shit that we should probably talk about, but let's go inside, okay?" He started to walk down the steps.

Before he got too far, however, he was stopped by Finn grabbing his wrist. Poe turned to look at him, immediately shocked to see that Finn's eyes were brimming with tears. "Buddy? What is it?"

Finn, once again, didn't stay anything. He pulled on Poe's hand until they were chest to chest. Poe wasn't sure what Finn wanted, but he wrapped his arms around Finn's back anyway, trying to ignore how good it felt to finally have him in his arms. Regardless, he held him tightly to his chest until his front side was toasty warm, and his back was too numb to notice the cold any longer.

Eventually, Finn began to speak. "It's stupid to be so upset about this, but my dad adopted two more kids and /just/ told us about them today, and I can't help but feel like he thinks he failed with me, since I'm not writing, and like he is using these kids to try again. And then with how confused I am about us . . . " He trailed off and sniffed loudly, burying his face in the crook of Poe's neck.

Poe's heart broke at the defeated tone of Finn's voice, and before he could stop himself, he had kissed Finn's cheek in an attempt to comfort him. It seemed to do the opposite, however, as Finn's sniffling only grew louder, and he tried to step away from Poe. Poe wouldn't let him, though, and continued to hold him tightly.

"Look, I know I've been an ass, and we will talk about everything, okay?" He pause before continuing. "Buddy, your father loves you. He wouldn't just replace you. Besides, you're his son. He never /could/ replace you."

Poe squeezed Finn one final time before holding him an arm's length away. "Let's go back inside, get to know more about your new siblings, and just have a nice Christmas. We will worry about all of my bullshit tomorrow. I promise we will talk about everything."

Finn nodded. He went in for one more quick hug before he reached down and brushed his fingers over Poe's hand softly, almost like a question. Poe tangled their fingers together in response. He yanked on their joined hands and pulled him down towards the apartment. Finn didn't offer much resistance, and followed Poe down to the front door.

Poe dropped Finn's hand as they walked into the house. Even just entering the apartment, he could feel how tense the atmosphere was. Rey was sitting on the couch with a dark-skinned boy on one side, and a young woman with honey-brown curls on her other. Poe had seen enough pictures of Jessika to know that the girl in question was her.

Finn went to sit down in his worn arm chair, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his shins. He looked over the the boy and tried to give him an encouraging smile before looking to the floor at the boy's feet, where a little girl with a similar skin tone was sitting. Kimberlee were standing by the wall talking to a bearded man that Poe assumed was Finn's father, and Kes was sitting on the boy's other side.

He went to sit on the arm of Finn's chair and rested his right hand on Finn's shoulder. Finn looked up at him before gesturing at the children. "That's my brother, Malako, and my sister, Anuba. Dad adopted them from Rowanda."

Poe's eyes widened. When Finn had mentioned that his father had adopted two children, for some reason Poe thought that he had gotten the pair stateside. He never considered the possibility that he would adopt overseas.

He didn't have to wonder about the international additions to the family for very long, though, before Kes went ahead and asked.

Luke startled at the question. He turned his head to look at Kes before coming over and sitting down on the floor next to Anuba. He crossed his legs and pulled the small girl onto his lap, jiggling his knees slightly as she began to hum happily.

"It's kind of a long story," he began, leaning back against the couch and putting his free hand on Malako's foot. "A good friend of mine was out doing some missionary work in Rowada a few years back, and he started a foundation to help children who had lost their parents to disease or to violence. He teamed up with an orphanage about a year ago. He was having a lot of success with matching children to American parents, but Malako and Anuba had a rough start to the world, and weren't making any matches that wanted to take them together or to deal with the side effects of their early life."

He leaned down and kissed Anuba on the head before looking up at Malako. "Do you want to tell them about what your life was like back in Rowanda?"

Malako shook his head vigorously for several seconds before he slowed down and gradually switched to nodding. He bit his lip before speaking, his accent thick and his words slurring together slightly as he fought the language barrier. "My sistah and my brothah and me, we were taken by a man when we were little children. My sistah, she was two when the man put her to work in his house. He made me and my brothah work as soldjahs for his army. He kill my brothah when he eleven. He train me with guns when I seven, and when I good at that--"

/"Dammit, soldier, you hold that gun upright, or you'll be running laps until the day you die," Sergeant Boone boomed, standing in front of Poe and leaning in towards him until their noses were nearly pressed together. He rammed his index finger into Poe's sternum and twisted it before moving to the hand that was holding the pistol. He gripped Poe's fingers and shoved them into the proper position. "If you parachute into a warzone with your gun like that, I can guarantee you'll be dead the moment you hit the ground."/

"--he train me in hurting people. Me and my other soldjahs told to take people from villages and keep them in his house--"

/"Commander, they've got Red! I repeat, they've got Red!" There was static over the headpiece for a moment before Poe's lieutenant, Charlie McMichaels, spoke again. "Oh, Christ, commander, they're taking Red back with them. We got to get him out of there!"

"I'm on it."

Poe was the only one of his unit that was close enough to the tanks to try and get Red, or Private James Morgan, away from his captures. He ran over as slyly as he could and ducked down behind a wall of sandbags, pulling his gun around from over his shoulder until it was in position in his hands.

He was so focused in locking his eyes on the target that he didn't notice anyone sneaking up behind him until the bag was over his eyes./

"--and when they in the house long enough, we told to do anything it took to make them tell the man what he want to hear--"

/"Please, have mercy," Poe pleaded, letting out a cry as the thorny strap of barbed wire ripped through the skin of his back. "Please."

"Tell us what your plans are," one of the gruff masked faces of his captures hissed, lashing the whip out again and dragging the barbs through the shredded skin. Poe let out another cry and fell onto his hands and knees. The man whipped him again before using a heavy, steel-toed boot to push Poe all the way down to the floor. He stepped on the side of Poe's face and ground him down into the packed sand and dirt that made up the floor before spitting on him. "Tell me something before I completely destroy that pretty face of yours."

"I say we do something with that pretty face," another one of the men said, shoving the man's boot out of the way. He grabbed Poe by the hair and yanked him up, pulling at the curls until only Poe's knees and shins were left touching the ground. "Look at me, whore," he demanded, giving Poe's hair another firm tug. "Let me see the pain in your eyes when I cum all over that pretty face."

Poe squeezed his eyes shut tighter, and tried to shake the man's hand away. The grip was too strong, though, and he only succeeded in hurting himself more. He tried to keep his mouth shut, so he didn't have to take what was coming, but the man was smart, and pinched his noise shut until he had no choice but to open his mouth wide. When he did, the man shoved his penis in and began to fuck Poe's throat.

Poe contemplated with himself for several thrusts about if he wanted to take it or not. In the end, he decided that he didn't.

Poe waited until the man's cock was hitting the back of his throat before slamming his jaw shut as quickly as he could, his teeth clenching and holding the rigid member in place. The man let out a groan of pain and reached down to try and yank Poe off. Poe bit harder, and held as strong as he could until the other man decided to intervene by placing a sharp kick to the side of the head. Poe toppled over and tried to move away from the foot that was coming after him, curling into himself and using his hands to protect his head.

The angle of his hands also allowed Poe to get a good grip on the man's ankle when he tried to stomp directly on Poe's cheek. Poe used the momentum of the man pulling his leg back up to get in the proper position to send a well-deserved punch straight into the man's kneecaps./

"Poe! What the hell? Poe, stop!"

Poe's eyes went wide and he shook his head as images of his capture and the torture endured played on a loop. He kept moving his fist, smacking the ground as hard as he could and relishing in the pain that he was feeling in his knuckles. It was sharp enough to make him forget about how scared he felt, how much he had wanted to die, and how much he hated the men who were doing this to him. He punched until he was running low on energy, and the floor was cracking below his knuckles.

"Poe, stop it! You're killing him! Poe!"

One more punch, that's all it would take. One more to make the torture stop, one more to make everything go away--

"POE!"

Poe startled as someone grabbed his hand. He shook for a moment as he took in his surroundings.

When he realized that was he in Finn's apartment, not an Iraqi prison chamber, his heart fell to his stomach. When he felt the ache of his likely-broken knuckles and realized the warm feeling on his hands was blood, he felt like he was going to throw up. When he realized that it had been Finn that he was punching, not the floor, and that he wasn't moving, Poe's world went black.

 

 

17

Poe sat hunched over, his hands on either side of Finn's bloody and quickly-bruising face. He stared down at him with wide eyes, his stomach churning at the long gash that ran along Finn's right cheekbone, the cut deep from the ring that Poe had been wearing. His nose was bent at an angle that was anything but natural, and Poe could already see the bottom of his eyelids swelling.

Poe rocked back and sat on his heels. He raised a hand up to cover his mouth as his stomach revolted again. Around him, Finn's family and his own were yelling things at him, or speaking to him, or yelling at Finn, but to Poe's ears, everything sounded like he was hearing it under water. He couldn't make out any specific words, other than the ones slipping out from behind his hand. "Finn. Finn. Finn."

When Poe felt a hand on his shoulder, he screamed before pushing himself all the way into a standing position and ripping the hand off of him. He could feel tears rushing down his cheeks in streams, and his throat felt like he was breathing in a nest of angry hornets with every strangled gasp that he got. His knuckles were still aching, but it was nothing compared to the deep pain that started in his heart and ripped through his entire soul.

Before Poe knew what he was doing, he had pushed his way through to the front door and had run out into the newly-fallen snow. He grabbed his keys out of his pocket and jumped into his Jeep, ignoring the voices behind him as someone yelled after him to wait, to come back, that everything would be all right. He blinked rapidly, trying to clear his vision enough that he could see the road through his tears.

Somehow, he managed to get back to his apartment without crashing his car. He pulled the keys out of the ignition before the car was even fully in park and shoved them into his pocket. He ran up to his apartment and went inside, going straight to the locked desk drawer that he hadn't so much as /thought/ about since Finn and he had become friends.

Once the gun was in Poe's hands, he started to shake. He knew that in order to do this right, he needed to pump himself full of liquid courage to keep himself from chickening out. He knew what he deserved for doing something so horrible to Finn, for making him suffer when he had been nothing but perfect to Poe over the last few months. He gave the gun the full once-over before shoving it into the waistband of his jeans.

He let out another sob as he made his way to the kitchen, to his liquor cabinet. BB-8 tried to jump on him and lick him, but Poe pushed him away. He didn't need any distractions right now. He needed to find his strongest alcohol and get somewhere where no one could find him before Kes and Kimberlee came looking. He knew that Finn's family probably couldn't care less about Poe anymore, and with what he did to Finn, he knew that he deserved every shred of anger and hatred that they sent his way.

Poe squeezed his eyes shut and tried to stop thinking about the way that the shattered shards of his heart were stabbing his lungs and made him feel like he was suffocating. He tried to stop wishing that everything was different, that Finn and he had met before Poe ever entered the military. He tried to stop the desperation and loneliness coursing through his veins at the realization that he was never, ever going to see Finn again.

Poe grabbed the fullest bottles out of his liquor cabinet and stuffed them in a bag. He kept his whiskey out and took a hefty gulp before throwing the bag over his shoulder and going back down to his car. He got in and turned on the engine before removing the cap from the bottle again and downing another few mouthfuls. It burned his throat, but he didn't care. He could light his insides on fire, and he was sure that it would feel better than drowning in agony did.

Once he was drunk enough, and once he found a good enough spot, everything would be over. He tried to keep up this mantra on a loop in his head, using it to block out every touch and every moment spent with Finn. No one would be looking for him, he had time to memorize his verse.

Two hours more, at most, and everything would be over.

*

The first thing Finn noticed when he woke up was the tense silence that filled the room. The air was still, and he could hear the sound of his own heart beating in his ears. The second thing that he noticed, when he finally managed to open his eyes (a task that was much easier said than done), was the looks of pity, fear, and anger showing on the faces of the people he held the most dear . . . which led to realization number three. Poe was missing.

"Where's Poe?" Finn asked, letting out a groan as he tried to sit up. His head immediately began to pound, and his vision started to blur, though, so it was only a matter of seconds before he was lying back down.

No one answered Finn's question. Rey did, however, let go of her iron-like grip on Jessika's hand and slid down off the couch to put a hand on Finn's forehead. "How are you feeling?" She tried to smile at him, but the anger in her eyes turned the attempt into a grimace.

Finn began to feel sick, and not just from the pain in his head. "Rey, where's Poe?" She didn't answer. "Rey, tell me. Please."

Rey still didn't answer. She bit down on her lip and turned to look at Kes, who sighed before standing up. "I guess I better be the one to talk about this with you, then, seeing as everyone else already knows the full story. We'll clean up your face, too, while we're at it." He walked over and squatted down, hooking his hands under Finn's armpits so that he could pull him up.

Once Finn was standing, Kes wrapped an arm around his waist, and helped him hobble into the bathroom. When Finn saw himself, though, he nearly fell to the floor again.

He knew that his face felt sore, but nothing could have prepared him for the swollen, purple globs of flesh that used to be his cheeks, and at the strange angle the bridge of his nose was bending at. Two of his teeth were missing out of the top of his mouth, and there was still fresh blood coming from a cut on his cheek.

"What happened?" he breathed, leaning towards the mirror and pressing his fingers against the worst of the swelling.

Kes sighed and pulled on Finn's hand to get him to turn. Finn leaned back against the counter, and Kes opened the medicine cabinet next to the sink. He pulled out a washcloth, some Neosporin, and a few different sized bandages. He put everything on the sink before turning the water to hot and setting to work.

Finn flinched when Kes scraped the rough cloth over the cut on his cheek. "Sorry," Kes muttered, rinsing the blood out of the fabric and getting it wet again. "I know this hurts but it's the only way to keep it from getting infected."

Finn grit his teeth and let Kes work, even though the frayed loops in the washcloth made it feel like the older man was cleaning his face with sandpaper rather than an old rag. Once it was clean, Kes applied the ointment on top, and that fortunately was enough to drop the cutting feeling down to the feeling of being stung by hundreds of bees.

Once Kes had moved onto the rest of his face, Finn reached up and stopped his hand. He stared into Kes's eyes with determination as he said, "Kes, tell me where Poe is. I have no idea what's going on, and it's pissing me off."

Kes sighed and looked down at the floor before lifting his eyes to meet Finn's. "Son, what do you know about PTSD?"

Finn shrugged. "Not much, I guess. Why?"

"Well . . . It's what caused that." He gestured to the worst of the damage to Finn's face. "A lot of veterans have certain things that trigger memories for them, and a lot of veterans react to those things in different ways. When your brother started talking about the things he had to do in Somalia . . . Poe did that."

Finn's eyes widened in shock, and he was immediately filled with anger. His anger, however, wasn't directed at Poe. It was directed at the people who hurt Poe so badly that just the mere mention of similar hardships sent him off the deep end, and made him feel like he had to protect himself.

Kes must have felt Finn's anger, because he took a step back before holding his hands up in front of himself. "I understand if you're upset with my son for hurting you, but--"

"I'm not mad at Poe." Finn straightened up and tossed the bloody rag that Kes was using into the sink. He crossed his arms and stood tall, using his height in an effort to seem more intimidating in case he needed to go and talk to someone in Poe's defense. "I want to kill those sons of bitches that hurt him."

Kes's face softened, and he reached out to touch Finn again. "I know you do, and I know you love my boy very much--"

"Damn right I do."

"--and that's why you need to talk to him about what happened and tell him that you forgive him." He looked back down at the floor, and he pulled his hands back to shove them in his pockets. "You should have seen Poe's face when he realized what he had done . . . He was crushed. I know that Poe hasn't treated your relationship correctly, son, but just know that he loves you just as much as you love him."

Finn clenched his jaw and nodded, although the he wasn't sure he believed it. The way Poe had been acting lately didn't feel anything like love, and if a relationship was something that he desired, he sure as hell wasn't showing it.

"Where is he?" he asked, pushing away the thoughts of Poe's lack of love in favor of focusing on what was important.

Kes shook his head. "That, I don't know. Once he came back into himself, he saw what he had done to you, he ran out. None of us have heard from him since."

"When was that?"

Here, Kes looked sheepish. "Two hours ago."

Finn's eyes widened before he shut them tightly, the movement straining the swollen flesh. "And you haven't gone to look for him?!"

"Poe's always been like this, when something's wrong he wants to be alone--"

"But when he's like this? Kes, he could seriously hurt himself!" Finn pushed Kes out of his way before running into the living room. He looked past all of his family members and Poe's sister for his phone, which was sitting on the end table next to Rey and Jessika. Finn sprinted over to pick it up before grabbing his coat and going out the door.

Fortunately, Finn's car keys were in his pocket, so he was able to jump in without having to go back into the house. He flipped the ignition on and started driving. He didn't know where to go first, but he prayed that Poe's apartment would give him some sort of clues.

There was no doubt in Finn's mind that Kes and Kimberlee would be close behind now that Finn had bolted from the house, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. If they found Poe first, then so be it. They would tell him where Poe was, and Finn would go to him that way. The same was true if Finn found him first. Either way, Finn would find him, tell him that they would figure everything out, and things would be fine.

When he got to the apartment, however, all of the hope that Finn had started to gain about everything being all right dissipated almost immediately. The front door was unlocked, BB-8 was nowhere to be found, the place looked like it had been ransacked, and worst of all, when Finn went into Poe's office, the desk drawer containing Poe's pistol was empty.

"Oh no," Finn whispered, his heart racing and his palms beginning to sweat. Kes had said that Poe suffered from PTSD, and if the statistics were right . . . Finn needed to find Poe /now/.

Finn pulled his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it, going to his favorites list and hitting Poe's number. "Come on, come on," he muttered, desperately praying that he wasn't too late and that Poe was still around to answer.

The line rang and rang before it went to voicemail. Finn's heart sank, and he stared at his phone for a minute before trying another time. Once again, it went to voicemail.

Finn pulled his phone away from his ear and bit his lip. He watched the phone as it faded to black before clicking it back on. His background image was a favorite of his. Poe and he had having a picnic at a park that they had frequented. Finn had been trying to inconspicuously take a picture of Poe under the premise of it being a selfie, but Poe had decided to jump in at the last minute with one of those charming smiles of his. Even without picture-Finn looking at Poe in the picture, it was obvious how in love Finn was, and Poe looked just as happy as he did.

Finn sat up. Of course that's where Poe would have gone! It was their favorite place to go whenever they had nothing else to do. He ran down to the car and jumped in, trying to remember exactly how to get there from Poe's house. He thought he knew the streets, but at night in the snow . . . He needed luck on his side.

As he had it, as he turned into the first street, his phone began to ring. He looked over and, when he saw that it was Poe calling, felt a huge wave of relief wash over him. That meant that he had time left to find him. He wasn't too late, and Poe hadn't already tasted the inside of his gun. He scrambled to pick it up, swerving his car and nearly hitting a mailbox in the process.

"Hello?"

"H-hey Finn," Poe slurred, the two words coming out as one long one.

"Where the hell are you, man? What's going on?"

For a moment, the line was silent before Finn heard the unmistakable sounds of Poe drinking more, hiccuping, and sobbing. Finn tried to say something, to try and tell Poe to /stop/, but his voice was frozen in his throat. Poe didn't seem to care, though, too trapped in his own world to notice anything else.

"I love you, Finn," he hiccuped before taking another audible gulp of whatever he was drinking. "I really do. M'sorry I never act-actually went on a date with you--" hic "--and that I never told you how won'ful your ass is. It's a really nice ass. I'm goin' to miss that ass."

Finn tried to calm down his manic driving and focus solely on getting to Poe. Listening to him speak, though, only succeeded to make him more nervous and more afraid of being late. He did, however, find his voice. "Why are you going to miss it, Poe? You're not going anywhere. You're going to stay here, with me, and tomorrow when you're feeling better, we'll talk about us. Please, Poe, tell me where you are so I can come find you."

Poe ignored what Finn said and continued on with his tangent. "I'm goin' to miss your smile, too. And how happy I am when we are alone watching movies or just hanging out. I never told you but hangin' out with you saved my life. That night we met, I was going to kill myself. Shame you aren't here with me to stop me now." He let out a dark chuckle before taking another loud gulp. He must have taken too big of one, though, because he let out a sputtering cough a moment later.

"Poe, stop, tell me where you are--"

"And I'm sorry that I hurt you." He was starting to cry again. Finn could tell by the way his voice hitched. "I swear, Finn, I would nev'r do something like that to you on purpose. I love you, I don't wanna hurt you."

Poe's voice was becoming more difficult to understand. In-between the hiccuping and the sobbing, only about half of the sounds that he made resembled words. "Things---without me. Tell my dad and Kimberlee---them.---BB-8."

"Poe, I can't understand what you're saying. You need to slow down, tell me where you are, and wait for me to come get you. Just hold on, baby, and I'll be there soon--"

"Goodbye, Finn."

"No, wait, Poe, hold on--dammit!" Finn threw his phone onto the passenger seat and ran a hand through his hair, pressing down harder on the peddle and trying to ignore the lack of traction between his tires and the ground. He had to get to that park, and he had to get their /now/.

Fortunately, Finn was less than a block away when Poe hung up the phone. He swerved into the parking lot and into a spot, desperately hoping that this was the right place. He didn't know what he would do if it wasn't.

Finn had barely opened his car door when he heard the gun shot go off.

 

18  
"POE!" Finn jumped the rest of the way out of the car and sprinted in the direction that he heard the shot come from. His feet were slipping on the ice and snow, but he wouldn't have slowed down even if he was running into Hell itself. All that mattered was that he got to Poe and that he did whatever it took to keep him alive.

"Poe!" he called out again, his heart in his throat and his voice breaking. He tried to do his best not to panic, but every thought and theory that he had pointed in the direction of something being horribly wrong. He swung his head around wildly, trying to scan all of his surroundings at once. The lack of daylight made seeing anything other than general shapes a challenge, but there was enough lamps for Finn to at least see the path. He had a destination in mind, too, so he was nearly positive that he would find his way.

Finn felt even more confident when he heard the unmistakable sound of someone sobbing. "Poe? Is that you?"

There was no response, but Finn slipped and skidded across the pavement until he saw a trembling figure hunched over on a bench, their head in their hands and wearing nothing but a tee shirt and a pair of pants. Behind him, a bullet, lodged in the bark of a tree, shined under the street lamps. "Poe!"

The figure looked up and stared in Finn's direction before standing up and bolting the other way. The person was clearly intoxicated, at least judging by the way that they bobbed and weaved along a straight path. Their inability to walk made it easy for Finn to catch up and grab the stranger by the arm and pull them to a stop.

It was Poe.

His eyes were wide and had a feral look to them. His arms were bright red from the cold, and were covered with cuts from where Poe had scratched through the top layer of skin in an attempt to calm down. In the hand that Finn was holding, he was holding a nearly-empty bottle of vodka, and in his other, he had his gun. He stared at Finn for a second before moving his arm up and down, trying to break it from Finn's grasp. When he wasn't able to, he hesitated for a moment before spinning as hard as he could. Surprisingly, it twisted Finn's wrist enough to make him reflectively let go.

Poe used the opportunity to move away. He dropped the vodka bottle, flinching as a piece of glass bounced up and lodged itself in his calf. Finn tried to step towards him, but Poe held his now-free hand out in front of him and raised the gun to his temple, fresh tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Let me do it, Finn, please. It'll be best for you," he pleaded, stepping back and moving his finger to the trigger.

Finn let out an unintentional whimper and stepped back, holding his hands up defensively. "Poe, don't do this. I don't want you to die. I want you to come home with me so we can talk about this. Baby, please."

Poe shook his head. "No. I'm out of control, Finn. Fuck, jus' look at you!" He waved his hand in Finn's general direction before letting out a broken sob and moving his hand to scrub at his face. "I almost killed you tonight. I would 'ave, if my sister ha'nt stopped me."

He took another step back and looked away from Finn, taking a deep sniff. His shoulders were starting to tremble greatly, and his cries were getting louder the longer that he stood in front of Finn.

Finn took a tentative step forward in hopes that Poe wouldn't notice. When he stepped through a patch of snow and broke a twig, however, Poe's gaze shot back to him. He readjusted the gun so it was back in place against the side of his head. He straightened his back and squared his jaw, rolling his shoulders back until he was in almost perfect military posture.

Finn did the best he could to force the tears away. He fought to keep his voice steady as he said, "Poe, I love you. Put the gun down, and we will get through this together. I understand why you don't want to be in a relationship right now, I really do. Please, Poe. I need you."

Poe scoffed. "No you don't. You don't need a fucked-up ex-soldier bringin' you down."

Finn edged his feet forward, moving as slowly as he could in hopes that Poe's alcohol-addled brain wouldn't notice the subtle movements. Fortunately, it seemed that it didn't. "Poe, you /never/ bring me down. You make me happier than I've ever been, and there's so much left that I want to do with you. Please, put the gun down and let me come to you."

Poe shook his head and took another step back. "What if I 'ave another flashback like I did tonight? Your face is al'dry bruised and swollen after only a few minutes of me freakin' out, what if it lasts longer than that? Finn, I could kill you withou' realizing it!"

"I can protect myself! The only reason I didn't tonight was because you caught me off guard, and I was the closest person to you!"

"Well what if it's at night, six months from now, or a year from now, and we are alone? What if you're asleep? What if /I'm/ asleep? How do you think I'd feel waking up and seeing you dead beside me?"

"How do you think /I'll/ feel knowing that I watched the guy I'm completely in love with kill himself and did nothing to stop it? Fuck, Poe, I don't know what I'll do if I have to watch you shoot yourself. Don't you think that it'll break my heart to see that?"

"But what if--"

"Goddammit, Poe, I don't care if you hurt me during a flashback or whatever! It's part of who you are. I want all of you, Poe, the good, the bad, and the ugly. That's what I mean when I say /I fucking love you/."

Finn barely had time to finish what he was saying when Poe tossed the gun to the side and ran the distance between them, slipping on a patch of ice and launching himself into Finn's arms. He was sobbing hard enough to shake both of their bodies, and was drenching Finn's shoulder with his tears.

Finn wrapped an arm around the older man's torso and held him close, kissing the spot where the gun was before cradling the back of his neck gently. He tucked Poe's face more securely into the neck of his coat so he was a little bit warmer before remembering that Poe was only in a tee shirt, and it was well below freezing outside. All the alcohol that the man had drunk was likely the only reason why he wasn't shivering as violently as he should have been.

Finn gave him another kiss before pulling back. Poe let out a whimper and tried to hold on, but he was finally starting to succumb to the overpowering effect of his emotions, so he did scarcely more than tangle his fingers into Finn's sleeves. Finn moved his own hands up to Poe's before pulling them away. "C'mon, let's get you back to my apartment. I'm sure your Dad and Kimberlee will want to know that you're okay."

Poe let out a grunt in response before stepping forward to lean against Finn's chest again. He yawned and tried to lean his head on Finn's shoulder, but Finn was too quick and managed to spin them around in the direction of the car. Poe's stumbling got worse, and worse, and worse, until Finn finally just had to wrap one arm around his back and hoist the man up over his shoulders. Poe let out a single groan of protest before falling fast asleep.

It took Finn a while to get to his car, but by the time that he had, the terrified tears that had been running down his face had stopped and come back again as tears of joy. He tried to think about different situations throughout his life, but he couldn't think of /any/ time that he felt such intense fear, love, or happiness.

Finn adjusted his stance so that Poe wouldn't fall before opening the passenger door and sliding the sleeping man into the front seat. He took care to buckle him in, and even found the blanket that he kept in the trunk for emergencies to try and warm him up. When he got into the driver seat, he turned on the car and blasted the heat as high as it could go. Poe shivered slightly in his sleep before letting out a happy sigh and snuggling down into the worn flannel of the blanket.

This time around, Finn was much more mindful of his driving than he was when he was trying to get to the park. He reached over across the center console and linked their hands. He ran his thumb over the top of Poe's as he drove, his heart and mind slowly sinking into contentment and euphoria the further away from Poe's gun that they got.

Ten minutes later, Finn pulled into his parking spot. Poe was still sound asleep when Finn shut the car off, so Finn went around to the passenger side again to scoop Poe into his arms, this time carrying him bridal style. He went down the steps to his apartment and kicked the door a few times, trying to get someone's attention without having to put Poe down.

It was only a few seconds before the door was opened so forcefully that it was nearly ripped off its hinges. It was Kimberlee, her eyes wide and rimmed with red. When she saw that Finn was holding Poe, and that he was alive, she covered her mouth with one of her hands and let out a sob before holding the door open the rest of the way, turning to look towards the kitchen, and yelling for her father.

Kes ran into the living room with Luke close behind. When he saw his son, he, too, began to cry. He rushed over to Finn and helped him get Poe to Finn's room before following him out to the living room and collapsing bonelessly down to the couch. Finn couldn't help but do the same.

*

Three hours later, Poe was still asleep, Kes and Kimberlee had agreed to go back to Poe's apartment to straighten things up (although they made Finn promise to call them first thing in the morning so that they could come back over, or take Poe home), Rey and Jessika had returned from searching the city and had gone to bed, and Luke had made beds for Malako and Anuba on the couch and the floor, respectively, out of the miscellaneous throw pillows and blankets that Rey had purchased for Jessika's homecoming.

Finn had just finished throwing away the spoiled dinner that Jessika and Rey had worked so hard on when he heard a knock on the doorframe in-between the living room and the kitchen. He turned to see Luke standing there with a nervous look on his face, his brows tilted down at the edges and the corners of his lips tight.

Finn put down the container of mashed potatoes that he was rinsing out. "Hey, Dad," he said, grabbing a dish towel from next to the sink and laying it down before flipping the dish upside down onto it. "Did you need something?"

Luke shrugged and shook his head before making his way over to the table. He pulled out a chair and sat down before looking back at Finn. "I just wanted to sit and talk with you for a little bit, if that's all right."

Finn looked at his father warily for a moment before nodding. "Sure, that's fine with me. Do you want some hot chocolate or something?"

"Hot chocolate would be nice."

"All right." Finn went over to the refrigerator and got out his milk before going to the pantry to get everything else. He mixed the ingredients in a pair of mugs and popped them in the microwave before turning around to face Luke. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I just wanted to apologize for acting irrationally when you told me that you had quit your job. You're an adult, and if you hated your job that much, then I shouldn't have tried to stop you from quitting. So, I'm sorry." He grimaced before continuing. "I'm also sorry I sprung Malako and Anuba's placement on you two so suddenly. I realize now that that wasn't fair, but I honestly thought it would be a nice surprise. I thought you guys would be excited."

A wave of guilt swept through Finn's stomach. He never should have thought that Luke was trying to replace him or trying to raise a better kid. He should have known his father and his lion heart better than that. "I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have gotten so offended, and I really do understand what you were trying to say about working at First Order. However, even though I understand, I still think that I made the right decision for me."

Luke nodded, and didn't say anything else on the subject. He hesitated before asking, "So . . . Are you and Poe something serious? I think I remember you mentioning him, but I hadn't heard anything from you /or/ from Rey."

This time, it was Finn doing the hesitating. Were he and Poe moving in the direction of officially being serious? He desperately hoped so, but seeing the way that Poe had reacted to everything tonight made Finn understand a whole lot better about why Poe had been so nervous about the possibility of dating him, and why he had said that they needed some space away from one another. Poe had said that he loved him too, though, so maybe they could make it work.

Finn told his father as much before getting up to grab the hot chocolates from the microwave. He stirred them with candy canes that he had had hidden up in one of the cabinets to be used for precisely this reason before yawning widely, his entire body suddenly sagging forward as he was hit with exhaustion. He nearly dropped the mugs, but Luke was smart enough to jump up and take them from Finn before they had the opportunity to fall.

"Whoa there, son, maybe you ought to be getting to bed. I should probably get Anuba and Malako home, too." He set the mugs on the counter before putting a hand on Finn's back. "Do you need anything else before I go?"

"No. Merry Christmas, Dad."

"Merry Christmas, son."

Finn gave his dad a quick hug before making his way through the living room and back into his bedroom. He took care not to knock anything over, or to accidentally wake Poe up before changing clothes and slipping into bed beside him. He reached out and wrapped his arms around Poe's waist, pressing his front against Poe's back.

"I love you," he whispered, nuzzling his nose into the fine hairs at the base of Poe's neck. He breathed in the smell of Poe, and tightened his arms so that the air could scarcely fit between them.

Finn was asleep within minutes.

 

19

Morning had been an interesting time.

Poe had opened his eyes for less than a second before he slammed them shut again, the light making his eyes feel like they were being stung by yellow jackets. His head was throbbing, and his mouth felt like it was made up entirely of cotton. There was a heavy weight resting on his left side, which, for a moment, sent a wave of panic through him that he had been captured and just didn't realize it. When he looked over his shoulder and saw Finn sleeping, however, and noticed all the bruises littering his cheeks and beneath his eyes, everything came back to Poe in a rush.

For the first time, Poe could remember exactly what he was feeling after a flashback. Normally he would wake up a few hours later and be unsure of where he was or what was going on, but this time . . . he remembered everything. He remembered the unexpected arrival of Finn's siblings, of listening to the boy's story, for beating Finn, and, the scariest part of all, trying to commit suicide.

Poe knew that his PTSD and depression were bad, but he really thought that he was getting better. It had been weeks since he had had a nightmare, and he had legitimately been feeling happy the majority of the time. Part of that probably had something to do with the depression medication that Dr. Valerian had directed him to each and every day with breakfast, as well as the anxiety pills he was taking when he felt overwhelmed. He hadn't even so much as /looked/ at his gun since Finn and he had started hanging out all the time. He couldn't believe that he had nearly gone all the way.

Poe adjusted his position so that he was facing Finn. He studied the way that the light hit his good spots, and the way that the shadows made the deepest cuts and darkest bruises appear inches deep.

That was another thing that Poe couldn't believe that he had done. He may not have admitted his feelings for Finn to anyone but himself, but he knew himself well enough to know that he would never internationally hurt someone who he cared about as much as he cared about Finn. Hell, he would never hurt someone who he cared about /half/ as much as he cared for Finn.

Poe stared at Finn for a second longer before leaning forward and gently kissing him on the cheek, directly below the cut that Poe's ring had made. He lifted a hand and rubbed his thumb against the opposite cheek. "I love you," he whispered, his heart filling with affection as he said the words for the first time out loud (when he was sober, at least).

Finn didn't stir in the slightest at Poe's words and gentle touches, so Poe wasn't surprised at all that he didn't wake up when Poe eased out from under him and got out of bed. He had no idea what time it was, or if anyone else was up, but two things were for certain: one, he had to piss like a racehorse, and two, he was starving.

Poe went into the bathroom and took care of business before wandering down the hallway towards the kitchen. He glanced at the digital clock on the stove to see what time it was (3:47 a.m.) as well as the fridge to see what there was left to eat. There wasn't much in terms of actual food, but there was a large container of cookie dough that someone had clearly been taking spoonfuls out of. He contemplated whether or not he should eat it before deciding that it didn't matter, he had already ruined Finn and Rey's Christmas, so it didn't matter one way or another if he did one more thing to piss them off.

Thinking of Christmas reminded Poe that his presents for Rey and Finn were still in his Jeep which, if he remembered correctly, he had left parked in some neighborhood next to a house with a creepy statue of an some lady sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch. He couldn't remember /where/ the neighborhood was, exactly, but he remembered that he had been able to walk to the park in a relatively short period of time, so it couldn't be too far away. For now, he wasn't too concerned, but he knew that he would be once the hangover finally went away.

Poe set the cookie dough on the counter before going into the cabinet above the sink, where Finn and Rey kept all of their medications. He pulled down the bottle of acetaminophen and popped the cap off. He took two of the pills with a handful of water from the sink, grimacing as some of the coating from the pills hit his tastebuds.

Once the pills were down, Poe grabbed the bowl of cookie dough and took it into the living room. He grabbed the heated blanket from the end of the couch and turned it up all the way. He wrapped himself in it and lied down, grabbing the remote from off the coffee table and flipping through the channels until he found something that looked even remotely interesting to watch.

*

Three episodes later, Poe was quickly realizing how much he /hated/ the Kardashian family, and how ungodly dull their life was to him. All it was, was drama, drama, drama, with a little bit of added drama to the side just for dramatic effect. It made his stomach boil, and gave the nearly-gone cookie dough a sour taste in his mouth.

. . . then again, that could have been the hangover talking.

After yet /another/ argument between Kim and Khloe, or Kourtney, or whoever this or was, Poe decided that he just couldn't watch another minute of /this/. He turned the television off and rolled onto his back to stare blankly at the ceiling.

*

Nearly an hour went by with Poe in this position. He was completely lost in his own thoughts, thinking about how exactly he was going to explain to Finn the things that he had gone through when he was overseas. He knew that he was going to be honest, but there was a definite difference in honesty with a fellow serviceman or woman and being honest with a civilian. He didn't doubt that Finn would understand, but Finn was already traumatized enough by nearly watching Poe commit suicide without having to listen to the tortures that Poe was reliving in his head day in and day out.

He jumped when another person clambered into the living room, tripping over one of the end tables and knocking a lamp over. It crashed to the floor and shattered the bulb.

The sound of someone groaning alerted Poe that whoever had walked in was female, and judging by the way that she was walking, she had a nearly perfect posture. That was enough to alert Poe that this had to be Jessika.

He sat up to look at the intruder and, sure enough, it was Jessika. "Good morning," he said, adjusting his position on the couch so that she could sit down with him if she wanted to.

Jessika gave him a smile and walked over to sit by him. She pulled her legs up under herself and grabbing a corner of the blanket Poe was using. She put the cover over her pink flannel pajama pants before turning to the television set, which Poe had apparently turned back on while he was zoning out. She snorted when she saw what was on. "I didn't see you as a /Keeping Up with the Kardashians/ guy, personally."

Poe rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything. He passed Jessika the remote and let her choose the next show that they watched. He zoned back out for a few minutes before he realized something that he had never thought about before. Jessika was in the military, too, and while she had never been sent to Iraq, Rey had said that she had been on two tours to Afghanistan. If anyone would understand his concerns with talking about things with Finn, it would be her. It was probably why she was awake, too; Poe knew that when he first came back, it took several weeks for him to get used to waking up at non-military hour.

He waited for a commercial break before trying to get her attention. "Hey . . . Jessika?" he started, his palms beginning to sweat and his forehead starting to feel clammy.

Jessika glanced over. "Yeah?"

"Can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course you can." She grabbed the remote and switched the tv off before turning to face him. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Have you and Rey . . . you know, talked about what things were like for you when you were in Afghanistan?"

Jessika screwed her lips up to the side before nodding slowly. "Yeah, we have, but not really in detail. I mean, she knows that I was . . . " she winced and swallowed hard, " . . . I was raped by one of my fellow officers, but she doesn't know any details about that other than just the bare minimum. She knows what things were like for me over there, or at least what I told her in my letters back home, but she and I agreed early on in our relationship that that was the kind of thing that would be a need-to-know basis until enough time has passed that I can talk about it easily."

Poe nodded. That strategy made sense, and he could see Finn and him using that same strategy for their relationship. Finn had been completely understanding, so far at least, about everything that Poe had been feeling and had wanted to talk about with his past, and he had never asked any questions that went beyond what branch of the military he was in and what job he had done. This, though, was something that was at a whole new level.

Poe thought about how he was going to phrase his question for a moment before asking, "How did you tell Rey about happened to you? Like, how did you approach it?"

This time, it was Jessika who was the quiet one. She bit down on her lower lip and seemed to be formulating the way that she answered. "Well, I had an episode kind of like you did last night. Or at least I'm assuming that was a flashback?" She paused to look at Poe. When he nodded, she continued. "It was during one of the times when Rey was visiting me. We were watching the news, and they were doing video-interview-things with soldiers who were overseas, and the guy who . . . well, you know, was one of the interviewees, and I just completely lost it. I had destroyed half of my apartment by the time that I came to. Rey was crouched down in the corner with a pillow over her head, she was so afraid of me. I told her everything that night."

Jessika reached over and put a hand on Poe's thigh. "Poe, all I know about you is what Finn and Rey have told me, but I'd like to think that we have some kind of a bond from our similar past experiences. I know that you didn't hurt Finn on purpose. Rey and Finn know that, too. So whatever you're nervous about saying, about talking to Finn about? I promise you that it won't change anything about how he feels about you. He really loves you."

"I love him, too," Poe admitted softly. "I know I've acted like a dick, but I really do."

"I know you do." Jessika gave Poe an encouraging smile before removing her hand from his thigh. She stifled a yawn and pushed the blanket off her legs, standing up and stretching her arms up and back until her back popped. She made a satisfied sound and straightened her body back out, looking down at Poe and giving him a wink. "I'm going to go lay back down with my beautiful fiancée until the sun comes out. I recommend that you do the same. See you in the morning, Poe."

"See ya."

Poe watched Jessika leave the room before dropping his gaze down to the floor. Part of him wished that his conversation with Jessika had gone on longer, but he could see why she left the room as soon as the conversation hit a stopping point. He, himself, was still having trouble even thinking about his time in the service five months out, so he knew that she had to be going through a really rough time fresh out of the service.

He flopped back down onto the couch, his mind once again whirring with thoughts about all the different possible outcomes that could happen when he told Finn. Finn could want to never see him again. He could think that he was a murderer, and blame him for all the deaths of his comrades. Or Finn could understand that he did the best that he could, and he thought that he was doing what was right, at the time.

Poe let out a groan and covered his eyes with his hands. He really didn't walk to talk about any of this. He knew that he always had the option not to, but he was starting to realize that he really wanted this relationship to work, and in order for that to happen he at least needed to give Finn a heads up in case there was ever a repeat of last night.

Before that happened, however, Poe wanted just a few more minutes of peace between Finn and him. He got up off the couch and went back into the bedroom. Finn was still fast asleep, but he had moved the pillow that Poe had been using to the front of his body, his nose buried in the exact spot where Poe's head had been. It made Poe smile, but in a way, it also made him sad and worried. He had never had anyone love him the way that Finn did, and he had almost completely ruined everything before they even had a chance to try.

Poe tiptoed across the room and climbed as gently as he could back into bed. He moved the pillow so that it was far enough to the side that Poe could slip into the vacant space. He held as his breath as he made the movement, desperately hoping that Finn would continue to sleep for just a little bit longer so that Poe could have the experience of the other man holding him once again.

Fortunately, it seemed that he was too deeply involved with his sleep to be so easily roused, so Poe was able to wrap himself up tightly in Finn's arms and hoist the covers up over his waist without even the slightest blip in Finn's breathing. He felt the breath hitting the back of his neck, and he quickly warmed up in the chilly room.

Finn must have sensed presence pretty quickly, though, because he threw a leg over Poe's and tangled their feet together. He let out a contented noise and snuggled closer, his nose nuzzling straight into the base of Poe's curls.

Poe was loathe to admit it, but he had never felt more in love than in that very moment, and as he fell asleep, he decided that he wanted to spend the rest of his life here, in Finn's arms.

 

20

By the time that Finn had woken up, several hours had gone by since Poe had crawled back into bed. Finn had, actually, woken up the moment that he felt the other man’s presence next to him, but he could tell that Poe desperately wanted him to stay asleep (at least judging by the gentle, almost-hesitant movements that the man had been making), so he pretended he was still asleep. He had fallen back to sleep almost as quickly as Poe had, though, so his brief awakening barely mattered.

When Finn woke up for the day, however, he was shocked to see that Poe was still fast asleep, his face buried in his pillow and the sound of his snores echoing around the room. He must have gotten hot in his sleep, as he had stripped down to only his boxers and his socks, although goosebumps began to spiral out across his flesh the moment that Finn pulled completely away.

Poe had shivered when the blankets had slipped off of him, so Finn took care to make sure that his back and his shoulders were covered up again before he left the room. He went down the hall to the kitchen, his stomach growling urgently as he opened up the cabinets and scoured the shelves for something to eat.

He didn’t find much other than a chewy granola bar, but he was hungry enough that it could  have been an old gym sock and he still would have eaten it, so long as he could get it down. He grabbed a grape soda out of the refrigerator and went back to his room, where he pulled his laptop out from under the night table and sat down on the floor to browse Facebook while he ate. 

Before he knew it, forty-five minutes had gone by without even a cough from Poe. Finn was starting to get a little worried, so he climbed back into bed behind Poe and put his hand in front of Poe's mouth, making sure that there were still easy breaths coming out.

Unfortunately, while Poe /was/ still breathing, the way that Finn moved must have triggered another flashback, because before he knew what hit him, his nose was throbbing again and he was on the floor.

Poe stared at him with an agape mouth, his eyes wide and apologetic as he took in the sight of the man in front of him. "I'm so sorry," he said, getting down and helping Finn back up onto the bed. His lashes were beginning to shine with tears, and he was obviously incredibly upset that he had hurt Finn again.

Finn tried to ease his fears by reaching down to interlace their fingers and pulling him into a gentle hug. Poe's tears began to fall, soaking the shoulder of Finn's shirt once again, but Finn couldn't find himself to care.

Twenty minutes or so went by afore Poe had managed to calm down enough to speak. Finn simply held him and stroked his hair, content to wait for Poe to be all right before asking any questions. Once it seemed that Poe wouldn't break down again, he asked, "So . . . what exactly happened last night?"

Poe hid his face in the side of Finn's neck. He seemed to be formulating his answer, as he stayed quiet for several minutes and Finn could /feel/ the clenching of his jaw as he said, "Finn, I'll tell you, but I need you to promise me that you won't think any differently of me once you know. It has to do with my time in the Air Force."

Finn nodded. He knew that much already, and like Kes had said, whatever memory caused Poe to lash out and attack him like that had been triggered by something that Malako had said. "I promise that nothing you say will make me think any differently of you."

He felt a little silly repeating Poe's request word for word, but he knew that was what Poe needed. It gave him the courage to continue. He tightened his grip on Finn's hand, but he pulled his face away from Finn's neck so that he could speak more clearly. "Last night . . . That was bad, but it wasn't anywhere close to where some of the worst flashbacks have gotten me. When I was in Iraq . . . I was out on a covert mission, and I got captured. I was kept in an underground jail cell for six weeks, but it felt like /so/ much longer. I was raped, I was beaten, and I was starved out more times than I could count. When your brother started talking about the things that he had been trained to do . . . something in me just snapped, and I attacked you." He gripped Finn's hands harder, and adjusted their positions so that their eyes locked. "Finn, I can't even begin to explain how bad I feel about all of this. I really never meant to hurt you."

"I know you didn't. Look, Poe--"

Poe held a finger up to Finn's lips. Finn went silent, but he really did not want to. He wanted to tell him that it was okay, if he was uncomfortable with telling him what happened that he didn't have to, he could keep it to himself, and nothing would change. He wanted to tell him that he loved him no matter what, and that no matter Poe had to do when he was in war zones, there was a reason that he had survived all of it and had made it back stateside.

Finn wasn't able to say any of that, however, and as soon as Poe removed his finger, he started to speak again. "A lot of my--" he hesitated and swallowed audibly, the skin around his lips pinching tightly and his bad eye starting to twitch, "--my PTSD has to do with being captured and with the things that I saw over there, but the most severe of the reactions . . . they aren't from that."

Poe let go of Finn's hands and turned to put his legs over the side of the bed and his feet on the floor. He leaned forward and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. Finn put a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him, but Poe shrugged him off and scooted a few inches away.

He took another deep breath before continuing. "The day I lost the vision in my right eye . . . I was with the rest of my unit, and I was in charge of all of the men and women below me. /My/ commander, Major Dave Lewis, commanded that I take my company in the dead of night to go and search an abandoned bar that had been rumored to be the meeting place for several ISIS leaders. We weren't supposed to let anyone outside of our unit know what we were doing. A few of my men thought that it sounded fishy, but I idolized Major Lewis, and I didn't think that it was possible that he could do anything that was potentially more dangerous than anything else that we had signed up for. I never thought that he'd do anything to hurt us."

He scoffed and rubbed at his eyes, but Finn could see that tears were already making their way down his cheeks. Finn resisted reaching out again. "One of my men, Lt. Temmin Wexley, he knew that something was wrong right from the start. He kept trying to convince me that we should ignore Major Lewis's orders and stay as far away from the restaurant as possible. I got pissed that anyone would even /consider/ defying orders like that, and I told Wexley that he could either come with our company and do our damn jobs, or he could be shipped back to the States on the next flight out with a dishonorable discharge mark on his back. Wexley was furious with me, but he did what I asked, sucked it up, and was in the very front of the pack when we stormed the place.

"At first, everything seemed fine, but then Major Lewis came out from the basement with some man that none of us had ever seen before. I thought he was just a local, perhaps someone that Major Lewis had gotten to come around to help our side--but I was wrong. I was /very/ wrong."

He hung his head and crossed his arms, his fingernails digging into his biceps as he rocked back and forth on the bed. "Somewhere along the line, Major Lewis switched what side he was fighting for, and the man that he ha brought was a strong supporter of ISIS. They both knew that we were the best squadron for miles around, and had decided that the best way to help the American forces lose the war was through a suicide bomb."

Poe's voice was becoming more and more strained, and he had dug his nails so deeply into his arms that blood was beginning to bubble up around the carbon half-moons. "As soon as I realized what was going on, I tried to get my men out of there, but it was too late. Major Lewis had already set the timer for less than a minute, and by the time I was able to tell my men to get the hell out of there, the bomb was already going off."

His voice caught as the tears streaming down his face increased their intensity. He let out a sob and pulled his knees up to his chest. Finn had to lean towards him, his ears straining to hear the words that Poe was saying. "I was by the door, so when the bomb went off, I was thrown outside instead of blown up into millions of pieces. I was the only survivor."

This time, when Finn wanted to comfort Poe, he didn't have to hesitate. Poe looked over at him with wide, heart-broken eyes before launching himself onto Finn's lap. He rested his head on Finn's shoulder and wrapped his arms tightly around Finn's waist. Finn secured his own arms around Poe's body and held him close, gently shushing him and rubbing his back in slow, soothing circles.

The men were silent for a moment until Poe spoke up again. "I was knocked out by the blast, and I guess someone from another unit must have found me, because the next thing I knew, I was at a military hospital being told that a piece of flaming shrapnel had burned my eye so badly that all my vision out of it was gone. I was told that I would never fly again, and that my career in the Air Force was over." He paused to kiss Finn's cheek before putting his head on his shoulder again. "I was going to kill myself the night that I met you."

Finn went rigid before he pulled Poe somehow even closer still, tightening his arms until there wasn't any space between their bodies. He didn't know what to say to that, so he settled for the only thing that was on his mind. "I love you."

Poe lifted his chin to kiss Finn again, the tear tracks on his cheeks slowing down until they finally stopped. "I love you, too."

 

 

21

As the hours went on, Poe and Finn lied together and enjoyed each other’s company until Poe decided that it was time to call his sister and Kes. They had apparently gone and picked up Poe’s car once they had left Finn’s apartment, so when they picked him up, it was in his Jeep. They were due to leave on their flight back to Santa Fe in just four short hours, so while Poe wished that he could stay and spend more time with Finn, he knew that he needed to talk to Kes and Kimberlee both to discuss what had happened the night before.

Finn had walked Poe halfway out to the car before Poe stopped him. He glanced over at his Jeep before pulling Finn into a hug and lightly kissing him on the lips. “Thank you for saving me last night,” he whispered into Finn’s ear, his breath tickling the hairs on Finn’s neck.

Finn hugged him back before pulling away and taking a step back. He didn’t respond to what Poe had said. Instead, he reached down and squeezed Poe’s hand before giving him a smile and saying, “I love you. Text me when they leave for their flight, and we will go out and do something fun tonight.”

“Like a date?”

“Yeah. Exactly like a date.” Finn’s smile grew. “I promise that I’ll make it worth it,.”

:”I know you will. I’ll see you later.” Poe leaned forward and gave Finn another kiss before turning on his heel and walking up to the car. When he got to the top of the sidewalk, he turned and waved at Finn before getting in.

Finn watched Kes drive off, his stomach suddenly filling itself with knots and hit shoulders slumping as the full weight of Poe’s admission hit him. He knew that things had been bad for Poe when he was overseas, but he didn’t expect any of what Poe had said. He knew that Poe blamed himself for not taking the initiative to say “no” to his commander, and there was just something about that blame that made _Finn_ feel like he was the one suffering from the memory, not Poe. Part of him wanted to be the one to shoulder that blame and unhappiness so that Poe didn’t have to.

With a sigh, Finn went back into the apartment and sat down on the couch next to Jessika and Rey, who were cuddled up and watching some scary movie that they had found on Netflix. When Rey looked over and saw the crestfallen look on Finn’s face, however, she paused the movie and moved off of Jessika’s lap so that she could hug her brother.

“Are you okay?” she asked, giving him a quick squeeze before removing her arms from around his shoulders. Jessika leaned forward and turned her body so that she could study him, too.

Finn shrugged. "There's nothing really wrong, I just feel off," he admitted, looking back and forth between the girls before looking down to the floor. "Last night really fucked with me."

"Amen to that." Rey turned away from Finn to nod at Jessika before turning back to her brother. Jessika got up and went to the kitchen. "You saved his life, though, Finn. You stopped him from killing himself."

Memories of the pistol blasting shot through his head, and he couldn't stop the shiver that racked his entire body at the thought. "I was almost too late. When I got to the park, Poe had already fired a shot, but he was too drunk to put it to his head all the way."

Rey's eyes widened. "You didn't tell me that."

Finn nodded and shivered again. There were new images rushing through his mind, but this time they were of all the possible ways he would have found Poe if he had gotten there a few seconds later. "I didn't even know if I was going to the right place, but after I left his apartment, I just went to the first place that I could think of." He sniffed loudly, tears beginning to burn at the inner corners of his eyes. "I heard the shot as I was parking, and I though I was too late. I've never been so scared in my life."

"Fuck," Rey breathed, her eyes wide and her jaw gaping. "I had no idea."

"Yeah."

Finn looked up as Jessika walked back into the living room, a bottle of champagne in one hand and a jug of juice in the other. When Finn gave her a questioning look, she smiled bashfully before shrugging. "You look like you need a drink, but it's too early for the hard stuff," she said, shrugging again.

Finn chuckled and shook his head when Rey raised her eyebrows and nodded. He pushed her gently before holding his hand out for the champagne. He wasn't a huge fan of the dry, bubbly liquid, but Jessika was right, he /did/ need a drink. Dealing with the aftermath of his emotions from the night before wasn't something that he really wanted to do completely sober.

"Thank you," he said once his hand was around the olive-green glass of the neck. He unscrewed the cork before putting the mouth up to his lips and drinking a large swig. Jessika out the orange juice down on the crate-table and went back to the kitchen to get glasses, which she mixed the liquids in as soon as she got back.

Jessika handed Finn his glass before sitting back down next to Rey. She put a hand on the other girl's knee and rubbed a few small circles. "Poe and I talked this morning, while you were still asleep."

Finn's eyebrows furrowed. He had woken up before Poe had, other than Poe's brief visit to the bathroom in the middle of the night. "What? When?"

"It was pretty early, like three or four o'clock. I don't remember exactly when, but I got up to get a glass of water and he was in the living room watching /Keeping Up with the Kardashians/."

That was even more fishy. Finn had tried to get Poe to watch it once after a B-movie marathon and all he did the entire time was complain about how stupid he thought the show was and how he would "never gain back those brain cells that he lost during that hour of drama-filled bullshit." Poe must have really been out of it to turn it on voluntarily.

He shook his head and tried to focus back on the topic at hand. It didn't really matter that Poe had been watching that show, but it /did/ matter that Jessika felt the need to tell Finn whatever it was that they were talking about. Poe was already a danger to himself, so things couldn't get much worse, but if he had been having suicidal thoughts still . . . Finn needed to know everything that he said so that he could prevent anything bad from happening.

"What did he want to talk about?" he asked finally, draining his glass of champagne and orange juice before holding it out for Jessika to fill again.

Jessika grabbed the orange juice and champagne and topped all three of them up. "About my time in Afghanistan, mostly. He wanted to know how to talk to you about last night."

"So about his PTSD, right?"

"Right."

Finn, for a moment, felt guilt swirling in his gut. He hadn't even thought to see how Jessika was dealing with being back in the states when it was obvious how poorly Poe was doing. They had both gone through similar situations, so it wasn't unlikely that Jessika was having some PTSD troubles of her own. Visibly, she seemed fine, but Poe seemed completely fine to Finn, too.

He swallowed hard before asking anything about her emotional wellbeing. "So . . . are you doing okay since being back?"

Jessika nodded. "Yeah, but I also had a year in-between finishing my tour in Afghanistan and moving to St. Louis. Rey told me that Poe moved here straight after finishing up in Iraq. Things are a lot more fresh for him than they are for me."

"Were you like him at first, though?"

Before Jessika had a chance to respond, Rey kissed her on the cheek and pushed herself off the couch. "I'm going to let you two talk about this in private," she said, grabbing the champagne and orange juice containers and taking them in the direction of her bedroom.

Jessika waited until the door clicked shut before she spoke further. "When I first got back, I had a lot of nightmares, and loud noises like fireworks and gunshots on television and stuff like that freaked me out a lot, but eventually I got it through my head that what I was hearing didn't mean I was in danger. Besides, I never personally got shot at over there. I mean, yeah, I had been in vehicles that got shot at, but /I/ was never shot, if that makes sense."

"Yeah, it does. What did you do about the nightmares?"

Here, Jessika flushed, and she averted her eyes. Finn once again felt guilty, and tried to backtrack. "You don't have to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable--"

"No," Jessika interrupted, looking back at Finn. "I need to be able to talk about this more openly. The nightmares are still something that I struggle with, and it just sometimes makes me feel silly that something my brain cooks up can make me feel so vulnerable and scared."

She shook her head and changed her position so she was slouched forward, her lower back resting on the top of the couch cushion. "It was mandatory on my base in the UK that everyone who went overseas had to start seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist as soon as they arrived, and then at least once per week for a year after that, unless they retired, resigned, or were discharged before that year was up. Since I wasn't really having flashbacks or blackouts like Poe did last night, we focused mostly on my dreams."

"Did talking about them help make them less scary?"

"In a way it did, but what helped most was writing down my bad dreams as soon as I woke up so I could break them down to see what was memory and what was my imagination making things worse. We also worked on lucid dreaming, which I still think is a bunch of bullshit, but my psychologist was convinced that it would work."

Finn chuckled. He had read (and written) enough articles about alternate forms of medicine and healing during his time at First Order Journaling (back when it was still The Resistance Report), and lucid dreaming was something that had come up a lot. "Got it." He paused before adding, "I'm not a psychologist, though, so what can I do to help Poe get through it? I don't want to make things worse somehow, or do anything to upset him."

"Honestly, just be there for him. I knew when we were talking that he was convinced that having a flashback and accidentally hurting you would destroy any chance he had with you. I know with me and Rey, at least, I was scared out of my mind the first time that I told her anything about Afghanistan. I had to do some things that," she winced, "that I'm not too proud of now that I'm a civilian again, but she just kept telling me that she loves me and that I wasn't a bad person just for doing my job."

"I get that, but . . . Poe has already pushed me away so many times without me being aware of any of this. I'm just worried that he is going to freak out again and decide that a relationship isn't worth it."

"And if he makes that decision, it'll be something you just have to accept."

Finn's face fell, but he knew that Jessika was right. Jessika reached over and took his hand before saying, "Poe loves you, Finn. You didn't see how heartbroken he was when he realized what he did to you." She waved her hand toward his eyes. "I know that getting in a relationship with someone like this is scary, but--"

"It's not scary." This time it was Finn's turn to interrupt. "It's really not. It's more of I just want to be able to help him rather than hurt him."

"If you really want to help him, then just being with him will help him more than anything else you could possibly do." She squeezed his hand before letting go and pushing off the couch in a similar fashion to how Rey had just a few minutes earlier. "All right, all that orange juice and champagne is running straight through me, so I'm going to take a potty break then go watch a movie with Rey. If you need anything else, though, don't hesitate to ask, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, Jess."

"Anytime."

Finn watched Jessika walk away before leaning forward and putting his head in his hands. He had known from the very beginning that things with Poe were different, but he hadn't expected how much Poe had been dealing with on his own.

If he was being honest, he felt incredibly selfish for feeling so sorry for himself about Poe wanting space and to just be friends that he never really thought all that hard about what /Poe/ was feeling. Sure, he tried to convince himself that whatever happened would happen for the best, but he didn't really believe that. He couldn't see that what was best for him might not be the best for Poe, and if he really loved him, then his focus should have been on doing whatever made Poe the happiest.

With that thought in mind, Finn ran through the events of the night again, trying to see if he could really gauge whether or not Poe was sober enough to be honest with Finn about what he wanted. Sure, it had only been a few hours since Poe had (soberly) told him that he loved him, but who knew if all the alcohol had been out of his system. It could have still been an overflow of the intensity of the feelings that he had been having from the flashbacks, and nothing to actually do with Finn himself.

Finn's stomach was beginning to churn, and he was starting to wish that he had never told Poe how he felt about him in the first place. Now that he had gotten a taste of what it would feel like for Poe to love him and really want to be with him, he didn't think that he could let the man go. He had fallen in love way too deeply to have to go back to acting like his feelings didn't exist, and he honestly wasn't sure that he could see the man without his heart shattering if none of this was real.

Finn took a deep breath and let it out before taking his hands off his head and sitting up straight. He couldn't do this. It wasn't fair to him, and it wasn't fair to Poe. Poe was right, he needed space to heal, like Jessika said, until the emotionally and mental wounds that he was dealing with were less fresh and raw, and he couldn't do that if Finn was clinging to him all the time. If anything, it would make Poe snap easier, and what had happened last night would happen again.

Finn wasn't sure, but he was starting to think that the reason why /he/ was the one that Poe attacked was because of how obvious and intense his feelings were. Poe had said that the men who captured him had raped him, and Finn had made it exceptionally clear that sex was something that he wanted from the relationship. They had spent months in that limbo in-between being friends and being more-than-friends with both of them being mostly happy. They could go back to doing that, and things would work out fine. Finn just needed to give /himself/ some space so that he could let the feelings fade.

/Everything is going to be fine/, Finn told himself, trying his hardest to ignore the way that his stomach was clenching and unclenching, and how he felt like he was moments away from vomiting. He the way that he did when he was a child and had to speak in public: nervous, queasy, and altogether just like he was going to pass out. He knew that he had no reason to be nervous (especially when he was doing something that was right) but he couldn't help it. This was something big, and if it didn't work like Finn hoped it would, there would be nothing left of his friendship with Poe to savage once their feelings cooled off.

Finn ground his teeth together and stood. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and went to his bedroom to grab his charger before going back into the kitchen. He plugged the charger into the wall and plugged his phone into the charger, and opened up his saved conversations. He scrolled through until he found Poe's name (a mere three conversations down, something that didn't really surprise Finn; Poe and Rey were the only people that Finn ever texted). He typed out a message and sent it before he lost the courage.

As soon as he got the confirmation that his message had been delivered, he put his phone on silent and turned it over before going back to his room and collapsing onto the bed. He pulled the covers up over himself and squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could until the gaping hole in his chest didn't feel so overwhelming.

The tears started to come moments before Finn fell back asleep.

 

22

Poe tapped impatiently on the arm center console of the Jeep as Kes slid into a parking spot, slamming on the break and muttering, “Oops,” when he realized that he had gone far enough to hit the curb. Poe shook his head and let out a breath; he had tried to convince his father that he was perfectly fine to drive his own car, but Kes had insisted that Poe stay away from behind the wheel for a few more days . . . or at least until Kimberlee and him left for Santa Fe in a mere four hours. Once they were gone, Kes wouldn’t be able to stop Poe from driving, and he knew that, but he still urged his son to follow his guidance and let someone else do the driving.

When Kes had finally managed to park the car straightly in the spot, he turned the ignition off and handed Poe the key before getting out. Kimberlee finished up her game of Fruit Ninja and got out as well. Poe didn’t really feel like getting out of the car (the idea of having an in-depth conversation with his father about what had happened last night wasn’t very high on the lists of things that he would like to do today), but he knew that he needed to, and that things needed to be said.

Poe pushed open the door and jumped out, his legs wobbling slightly from the aftershocks of his hangover. He followed his family inside, although he passed them to briefly stop into his bedroom to put his phone onto the charger and to change into something more comfortable. He pulled on a pair of worn gray sweatpants, threw a hoodie on over his long-sleeved tee shirt, and put his slippers on before going back out into the living room.

Kes and Kimberlee were clearly ready to have this conversation with Poe. Kes was sitting on the end of Poe’s couch with a hard look in his eyes. He was jigging his legs and had his hands interlaced tightly between his knees. Kimberlee was slouched down on the loveseat with BB-8’s head in her lap. They both looked up when Poe entered the room.

Poe sat down next to his father and tried to act nonchalant as he pulled his legs up under himself, but inside, he was beginning to panic. What did his father think of him now that he had seen just how broken Poe really was? Kes had never been the type to hide his emotions, but he wasn’t really the soft, vulnerable type, either. He had encouraged Poe to join the Air Force when he was a teenager, and had even fought overseas in Vietnam back when Shara and him had first gotten married. He had never shown any signs of having PTSD, so why did Poe?

Poe took a deep breath and swallowed before speaking. “I’m sorry, Papa,” he said, wincing at the way that his voice broke on the last word.

Kes’s head shot up, and he looked at Poe in shock, the hard look in his eyes disappearing in a flash. “What are you sorry for, Poe? I’m the one who should be sorry. I should have seen how much you were hurting.” He looked over at Kimberlee and gave her an apologetic smile. “Kimmie, I know that you want to talk to your brother about last night, too, but can you give us a few minutes alone?”

“Yeah, absolutely.” Kimberlee scratched BB-8 behind the ears before pushing his head off her lap and standing up. She hesitated for a moment before turning to look down at the dog. “Come on, BB-8. Let’s go for a walk.”

BB-8 jumped up, his thick golden fur swaying as he bounded out of the living room and into the kitchen, where he knew that his leash and choke collar were located. Kimberlee followed him and got him ready before taking him outside.

Once Kes and Poe were alone, Kes began to speak. He changed his position so that he was facing Poe. “Son, I think that there are some things that we need to talk about, that I should have talked to you about before you even left for Iraq.” He laid one arm along the back of the couch and bent one of his legs so that he could sit more comfortably. “When your mother and I met . . . I was going through the same sort of things that you are right now. I was only eighteen when I was drafted during the last six years of the war, and boy was I against going.”

“I know that, Papa. You told me that when I first started talking about joining the Air Force. You said that it made you proud that I wanted to voluntarily do something to help my country, when you did it because you had no other choice.”

Kes nodded. “That’s right. But, son, when I got the letter in the mail that my draft number had been chosen, I was scared out of my mind. There was a girl that I was seeing back home, and I didn’t want to leave her. Your Uncle Carl was chosen to go, too, but he got incredibly sick right before he was supposed to leave so the government decided to just keep him stateside. I was so jealous, but I didn’t want to let him know that, so I went ahead and went.

“The things that I saw over there . . . I know that you and I haven’t talked much about what you saw in Iraq, so I don’t know how it compares to what I saw in Vietnam, but things were brutal. I watched friends and enemies die in all sorts of horrific ways, and by the time I came home, I had been covered in enough much blood and bits of entrails to build another army to do the fighting for us. By the time my one-year tour with the Army was over, I had seen more death and destruction than I ever wanted to see. I was nearly killed more than once, and I managed to escape getting captured by the Vietcong by the skin of my teeth.”

He shook his head and blew out a breath, his tanned skin turning pale and beads of sweat dotting his hairline and along his brow bone. “Once my tour was over, the government tried to offer me higher pay and vacations and such to do another tour, but I just couldn’t do it. I came back home and moved back in with my mother and my father. Carl had already moved out by this point, and your Aunt Catherine was only a few weeks away from getting married, so it didn’t take long before it was just me, Mom, and Dad in the house. Dad had fought in World War Two, so he had a bit of an idea what I was going through, but the wars were so different . . . he couldn’t understand why I was suffering so badly when it hadn’t taken him any time to readjust back into society.

“It was at least six months after I got back before I managed to sleep through an entire night without waking up screaming. My mind was filled with images of my friends dying, and every time I heard any noise in the house, I immediately became convinced that the Vietcong had gotten in and hidden traps somewhere in the house. I thought that I was going to step somewhere wrong in the house and make everything blow up. I couldn’t leave my room without having a panic attack, and I could barely eat or drink out of fear that there was some kind of poison present.”

He put his hand on Poe’s leg. “Now, son, back when I was coming home from war, the military was viewed in a much more negative light than it is today. I was spat on, and cursed at, simply for doing what the government told me I was required to do. There wasn’t any mental care for veterans, and a lot of men ended their own lives because they couldn’t deal with the nightmares and paranoia. I know that I almost did, but meeting your mom changed all of that.

“I don’t know what all you have been suffering from since you got back, and you don’t have to tell me anything that you don’t want to. I just want you to know that I understand everything that you are going through, and I know that your sister does too, and Finn, and Rey.” Tears were starting to brim his eyes, and there were dark-red circles high on his cheeks. “Son, I just want you to know how proud I am of you. You don’t have to go through any of this alone.”

Poe couldn’t help the wave of emotion that spread through him and warmed his entire body. He let out a sob and lunged forward to hug his father, feeling more at home in his own body than he had for months. He had had no idea about any of the things that his father had just revealed to him. Yes, he knew that that Kes had served in Vietnam, but all of the struggles that he faced personally when he came back? That, Poe had never heard anything about.

He stayed quiet for a moment before saying, "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about any of this, Papa. I should have known that you, of all people, wouldn't think of me as being weak just because of all of this."

"Poe, nothing about this makes you weak. I'd be more worried about you if you /didn't/ have worries and things that were bothering you about this." Kes patted Poe's thigh before standing up. "I think I hear Kimberlee and BB-8 coming up. I'll let you and your sister talk things through while I finish up packing."

"Okay, Papa. I love you."

"I love you, too."

Kes left to go down the hall to the guest room just as Kimberlee walked in. BB-8 was covered in dewy specks of snow, as was Kimberlee's thick, unbrushed curls. The dog rushed back into Poe's bedroom to get warm while Kimberlee simply stood in the doorway while she tried to warm up.

She looked around when she saw that Poe was alone on the couch. "Where's Pops?"

"He went to go finish packing." Poe made a come-hither movement with his hand before patting the cushion next to him. "Hey, come here for a minute. I want to talk to you."

"Okay, let me just get my boots and coat off first." Kimberlee went back to the front door and kicked her boots off, chuckling when they flipped off her feet and landed sole-side up in the potted plant by Poe's door. She took off her jacket and threw it on the end table before going back over by Poe.

Poe eyed the violated plant and table with disgust. "How does that fiancé of yours put up with how much of a slob you are?"

"Oh zip it, you. You weren't exactly a Neat Nancy until you joined the military. A Nancy, yes," she giggled at her own joke, "but definitely not neat."

"Whatever." Poe shook his head and ignored the slight grin that was threatening to stretch his lips at his sisters jab. When he remembered what he wanted to talk about, however, he quickly sobered up. He looked at the small bruise on the side of her neck that she had apparently gotten when she was trying to stop him from killing Finn. "Look, LeeLee . . . I just wanted to apologize for last night. It wasn't fair of me to put you in that position, and I never should have scared you guys like that. I'm sorry."

Kimberlee's eyes widened, and she clenched her hands into fists. "Poe, stop. You don't have to apologize. You weren't yourself, and you didn't have any control over what you were doing."

"I know, but--"

"No buts. If you had been doing it consciously, that would be one thing, but the fact of the matter was that you /weren't/. It was scary but you couldn't help it." She shook her look. "Look, I don't think we really need to talk about all of this, okay? I'm not meaning to, like, ignore what you need, but . . . I know nothing about this, Poe. I don't want to tell you the wrong thing and make things worse for you."

Poe nodded. He wanted to be able to talk to Kimberlee about stuff like this, but he /did/ understand why she didn't want to. She was right, though, she had absolutely zero experience with what he was going through. The most torture she had been through was her college Calculus class, and even that was only one hour a day, three days a week.

Poe hesitated before changing the subject to the first thing that popped in his mind: Kimberlee's wedding. "So . . . any wedding plans yet?" He winced at the question, having trouble with the fact that he was asking something so meaningless when /he had almost killed Finn and himself last night/.

Kimberlee must have sensed the tension, because she held her hands up and quickly backtracked. "I mean, if you want to talk about it with me, go ahead, but I can't say that I'll be much help. But if you want--"

"Kimberlee, it's fine," Poe interrupted, getting up off the couch and turning in the direction of the kitchen. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. There are plenty of other people I can talk to." /Like Finn/, his mind supplied helpfully, brining a small smile to his face.

Kimberlee visibly relaxed and smiled. "Okay, good." She got up, too, only instead of following him into the kitchen, she turned towards the guest bedroom, just like Kes had done. "Well, I should help Pops finish packing so that we don't miss our flight."

"Okay. It was good talking to you, sis."

"Yes it was." She paused for a moment before giving Poe a mock salute. She quickly turned on her heel the moment that she did it, the tips of her ears (which were still visible beneath her mountains of hair) burning bright red.

Poe shook his head and tried to ignore the pain stabbing into his gut.

*

Two hours later, Kes and Kimberlee had finished packing and were on their way to the airport. Kes was still insisting Poe not get behind the wheel so Kimberlee was driving, something that in all honesty made Poe feel even more nervous than he would have if he had been driving his Jeep drunk (which, on second thought, he /had/ done, when he ended up at the park). Kimberlee was most definitely an aggressive driver, darting in and out of lanes and flooring it whenever someone got too close to her tail.

"Jesus, LeeLee, you're going to kill me before I ever get behind the wheel again," Poe muttered as he was slammed yet again into the car door when Kimberlee swerved into a different lane. He was sitting in the middle of the backseat, but even while buckled in Kimberlee's sharp turns threw him back and forth between the side seats.

"Oh, stop being such a buzzkill! I'm a great driver." Kes let out a noise that sounded like a cat with a hair ball stuck in its throat, which Kimberlee apparently took to mean that he was agreeing with her. She looked up into the rearview mirror and locked eyes with Poe. She winked before glancing back down to the road, then back up again. "See, Papa agrees that I'm a good driver."

"That's just because he's too old to remember what good driving is anymore."

Kes turned around in the passenger seat to glare at Poe over the armrest. "Hey, don't forget who taught you how to drive, mister."

"And who taught us how to get out of speeding tickets," Kimberlee added, laughing and reaching over to lightly punch Kes in the arm.

Poe didn't have to be looking at Kes's face to tell that he was rolling his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, whatever." Kes pulled out his phone to check the map before pointing to an exit coming up on the right. "That's where we need to get off."

Kimberlee, who was in the far left lane, turned on her blinker before swerving to the right and darting across all four lanes of traffic. Other drivers started blaring their horns, to which Kimberlee responded by flicking all of them the bird.

It only took a few more minutes before the Dax family reached the airport. Kimberlee sped into a parking spot and slammed on her breaks, quickly throwing the Jeep into park and ripping the keys from the ignition. She tossed them over the back of the seat to Poe, who gladly took them back.

Kimberlee and Kes unbuckled and climbed out of the car with Poe shortly behind. He helped them get their luggage out of the back of the Jeep before pulling them both into a hug.

"Thanks for coming to see me," he said, hooking his arms around their necks and pulling them close to him. "I know that it was kind of a rocky Christmas, but it really does mean a lot to me that you came." He released their necks and took a step back. Kes and Kimberlee gave him one final smile and wave before walking away.

There was sadness starting to fill his gut as he watched the retreating figures, but he knew that his family needed to get back to their own lives. Kimberlee had a fiancé to get home to, and Kes had a new life to build with his new girlfriend.

Besides, Poe had a new life to build with Finn.

 

23

When Finn woke back up for the fourth time that day, he decided that going back to sleep wasn’t worth it. He was still hurting and upset with himself for sending that message, but he also still honestly felt like this was the right thing to do. If Poe wanted to talk to him about what he felt about the situation then fine, Finn would listen, but for now, he would stick to his gut and do what he thought was right for the both of them.

Finn pushed the covers back and dragged himself into the bathroom to take a quick shower. He made sure that the water was as hot as he could stand before slipping in, letting the pulsating stream wash over his aching body. He moved around a bit, letting the hot water pound against the worst of the knots in his upper shoulders and neck. When Poe was at the apartment, he didn’t really feel any of the after effects of Poe’s PTSD, but now that Poe was gone and all the euphoria of Poe’s feelings and the adrenaline of almost watching him commit suicide had worn off, he felt like he had been run over by a truck. His face was sore, it hurt to breath, and when he kept his eyes open for too long, they started to burn and made the corners of his vision go red.

Finn kept his eyes shut while he felt around along the wall for his shampoo and his body soap. He got both and mixed them together, hurting too much to bother with trying to keep separate washes for the different parts of his body. He rubbed his hands together and washed the short, coarse curls that made up his scalp before moving his hands down to his body. His hand started to stop at his crotch, but Finn forced all the arousing thoughts that he had bout Poe away. He may have fantasized about Poe’s gorgeous body several times over the course of their friendship, but after last night, it just made Finn feel disgusting and like he was violating Poe’s trust somehow.

Finn finished washing himself before letting the water beat over his body again. He stood there for a few minutes so that all of the bubbles and soap residue would wash off of him, but once again, he didn’t feel like doing anything other than just standing there.

Eventually, the hot water started to run out, and Finn was left was a decision: either he stay in the water and freeze to death, or he muster up the energy to get out, where he could get warm again.

If it had been the middle of the summer, or even late spring, he most definitely would have chosen the former option. As it was the end of December and less than ten degrees Fahrenheit outside, however, Finn knew that staying under the cold water wasn’t the best option that he could possibly choose, so he shut off the stream and stepped out of the shower. Goosebumps covered his arms, legs, stomach, chest, and back the moment that the chilly air of the room hit him, so he grabbed the fluffiest towel that he could find in the linen closet and wrapped himself up in it.

Once Finn was sure that he wouldn’t catch hypothermia, he made his way out of the bathroom and back into his bedroom. He immediately went straight to his closet to grab a long-sleeved thermal shirt and a pair of jeans. He put them on before grabbing the thickest pair of socks that he owned. He pulled them onto his feet and speed-walked out into the hallway, sliding slightly on the aged carpet as he stepped through the doorway.

Rey and Jessika must not be home, Finn realized as he wandered through the apartment towards the kitchen. Their bedroom door was open, but they weren’t anywhere in sight. The apartment was also eerily quiet, something that it never was when either Jessika or Rey were present. Both girls were loud in terms of their movements and their voice levels when they were by themselves, but now that they were officially living together . . . well, Finn was almost positive that he would need to get himself a hearing aid by the end of 2017 if things continued on like this.

When Finn got to the kitchen, his stomach dropped all the way down to the floor as he remembered that he had left his phone plugged in next to the refrigerator. He desperately wanted to look and see if Poe had responded, but he knew that if Poe had and it wasn’t something that Finn wanted to hear, he would have a really hard time getting through the rest of the night.

. . . although, honestly, Finn wasn’t sure that there was any response from Poe that he really felt like receiving.

Finn debated about what to do for nearly a full minute before looking straight past his phone and into the cabinet next to the fridge and trying to find something that would dull his senses enough to get him to calm down.

Normally, he wasn't the type of person to take anything to calm himself down, but tonight, he didn't feel like he had much of a choice. The single glance at the back of his phone was already enough to make him feel like he was suffocating.

"This is fucking stupid," Finn muttered to himself as he yanked down the container of miscellaneous pills that Rey and he had collected over the last year or so. Most of them were ones that Slip had left after a night of hanging out, but there were one or two half-empty bottles that Finn honestly had no idea where he got them from.

He pulled one of the questionable bottles down and poured the pills into his hand. There were probably six or seven different kinds there, but none of them were ones that he recognized.

Finn hated to admit it, but part of him just wanted to say fuck it and take the pills without a second thought about what it was that he was doing to his body. He used to do it when he was younger and going through a rough patch, but as an adult, he felt that that would likely be incredibly poor judgement on his part.

Finn groaned and dumped the pills unceremoniously back into the bottle before putting /all/ of the bottles back into the cabinet. If he really wanted to use something to fuck with his head, he needed to call Slip directly and have him bring something over. That way, if something went wrong, Slip was there to put everything right again.

The more Finn thought about it, though, the more he realized how much of a dick he had been to Slip over the last couple of months. At first he had been avoiding him because of the sexual encounter that Slip and Poe had had, but after he had gotten over that, it was just that he hadn't had much spare time that he was willing to devote to anyone besides Poe. It wasn't fair to Slip, and it wouldn't really be fair to call him just to have a way to distract himself from all the complications with Poe.

Regardless, Finn needed something to do, so calling him was worth a shot. Worst case scenario, Slip said no, and Finn had to find some other way to spend the evening. He wasn't stupid enough to take the pills without having someone else in the house, so there was least there was that.

Finn closed the cabinet door and turned around, leaning his back against the counter and crossing his legs and arms. He closed his eyes and counted to ten before grabbing his phone and unlocking it as quickly as he could without looking at his messages (although he did notice that, surprisingly, he had none). He went to his contacts and pulled up Slip's number.

The other line rang twice before Slip answered. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's Finn. What's up?"

Slip was quiet for a moment before exclaiming, "Finn! Long time no talk! Where the fuck have you been, man?"

"Uhm, here and there, hanging out with Poe, mostly. Listen, I was wondering if you wanted to go get fucked up with me tonight. We could go to the bar or something. If you don't want to, that's fine--"

"Fuck yes I want to!" Slip interrupted, an excited tone to his voice. "It's been far too long since we'e gone out. Give me an hour or so then I'll be over."

"Okay, cool. See you soon."

"Bye, man. See ya."

The line disconnected and Finn set his phone back down onto the counter only to see the screen light up again. The moment that he saw "1 new message from Poe Dameron," he turned the phone off and left the kitchen as quickly as he could.

 

***

 

Poe had gotten halfway home from the airport when he realized that he had never bothered to check his phone or even make sure that it was actually charging since he had gotten back from Finn's. He had nearly grabbed it before they left for the airport, but then BB-8 had gotten out and Poe was distracted by trying to catch him before he hit a main road.

When he got home, however, he /immediately/ went into his bedroom to see if he had any messages. Besides, he had promised Finn that he would let him know when Kimberlee and Kes were gone, so it wouldn't exactly be fair if him not to. The message he saw when he unlocked his phone, however, made him wish that he had never picked his phone up in the first place.

/ _This isn't going to work out. I'm sorry. I need a few weeks to myself but after that we can work on being friends if you still want to_./

Poe's stomach dropped when he realized that the message was from Finn, and had been received almost two hours earlier. What did he mean, that this wasn't going to work out? Things had seemed fine when they separated in the morning, and Poe hadn't done anything in the last few hours that could so much as change Finn's feelings for him. Hell, he hadn't even had his phone on him, so it wasn't as though he had unintentionally said something stupid or offensive.

Poe went into the living room and sat down on the couch before typing back a message. / _What do u mean? I thought we were goin out tonite_?/ He sent the message before typing out another one, which he waited to send until a whole ten minutes had crawled by without a response from Finn. /I _thought u said u forgave me for last nite_./

Once again, there was no response. Poe slouched down into the sagging cushions and flipped his phone around in his hand. He bit down on his lip and turned on the television so that he'd have some distraction from the bubbling of his stomach and the heavy feeling of his limbs. All it really did, though, was make Poe feel more and more scared as he ran through all the interactions they had had from the time that they woke up until the time that Poe left. He couldn't stop trying to read into the things that Finn had said, but all he was getting was that Finn had said that he loved him and that he would be there for him with whatever happened with his PTSD. He wasn’t positive, but he didn’t think that the man’s feelings could change so drastically in just a couple of hours.

Unless . . . Finn hadn’t been telling the truth when he said that he forgave Poe for what had happened. Maybe he hadn’t properly looked in a mirror until after Poe was gone, so he hadn’t seen the true extent of his injuries. Maybe Finn had decided that it wasn’t worth the risk of something like this happening again, if Poe had another similar (or worse) flashback.

Suddenly, Poe felt something wet on his cheek. He lifted his hand up to swipe at his cheek, shocked to find that there were tears there. He had been so absorbed into his thoughts that he didn’t realize that he had begun to cry. Now that he had realized, however, his throat was beginning to grow scratchy and sore, and there was most definitely a lump that he was forced to swallow around. All he wanted to do was talk to Finn and figure out what had gone wrong so that he could try and do something to fix it.

Poe clicked on his phone again and started to type out another message, but after only a few words he shut that idea down. Instead, he clicked on the “call” button that sat in the upper right-hand corner of the text message. Immediately, the phone began to ring . . .

. . . only for Poe to be sent immediately to voicemail. Fuck. Either Finn had turned off his phone, or he had blocked him from being able to make calls. He hung up with a heavy heart before going back to the messages and trying again. _Call me when u get this plz._

Poe sent the message and slunk even deeper somehow into the cushions. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the back of the couch. He knew that it might be a bad idea, but he was incredibly tempted to just go and show up at Finn’s house anyway. He still had Rey and his Christmas presents in his closet; worst case scenario, if he couldn’t come up with any other reason, he could just throw caution into the wind and say that he was stopping off to give them their Christmas presents before they worried about putting any space between them.

Poe knew, though, that if he saw Finn, he would more likely than not start asking questions about what the fuck was going on, and he wasn’t going to be nice about it. He _deserved_ to know exactly why Finn didn’t want this anymore. When Poe told him that _he_ wanted space, he was at least decent enough to give Finn a reason.

. . . but he wasn’t. Poe thought back to that night less than a week and a half ago, and realized that he had pulled the exact same thing on Finn. He had invited him over, had even accepted that they were basically taking a step that was namely for serious couples, and then decided out of the blue that they needed to stay apart from one another. That was before Poe had admitted just how deeply his feelings for Finn ran, though, and before he had realized just how much of a chance that they had together!

Finn knew the pain of the forced separation when Poe had done it, so he just couldn’t understand why Finn would do the same thing back. When Poe did it, he thought that it would make being friends with him easier, that the space would cause his feelings to drop back down to being simply platonic, but all it did was make him fall all the harder and faster. Didn’t Finn know that that was what was going to happen this time around?

Poe almost wished that he had carried through with his original actions.

 _No_. That wasn’t right. Sure, Poe was feeling upset, but he _never_ was going to go back to where he was last night. His family didn’t need to go through that again, and Poe wasn’t sure that he would have the strength the next time to stop shooting a second time if he missed again. Besides, if he remembered correctly, he had thrown his gun somewhere in the park, so he couldn’t get to it even if he wanted to.

Poe’s phone began to vibrate in his hand. He shot up into a seated position, his eyes immediately shooting to his home screen and his heart racing. When he realized it was just a notification for one of his games, his heart race slowed and almost felt like it stopped. He bit down harder on his lip to push down the disappointment before standing up and going into his bedroom. He grabbed clothes and a pair of shoes, trying to find something that was both comfortable and warm.

Finn might not want to see him, but Poe would be damned if he wasn’t going to try.

 

***

 

Finn finished rinsing out the dish that he had made Ramen noodles in before tossing it into the sink. Slip was supposed to be there any minute, and if Finn was being honest, he was kind of sort of dreading it. It wasn’t just that the idea of seeing Slip reminded Finn that Poe and him had fucked, although it most definitely did, but he just couldn’t stop reminding himself that he and Poe had originally planned to go out on a date tonight.

Part of Finn was desperate to call Poe and say that the message was a mistake, and that he still very much wanted to have a relationship with him (which was completely true).

The other part of him was still worried that he was going to delay Poe’s healing progress, and that if he was too emotionally invested, he wouldn’t be able to be properly there for Poe, in the way that Jessika told him he needed to be.

It was confusing, to say the least.

Fortunately, Finn didn’t have to think for much longer about what he should or should not do before there was knock on the door. He grabbed his phone off the counter and turned it back on, shoving it into his pocket before the vibrating from all the messages that he was almost positive that he had began. He could still hear the buzz through the denim, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it would have been in Finn had continued to hold it in his hand.

He went to the front door and opened it wide. “Hey, Slip. Let me grab my keys and then we can okay.”

“Okay.” Slip nodded and stepped into the apartment, shutting the door behind him so that the heat from the apartment wouldn’t escape.

While Finn was getting his keys, he glanced over his shoulder to see the ways that Slip had changed physically since the last time that they saw each other. He must not have bothered buzzing his hair over the last couple of months, because his hair was at least two or three inches long and curling around his ears. He was still wearing his jeans two sizes too big and low on his hips, but he was wearing a simple striped sweater that was free of any of the vulgar language that most of his shirts proclaimed.

Finn walked back over to Slip and gestured to the shirt. “What’s that about?”

Slip glanced down before looking back up, his cheeks coloring slightly. “I, uh, I started hanging out with this guy, and he said I look nice in shirts like this, so . . . I bought like twelve.”

Finn snorted. “Damn, Slip, you must be in love,” he teased, reaching over and pinching Slip’s cheek playfully.

“You’re one to talk about being in love,” Slip shot back, pushing Finn’s hand away from his face and taking a step back.

Finn’s expression must have changed to something more somber, because suddenly, all the playfulness was gone from the air, and Slip was looking at Finn like he had just admitted to murdering twenty-seven puppies. Finn forced a smile and straightened his back, trying to act like everything was fine when it so clearly wasn’t. “All right! Are you ready to go?”

Slip still looked unsure. “Uhm . . . yeah, I guess.”

Finn followed him outside. He turned and locked the door before holding his hand out for Slip to lead the way back up to his car.

What he saw at the top of the stairs, however, made him stop in his tracks.

It was Poe, and boy did he look pissed.

 

24

Poe stared at the top of the steps for several seconds with his hands on his hips, just glaring down at Finn and Slip. As he drove over to the apartment building, his confusion and hurt had developed into anger. He was /livid/ that Finn didn't talk to him about what was going on before telling him that he wanted to take a break, and he was even more angry now that he saw that Finn had canceled their date to hang out with Slip, of all people.

Poe doubted that Slip knew what was going on, but when he looked back and forth between Poe and Finn, he held his hands up and looked at Finn. "Okay, it's clear that I should be anywhere other than here right now, so just call me sometime soon, Finn, so we can hang out again." He lowered his hands and shoved them in his pockets as he walked towards Poe. "Good to see you again, Poe."

"Yep." Poe popped the p, but his eyes never left Finn as Slip passed him. Finn looked vulnerable and afraid now, with his mouth slightly open and his eyes as wide as they could be with the swelling. Poe started to walk down the steps towards Finn, the anger in his stomach burning hotter and hotter the closer that he got until finally, when he was only a few feet from Finn, it burned out completely, leaving him feeling alone and sad.

He had planned on yelling if he had to, and on telling Finn exactly what he thought of being led on like this. But now, he just wanted to feel close to Finn again. He wanted to tell Finn that he understand that he had requested a break the first time, but that he thought they were past that. He wanted to tell Finn that all that he wanted now was to go inside and hold him for as long as Finn would let him.

He had the whole conversation figured out in his head, but now, all of that was gone. His shoulders slumped and he could hear the desperation and heartbreak in his voice as he asked, "Why don't you want me anymore? I thought that you loved me."

He tried to ignore the way his heart shattered at the blank look that Finn gave him. Finn wasn't answering him, though, so it was a lot easier said than done.

He crossed his arms in front of his chest and rocked onto his back leg. He couldn't help it; he had to look away. This whole thing was hurting more and more the longer that he stood waiting for Finn to say something.

For several minutes, neither Poe nor Finn said anything. Poe was starting to give up and was debating going back to his car when Finn reached down and took his hand, squeezing it gently before interlacing their fingers. It sent shocks from the tips of his fingers up to his chest.

Finn leaned in and kissed his cheek before saying, "Poe, of course I still want you. It's just . . . " He paused when he noticed that Poe had started to shiver. He pulled him towards his body to try and warm him up, pressing him against his chest and wrapping his free arm around Poe's lower back. "Let's go inside and then we will talk about this, okay? It's too cold to be standing out here like this."

"Okay." Poe's voice was still shaky, and he absolutely hated how immature he sounded. Finn was right, though; it was /extremely/ cold at the bottom of the sidewalk, especially when the wind started to blow.

He untangled himself from Finn's arms and led the way into the apartment. It was stupid, because he knew that Finn wouldn't lock him out, but he couldn't help but worry that if he was the last one in, he wouldn't get the chance to tell Finn everything that he felt. Regardless, when he opened the front door, he felt much calmer than he had a moment before.

Finn had let him into his house, so all he needed to do now was let him back into his life.

He sat down on the sofa and waited for Finn to join him. Finn seemed anxious again, though, and walked straight past him to go into the kitchen. Poe leaned against the back of the sofa and strained his neck so that he could see what Finn was doing.

When he saw that Finn was pulling a bottle of some sort of alcohol out of the top cabinet, all the calmness and hope that he had started to feel coming inside started to fade. Finn shouldn't need alcohol to talk about their relationship.

Poe tore his eyes away from Finn and shut them tightly. He leaned forward and propped his elbows on his thighs, putting his face in his hands. He tried to breathe in and out through his nose, another technique that Dr. Valerian had taught him, but he wasn't able to fully settle his racing heart and get his breathing back to normal until Finn had properly taken a seat at his side.

Finn took a big sip of whatever he was drinking before putting a hand on Poe's back, drawing him back into reality. "Poe . . . I want to talk about why /you/ wanted to take a break from /me/ before we talk about anything else. Okay? I just need to understand. Maybe then I can explain my side better."

Poe hesitated before shrugging Finn's hand off and sitting up. He scooted over to the other side of the couch and pulled his legs up under himself, moving a few of the throw pillows in-between them so that he didn't have to worry about accidentally touching him and making this whole thing worse.

"I was afraid that you would see what Iraq did to me and that you would think I was weak and break my heart." He looked over at the opposite wall, trying his hardest not to look away. He knew that if he looked at Finn, he would throw all caution into the wind and beg Finn to say that he'd be his.

He cleared his throat before starting again. "I just thought that if we stayed friends, then I didn't have to worry about losing you. I didn't think I'd be able to handle dating you then losing you and Rey if we broke up. I need the two of you so badly."

In his peripheral vision, he could see Finn moving closer to the wall of pillows. Finn moved a few pillows to the side as he started to speak. "That's my thinking too, Poe. I am so in love with you, but baby, you need a friend more than you need a boyfriend right now. You need me to be able to distance myself from you and put myself out of the picture when you really need it, and I don't know if I'll be able to do that if I'm emotionally invested as your boyfriend."

"I think it's a bit too late for either of us to get emotionally invested." He looked away from the wall back to Finn, locking their eyes together. "Or at least I am."

Finn stared back for a moment before looking away again. He took one of the throw pillows and put it on his lap, kneading the decorative threads hanging off the edges and jiggling his legs. "I'm emotionally invested in you, too."

"Why don't you want me then?"

"It's not that I don't want you. It's just . . . I want what's best for you, and I just don't know if what's best for you is me."

"How about you let me decide that? It's my decision what's best for me or not, and I really think you're it for me. If you don't want to be with me, or don't love me, that's your choice and I'll accept that, but don't make my choices for me--"

Before Poe could finish speaking, Finn threw the rest of the pillows aside and launched himself into Poe's lap. He put his hands on either side of Poe's face and kissed him deeply, almost immediately darting his tongue out and running it along the seam of Poe's lips.

Poe kissed back eagerly, his heart feeling like it was going to explode from the intense love burning through his veins. There had never been anything that he had wanted in his entire life, and here, in this moment, he was finally getting it. All of the pain, and the humiliation, and the anger at losing all the things that he that made him who he was faded away, leaving him nothing but a shell filled to the very brim with joy.

Now that Poe had Finn, he was /never/ letting go.

Epilogue

/Two years later/

Poe pulled into one of the parking spaces in front of Remembrance, the twenty-four hour diner and café that Finn and Maz had opened together right before Maz had retired. The purchase of the restaurant hadn't been planned, but after Maz's Café burned down on Finn's one year anniversary of working there, Maz had decided to try again, and due to her age, she decided that it would be better for her health if someone other than she was in charge.

Tonight, just like every other Tuesday night, Remembrance was having its weekly open-mic night. People with all sorts of talents came in and performed, and the wide variety of acts drew in all sorts of new customers. Business was booming, and while that was great for Finn's paycheck and for the nicer things that Poe and Finn wanted in life, it made it difficult for them to have much alone time together.

Poe had set up an agreement with Maz that tonight, on their second year anniversary, that Poe would sing a song to Finn onstage before proposing to him, and after the song was over, Finn would take the rest of the night off to celebrate with him. He had everything planned to a tee, from the way that he had decorated the apartment for their special night down to the exact way he would smile at Finn as he song his song. It made him both nervous and excited, but he knew deep down that this was the day he had been waiting his entire life for.

He got out of the car and went up to the front door. What he saw when he got there, though, made his mind go completely blank. Rather than all the tables and chairs that were normally set up for open-mic night, there was only one table set up in the middle of the room. It had a silky white table cloth thrown over the top of it, and there was a thin glass vase with a single red rose sitting in the middle of the cloth.

Finn was sitting at the far side of the table wearing a pair of dress pants and his nicest button-down shirt, the wine-colored one that made his pecs and his biceps look even more shapely than they already were. His hands were on the table and were shaking slightly, and he had a nervous grin on his face.

Poe stared at him in confusion before walking over to the table. He looked around the room, shocked to see that there were rose petals scattered around the floor. He shook his head and looked side to side as he went the rest of the way to the table. He sat down across from Finn and stared at him in wonder. "Baby . . . Finn, what's all this about?"

Finn's nervous grin dropped for a minute before he smiled again. It didn't reach his eyes, though, and the tremor in his hands looked like it was getting worse. Poe was starting to get worried, especially when Finn didn't say anything. Poe tried again. "Baby? What's going on?"

Finn tapped his fingers against the table for a few seconds before he reached forward and grabbed Poe's hand. He interlaced their fingers and rocked their hands against the table. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath before saying, "Poe . . . It's been two years since we officially became a couple, but I've loved you since the moment that I set my eyes on you in that rainstorm." He swallowed before standing up.

At first, Poe was confused about what Finn was doing, but when he dropped down to one knee, Poe swore that his heart exploded. He couldn't feel it beating any longer, and every muscle in his body had gone completely slack.

Finn pulled a black velvet box out of his pocket and flipped it open to reveal a thick silver band, cut and engraved to resemble a series of Celtic knots, a style that Finn knew that Poe had always loved. It was absolutely beautiful, and Poe immediately fell almost as in love with it as he had with Finn.

"Poe Michael Dameron, I love you more than anything and anyone in the whole world. Would you do me the honor of m--"

"Yes," Poe interrupted, sliding out of his chair and onto his knees in front of Finn. He reached forward and pulled Finn into a deep kiss before reaching into his own pocket and pulling out an identical black box, only when he flipped it open, it revealed a white-gold band with gold leaves spiraling around the edges.

Poe chucked when he saw the look of shock on Finn's face. "Looks like you weren't the only one with the bright idea to propose tonight, pretty boy," he teased, taking the ring out of his box and sliding it on Finn's finger.

"Yeah, well, I've been planning this for months." Finn took out his ring and put it on Poe's ring finger before lacing their fingers and tilting their hands so that the rings glinted in the candlelight. He leaned his forehead against Poe's and let out a deep sigh. "I love you so much."

"I love you too." He gave Finn a light kiss before squeezing his hand.

Finn and he may have had a rough start, but now, two years later, Poe knew that he wouldn't have it any other way. The good and the bad that Poe had gone through, it just made everything worth finally getting to this day.

Poe was in love, and he wouldn't trade it for anything.

This was where he was meant to be.

 


End file.
